Endless Number of Possibilities
by jcarreau
Summary: The choices that people make is what changes their lives. What if certain people from a certain universe could peer into the world that different choices would have made? Expect a little bit of everything from this Nasuverse fanfic.
1. Prologue

Inside a dark room, two minds were brewing. The room was a large elaborate apartment somewhere within London. The two minds belonged to young women trying to understand a mystery that had affected them deeply in the past. One of the women stated, "Now then, give me a recap of our research."

The other woman responded, "Sure thing!" She cleared her throat and sounded like she was reading from a piece of paper, "Subjects Tohno Shiki and Emiya Shirou. Similarities between the two include that they are both of Japanese descent, both possess incredible powers, but above all else, both can apparently drive women to fall absolutely in love with them with no effort. This ability does not discriminate between what kind of women they are, be they human, vampire, demon, familiar, Servant, or even my own sister!"

"And my own sister too!" The other woman interjected.

"And also," The second woman painfully added, "ourselves." She then cheerfully said, "Although you have it worse than me!"

"Guh! Don't remind me!" The first woman shouted.

"But you said to give you a recap, so I am! You see, Shirou fell in love with Saber, they 'exchanged mana', but you were in love with him and Saber-"

"-Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!"

"at the same time, so in a sense-"

"-_Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!_"

"he stole her from you-"

"_**Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!**_"

"And she stole him from you at the same time!"

"_**AND HE BROKE THE HEART OF MY SISTER AND THAT LOLI GERMAN GIRL AND TOO MANY OTHER PEOPLE TO NAME OFF!**_" The first woman screeched.

"Don't forget all the boys from beyond the fourth wall who are 'gay' for him!" She added with a wink.

"I know. It's pathetic, Kohaku." She breathed a sigh. "Alright now, recap's done. So then, what intrigues us most is how these two subjects are able to drive so many people to become attached to them. I theorize that they possess some rare magical aura that allows them to charm so many people without even trying. However, even despite my knowledge and training in magecraft, I can't detect if they really are using some kind of magic. I don't remember sensing within Shirou some ability to make me and a lot of other girls-"

"-And fanboys!"

"Go crazy for him, but you come along and tell me that you can either prove or disprove this theory. This is where you take over, 'Magical Amber.'" The first woman concluded.

"Right!" Chimed the amber girl. "You see, using a combination of my Tatari-influenced mastery of science, as well as your expertise of magic, I have modified the television set in this room," there was a typical television set next to her, albeit one hooked up with suspicious-looking cables and doodads, "To display if the powers of our muses-slash-love interests are indeed based in magic."

The other woman asked, "And where did you say you got this idea from again?"

Kohaku cheerfully replied, "Oh! I got it from watching an American anime; there was an episode about a 'what-if machine.' To think that we have one right here and now!" She then leered at the woman and said in a playful yet suggestive voice, "And so Rin-chan, would you do the honors?"

Rin blushed, looked away, and said, "Don't call me Rin-chan. I'm too old for that."

Kohaku giggled, "Whatever are you talking aboutǃ? You're not even that old!"

Rin said, "Fine, whatever." She went up to the modified tv, "Tell me, what if there was no magic in the world? No sorceries, no heroic Servants, no anything that most people would find to be fictitious? What would life be like in Fuyuki City?" Upon saying this, the tv flickered to life.


	2. Love is Not A Toy: Fate Edition

The girl was lying on her bed, holding a pillow as if it were a cherished possession. She had a smile of contentment on her face, and her aquamarine eyes were relaxed, as if she wasn't focusing on any one thing. She was wearing a pink blouse over a white shirt, and her beige pants covered her legs, only exposing her bare feet. She had a red ribbon in her pitch black hair, hair that went just slightly past her shoulders. Her bed was an expensive one, and her bedroom was beautifully furnished. At first glance, one might say she was a fairytale girl living in a fairytale castle having a fairytale dream.

At that moment, the door leading out of her bedroom opened. Another girl came in. She too had pitch black hair and aquamarine eyes, although her hair was wavy at the bottom, and slightly longer than the other girl's. She was slightly taller than the girl on the bed, and she wore a red shirt with a white cross on the chest, a black miniskirt, and black socks that went up to her thighs. She said to the other girl, "Slacking off again, Sakura?"

The girl on the bed ignored this and said, "Oh, Nee-san! There's something I need to talk to you about." Her smile was still there.

"Really? What is it?" The girl in red asked inquisitively.

Sakura began to faintly blush, "Well, you see, there's this guy, and he's in the archery club, and . . . um . . ." her blush intensified.

The other girl smiled a wicked smile, knowing what was going on, "Oh~, is there a guy you like?"

The girl named Sakura smiled more widely, and rolled on her side to face her sister, still clutching her pillow, "Oh, I don't just like him; I wanna snuggle with him, and listen to the sound of his voice, and nurture him, and look into his eyes, and . . ." she giggled out of a mixture of joy and embarrassment.

The sister giggled herself and said, "Wow! I can't remember the last time you crushed this hard on a guy! Say, are you gonna tell me who it is?"

Sakura stood up on her feet, no longer clutching her pillow, "That's exactly why I wanted to talk to you, Rin; because you know who he is."

She then whispered something into Rin's ear. As she heard this, her eyes widened.

"WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATǃ? But, but, he's a complete dumbass!"

Sakura suddenly narrowed her eyes and frowned, "I don't care if he's stupid!" She jumped backed on her bed and held her pillow, "I love him!"

Rin rolled her eyes, "Well, sure, he's good-looking, but he's not _that_ attractive. What could you possibly see in him?"

Sakura started smiling again, and looked up at the ceiling, "Dedication, loyalty, selflessness, and like you said, his physique's rather nice, but what clinches it is he's not like the other boys." All of a sudden, her face looked more sinister, "He's not a selfish prick, he's not a perv, he doesn't treat girls like objects, he doesn't take advantage of the people around him, he's not obsessed with posturing like nearly every other bastard who's shown interest in me," all of a sudden, her smile came back, "and his meals are just delicious. He truly is the perfect man."

Rin's jaw was dropped. "Wow. Well, even though he is a great guy, he's still an idiot. You'll have to be very upfront if you want his attention."

"Oh don't worry, Nee-san," Sakura said with a leer, "I will."

* * *

"What was that you wanted?" He asked.

"I said," Sakura said in a rather suggestive tone of voice, "I want you."

"Uh, you want me . . . what? You want me to do something?" He looked incredibly nervous while asking this, possibly because Sakura was leaning very close into his face, leaving her face, and her cleavage, in full view.

"Yes, Shirou. I want you . . . to satisfy me," She reached out to him for a hug, "_With your body_."

At this moment, Shirou was unable to respond. Too many thoughts were running across his mind. His thought process at that moment went something like this:

"ohgodSakuraisholdingmeshe'sreallyprettyandherhands

aresosoftbutisn'tsheRin'ssisterShe's

totallyinlovewithmebutshouldn'tIwaittilImatleastouttaschool?

OHGAWDSAKURAISHAWT!"

"That doesn't make me a slut, does it?" She asked.

Shirou, unable to look directly at Sakura, stammered, "Um, no! You never acted like a slut before, heh heh! Why would I think you are nowǃ?"

"Mmm, that's sweet of you," Sakura said while feeling up Shirou, "But, are _you_ ready? I'll only do it if you want to."

Shirou, remembering that sex makes babies, managed to enunciate, "Uh, I can't! I have dreams! I wanted to fulfill them before I settled down!"

Sakura, looking a little disappointed, backed away. "Hmm, I guess it was too much to expect lovemaking." She then made a gentle smile, "But that's okay. I'm happy that I've told you how I feel. And if you feel the same way for me, just know, I'll be ready." She then got close to Shirou again, "Just do one favor; you can tell the people from our families about this, but you cannot tell anyone else. Are we clear?"

"Uh, sure."

* * *

It was lunchbreak at Homurabara High. Rin was waiting at the rooftop alone. A figure emerged from the stairs and approached Rin. It was a girl with short auburn hair and light brown eyes. She spoke, "So what's up? Why'd you invite me up here?"

Rin answered, "Ayako, my sister is going to beat us."

Ayako said, "Beat us? At what?"

Rin looked furious, "She's gonna get a boyfriend before either of us, that's what!"

Ayako was stunned, "Whoa, reallyǃ? Howǃ?"

Rin looked aside, her pigtails flying through the air, "She's a lot more clever than she lets on! Oh, she acts all coy and quiet, but that's just a feint to throw people off! You know how she met Shirou at the archery club, right? And how much they enjoyed archery, right? How sometimes they'd visit each other off campus to practice stringing bows and other archery things? And how they became study buddies? Well it was all just to get close to him! Sakura revealed to me that she's hopelessly in love with him, AND just yesterday, she went over to his house to seduce him!"

"No!" Ayako shouted. "But wait; what if he rejects him?"

Rin, still upset, responded, "Him, reject my sisterǃ? Have you seen the kind of tits that she hasǃ? He can't say no to that! They're both archery freaks, they already have that much in common." She then let out a sigh and sounded more calm, "It's the truth, Ayako; an underclassman beat us to a boyfriend before we did. I can see it now; Shirou is obsessing over my sister right as we speak, fantasizing about her."

* * *

_Oh gawd, what do I say to Kohai?,_ Shirou thought. It was still lunchbreak and Shirou was in his homeroom, thinking about his future. He saw how he would make something of himself through his greatest talent; cooking. He saw that, with a combination of his cooking ability, his kindness, and a little knowledge of entrepreneurship, he saw himself opening a restaurant, mentoring younger chefs, cooking up only the finest of Japanese and Western foods. But now, his vision was a little different. He would share this dream . . . _with Sakura._ Yes, with Sakura Tohsaka by his side, nothing could stop him on his goal of opening a restaurant. Who needs talking rats when you've got a rich, cute, and beautiful aquamarine-eyed girl as your bride?

"Shirou-kun, you got a minute?" Shirou's concentration was broken by the voice of Issei.

"Yeah. What's on your mind?"

Issei made small talk with Shirou, discussing his life at the shrine, and Shirou talking about club practices, but of course, he made no mention of his "progress" with the younger Tohsaka sister. The only part of the conversation that stuck out was when Issei asked, "Say, have you heard of this new anime on the air? I can't remember what it was called, but it was about King Arthur."

Shirou mused, "Oh, an anime about King Arthur? Interesting."

"But here's the catch; in this show, King Arthur is a woman."

Shirou raised an eyebrow, "Huh? How . . . how do you be a king and a woman at the same time?"

Issei continued, "That's what I want to know! According to this show, 'Arthur' was actually a girl named Arturia, and she had to disguise her true gender to everyone in England except to a select few."

Shirou thought, "That's crazy! A girl ruling in medieval Europeǃ? That's pure fantasy!"

Issei sighed, "Of course. It is a fantasy anime, after all. If I didn't know any better, I'd say they made Arthur a girl just to appeal to deviant anime fanatics."

Shirou replied, "I wouldn't be surprised if that were the case."

Issei adjusted his glasses, "Well, I should be going." He turned around, then said, "By the way, speaking of girls, your girlfriend is waiting outside in the hall."

_Ba-bump._ Girlfriend? Already? And Issei knowsǃ? _Ba-bump._ Well, Shirou was not one to be un-chivalrous. With all of his might, he stood up, walked out to the hallway, and . . . saw a girl with pigtails standing with her arms crossed. _Ba-bump._ "I know, Shirou." She said, with a sly grin.

"Uh, Rin! Uh, fancy seeing you here, eh heh!"

Rin continued, "Oh what's the matter? At a loss for words? Because I know about you and my sister? Well, that is, you do like her, right?"

Shirou stammered, "Of course, yeah! I see no reason why not!"

Rin, still smiling, continued, "Alright then, let me make something clear; if you harm my sister in any way, be it by hitting her, calling her names, slipping her a roofie-"

_What's a roofie?_ Shirou thought.

"-Stealing her money, or basically making her feel miserable, I and my family will see to it that you pay. Do I make myself clear?"

Shirou answered, "Yes, of course. It's not in my nature to hurt someone I consider a friend."

Rin stopped smiling, "I'm gonna hold you up to those words, Shirou-kun. Since you may very well become my future brother-in-law, know that I have my eye on you."

Wait, brother-in-law? Isn't she jumping the gun a little early? But then a thought ran across Shirou's mind, "Hey wait, did you threaten me just now?"

"Huh?"

"Because last I checked, threatening students could get someone suspended, or even expelled, depending on the circumstances."

Rin puffed up her cheeks, "No! It wasn't . . . that's not what I meant! Just, if you're really gonna date my sister, don't do anything to make me hate you! That's all I wanted to say!" She turned around and walked away.

Time passed, and things went to normal, for a while. The two children that were Shirou and Sakura had, as they say in the common vernacular, "Gone steady" now.

* * *

"Hey wait," Rin on the other side interrupted, "Is this seriously how it's going to end? With Sakura humping Shirou instead of Saberǃ?"

"Looks that way." Kohaku answered.

"Kohaku, is it possible we could fast-forward, so to speak, to see the future of this little scenario?"

"Of course!" Kohaku exclaimed.

"Then make it show my reaction, say, two years after that scene we just saw."

* * *

"IT'S NOT FAIR!" Rin shouted. "HOW COME I CAN'T FIND A MAN LIKE THAT IN MY LIFEǃ?"

Ayako did her best to console her friend, "Well, in all fairness, that Shinji boy literally threw himself at you. You could've hooked up with him."

"No way!" Rin snapped, "I'm not going out with a creep like him!"

Ayako reassured, "Well, uh, you're still pretty young. Love isn't something you _have_ to fulfill at an early age. Maybe you'll find the one when you're in your twenties, or maybe even later!"

Rin sounded disappointed, "Oh, I don't know if I can wait that long."

Ayako then said, "Well look at it this way; you don't _need_ a partner to live. I'm in the same situation that you are, and I'm surviving just fine. If you really have a void in your heart, just find something else to fill it."

Rin smiled, "Thank you, Ayako. You're a good friend."


	3. Interlude: kohaku and the Rin

The tv displayed a black screen of nothingness. Kohaku said, as if she were narrating, "And then Rin said, 'maybe . . . maybe what I was looking for was right here, all along!' Ayako furiously blushed, and moaned, 'Oh, Rin!'"

Rin in the real world reprimanded, "Shut up! I've never been interested in her like that!" She then paused, and reflected on the video feed, "But still, he went for her, but not me?"

The red-haired girl giggled incessantly, "Don't be so selfish, Rin-chan! Your sister was happier than ever in that reality! No abusive family, no mage war, and she got together with the love, or should I say, the male love of your life." She then held her hands together, and made a dreamy look on her face, "Oh, to see your sister and Shirou together like that, it warms my heart, it truly does! Oh, if only real life were so simple, and so easy!"

"That's enough, Kohaku."

"I love a cute teenaged romance story! Maybe it's just in my nature as a girl, but to see that, it was . . . it was . . ."

"I said that's enough!"

"SOOOOOO KEEEE-YEE-UUUTE!"

Rin sighed, "Well, if you're done annoying me, let's get back to the experiment." She tried to sound more professional, "I didn't seem to fall for him in that world. Maybe it would've worked out. And maybe . . . maybe I'll meet someone here in London."

Kohaku winked, "Or you could always summon another Saber, and hope it's a girl again!"

Rin chided, "But what about _you__ǃ__?_ You never got your true love to fall for you! In fact, if I recall, he's out somewhere in the Bavarian countryside copulating a vampire princess!"

Kohaku exclaimed, "I know!" She then had a strange smile on her face, "Just imagine all the kinky activities they must perform," She then balled up her hands into fists and closed her eyes, "Ohhh, it's just too mind-blowing to think about!"

Rin rolled her eyes, "Whatever. Can you at least test to see if maybe, just maybe, you got to have all kinds of wild sex with the Shirou-like figure in your life?"

Kohaku sighed, "Okay, yeah. I better get on with that; satisfy my curiosity." She then went up to the machine. "What would life in Misaki City be like if there were no vampires, no demons, no magical eyes, no magic period, no aliens, no time travelers, no espers-"

Rin struck her forehead with her palm.

"-no gods of death, no robots, and no weirdness?" When Kohaku finished, the tv began to display an image.


	4. Love is Not A Toy: Tsukihime Edition

School was underway during the month of February. Shiki was in his winter uniform, just like everyone else. He stepped into the classroom building to proceed to the morning when a voice from behind greeted, "Sup, faggot!"

Shiki recognized the voice; only Arihiko would address him as such. And sure enough, there he was, with his pierced ears, dyed red hair, and uniform worn incorrectly. "What are you doing here so early?" Shiki asked.

"Makin' catcalls, what else?" They both laughed. Shiki and Arihiko went to their class, taking their seats. Arihiko sat behind Shiki. He murmured, "Hey, just our luck! Here come the twins!"

As he said that, two girls with light red hair stepped in. They sat themselves across the aisle from Shiki and Arihiko. One of the girls greeted, "Hi guys!"

Arihiko mused, "I don't know why, but I feel like we're getting together for a double date."

One of the twin girls covered her mouth, giggling softly. "Don't be so coy, Hisui!" Said the other girl. "You want to look submissive to a man?"

Hisui said in a faux haughty manner, "I will behave however I want to." She then giggled some more.

The four of them made small talk as the day went on, whenever classes weren't taking place. Once the school day was over, Shiki bid his classmates farewell and started on his way home. When he left, he noticed a brown-haired girl standing all alone at the lockers. He recognized her somewhere, but where?

* * *

The day was over at the all-girls' academy. A teenage girl emerged from the front doors. Her long black hair, held together by a white headband, swayed in the breeze as she walked. She was in the schools' winter uniform, but despite being so young, she moved with an elegance rarely seen in today's world. A black limousine waited outside for her. She stepped into the passenger section. She told the driver, "Take me straight home please." The driver nodded and drove off. The young lady looked out the window, observing the world around her. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary. She looked composed as she looked on, until she lost her composure. She saw a young man, probably a high schooler, walk down the sidewalk. He looked about the same age as her, but this young man was . . . _utterly fascinating._ The lady's jaw dropped from seeing this Adonis figure stroll so casually after a day of school. She focused her aquamarine eyes on him for as long as she could. However, it was only for a few seconds that she could look at this angel among schoolboys. The limousine pulled up in front of a gated European mansion. She let herself out and proceeded to the entrance, but before she went in, she looked back at where she saw the boy and remarked aloud, "I must see him again."

* * *

It was another routine day in Misaki City. Shiki went to school, hung out with Arihiko and the twins, and then started to walk home once the lessons were over. As he walked, a limousine pulled up right next to him. "Hmm?" He pondered aloud.

A girl swiftly stepped out, "I apologize for my sudden appearance, but there is something I need to inform you."

"Uhh,"

"My name is Akiha Tohno, daughter of Makihisa Tohno. You are cordially invited to have dinner with me tomorrow evening. All I need from you is your home address, so that my driver may pick you up and drop you off."

Shiki was still confused, "Uh, why are you doing this?"

Akiha quickly answered, "I will inform you later. For now, all I need to know is are you interested?"

Shiki asked, "Is there a reason why I should do this? Are you giving me a job offer or something?"

Akiha said, "Not quite, although if you agree to show up, not only will I treat you to a fine meal, I will even donate money to you and your family for your trouble. How does a check worth five-hundred-thousand yen sound?"

Five-hundred-thousand yenǃ? Cha Ching! Shiki said, "Then we have a date. By the way, I'm Shiki Nanaya." He took out a slip of paper and wrote something, "and you can find me here." He handed the note to her.

Akiha read the address, "Nanaya . . . I like the sound of that. Very well, you don't need to dress formally, but don't look like a slob." She retreated into the limo and was driven off.

Shiki was astonished. "I'm going on a blind date. And I'm getting rewarded. Heh, heh heh, heh heh heh!" He believed he was starting to go insane.

* * *

It was Sunday, so there was no school that day. Shiki explained to his relatives that Arihiko had invited him over for something, so he got dressed and waited outside. He didn't forget to mention that Arihiko was hiring a limousine, as crazy as that sounds. Then again, how could he explain the whole truth? Well regardless, he went outside, and sure enough, a limousine pulled up. He got inside and took a seat, admiring just how luxurious this all was. The limousine pulled up to the entrance of the mansion. European style, of course. Just how much money does this girl have? He stepped out of the limo and saw someone waiting near the gate; it was Hisui . . . dressed like a French maid?

"Hello, Shiki-san." Hisui bowed, "Akiha-sama is waiting for you."

Shiki was confused, "Hisui-san? What are you doing here?"

Hisui answered, "Kohaku and I work here part-time. Akiha-sama is very kind to us. Now then, will you come in?"

Shiki nodded. Some things were already looking fishy; why does this girl want a dinner date with him so badly? Why would she go out of her way to meet him and offer him a good chunk of cash for him to show up? And who employs twin girls as maids? Shiki didn't pay too much heed, however, for he was being paid handsomely for this.

Hisui opened the gate and led Shiki to the front door. She opened the door for him, then bowed to him and said, "Akiha-sama is waiting just ahead."

"Thanks." Shiki assured her.

He came into the mansion. It was unlike how he imagined; there was a foyer that overlooked the entrance room, and on top of the foyer overlooking everything was Akiha. "Greetings, Shiki-san. So good of you to come here." She walked down the stairs to where Shiki was. She was wearing a red button-up dress with white sleeves, a white collar, and red cufflinks. She still had a white headband in her hair. When she got down to the ground floor, she asked, "How do I look?"

Shiki was flabbergasted, "If I may be perfectly honest, you look absolutely stunning."

Akiha lightly blushed, "R-really?" She asked while holding her hands over her chest, "You're not just saying that to be nice, are you?"

"Of course not! It's been a long time since I've seen a girl as pretty as you are."

Akiha put her hands down and smiled, "I'm very pleased to hear that. Come, I'll show you to the dining room."

She led him to a room with a somewhat large dining table outfitted with a white cloth, plates, and silverware ready to be used. The two sat down. Akiha asked, "I hope you like Western food, for it is my cook's specialty."

Shiki said, "Oh, of course!"

Within a minute or so, the cook came out. It was . . . Kohaku, wearing a kimono robe, and holding a plate with her hands. "Dinner is served!" She placed the plate at the center of the table. "You may help yourselves."

Akiha thanked Kohaku. Then Kohaku whispered into Shiki's ear, "We've been preparing for your arrival for quite some time now. Don't let us down."

Shiki nodded. The two enjoyed their meal. After a while, Shiki said, "I am stuffed! That was better than I thought it would be!"

Akiha noted, "Yes. That is why I hired Kohaku." Akiha then changed her tone, "Now then, there is something I must ask of you; what do you think of me?"

Shiki parroted, "What do I think of you? I don't know, I just met you."

Akiha mused, "Well surely you must have _some_ impression of me; we're not complete strangers, and my maids are classmates of yours."

Shiki answered, "Um, I think you're very nice. I don't know what else to say."

Akiha smiled, "Really? Well then, you want to know what I think of you?"

Shiki gulped.

Akiha got up and came very close to Shiki, as in her face was inches away from his. "I think you're an incredible human being. You are everything I could ever want in a partner. If I could, I would spend the rest of my life with you. Is that something you would agree to?"

At this point, Shiki noticed that Akiha was sitting on his lap, and embracing his neck with one hand, and stroking his hair with the other. Shiki was flustered, "Oh, uh, it's love? Sorry, ah, I'm not interested in you in that way."

Akiha, undeterred, asked, "Whatever for?"

"First of all, I don't really know you, second of all, you're making me really uncomfortable please get off me."

"As you wish." She said. She stood up.

"And also," Shiki concluded, "There is someone else."

Akiha raised an eyebrow, "Someone else?"

"Yes." Shiki answered. "There is already someone in my life. I thank you for this meal, as well as the paycheck. I know you must feel bad, but keep your chin up; you're rich, beautiful, and well-mannered, and I'm sure you'll find a good man eventually, but before I go, promise me that you won't come between me and my girlfriend."

Akiha lowered her head, "If that is truly the case, then it would be wrong of me to interfere. Very well then, I won't come between you two, I promise." She then reached for something, "Here is the check. My driver is waiting outside."

Shiki took the check, "Thanks again." He started to walk out, then suddenly turned around, "Oh, also, some guys don't like to be hands-on on the first date, just a little heads-up." And with that, he left.

Kohaku emerged, looking distraught, "Oh, I'm so sorry!" She hugged Akiha, "I didn't think it would turn out like this!"

Akiha grinned, "Don't feel bad, Kohaku-san. This wasn't a total defeat."

"Huh?"

"I have committed his visage, his body language, his voice, and his mannerisms to memory. Suffice to say, my nights alone in the bedroom are going to feel very satisfying."

Kohaku released Akiha and made a devilish smile, "Oooohhhhhh! Akiha-samaaaa~!"

Akiha blushed, "S-Shut up! It's normal for someone my age to do that, even if that someone is a girl!"

Kohaku continued grinning, "I know, but, Akiha-sama, you're so . . . so, upfront about it!"

Akiha frowned, "So I'm honest; what's so bad about thatǃ?"

* * *

The next day, Shiki's mind was in a daze. He technically didn't have a girlfriend, but he wasn't lying when he said there was someone else. He now knew he had to speak to that someone else, even if it meant disaster. He went to his classroom, only to hear the usual, "Sup, retard!"

"Oh hey, Arihiko." The two sat in their seats, doing their usual schtick, when the twins walked in. Shiki shrunk away like something bad was going to happen.

"Hi Shiki-san!" Kohaku exclaimed, "Just so you know, my employer doesn't feel bad about you rejecting her."

Arihiko squeezed in, "What rejecting, you say?"

Kohaku continued, "Because now, she can live out her fantasies in her head!"

Shiki covered his ears, "Ugh! I did not need to hear that!"

Hisui added, "Don't feel bad, Shiki-san. You made for a great guest for Akiha-sama, and you were very well paid."

Arihiko questioned, "Wait, paid for guest services? In what sounds like a one-night stand? Shiki, you didn't tell me you were a prostitute!"

Shiki shouted, "It wasn't like that!"

Hisui said, "But the most surprising thing is, Shiki-san has a girlfriend!"

Arihiko was dumbfounded, "Huh? Wha? _Huh__ǃ__?_"

Shiki calmed down, "Yeah, well, I do. And I'll introduce you all to her when I feel ready. For now, could you just puh-LEEZE give me some personal spaceǃ?"

And so the day progressed without incident. The school lessons were over, and Shiki approached the lockers. Just as he expected, the lonely brown-haired girl was there. He knew he recognized her, and he had to make his claim a reality. He approached her and asked, "Say, aren't you Satsuki Yumizuka?"

She answered, "Um, yes, weren't you in my seventh grade class?"

Shiki replied, "Yeah, Shiki Nanaya, remember? We did some science experiments together?"

Satsuki giggled, "Ah ha! Yes, Now I remember! So you go to this school, too?"

Shiki said, "Yeah, fancy that." He changed his tone, "Listen, I'm not doing anything Saturday after school. You know that cafe that's just a few blocks down from here?"

"Yeah."

"Maybe we could meet up there, catch up on old times. 3:00 PM sound good?"

Satsuki murmured, "Yeah. I can't believe you'd ask me out on a date out of the blue like that."

Shiki blushed, "Okay, yeah, it is a date, but it doesn't have to be romantic! It can be platonic!"

Satsuki laughed some more, "That's fine! Of course I'll come! Maybe you could help me with an assignment while we're at it."

"Sure!" Shiki concluded, "Well, I gotta be going. See ya later!"

"Bye!"


	5. Interlude: Along came a True Ancestor

Kohaku stared at her creation, "No! It can't end like this! You're saying even with the supernatural people out of the picture, he _still_ wouldn't choose meǃ?" Her vision became watery, "It's not fair!"

Rin made a sly smile, "Now you know what it's like to be me."

At that precise moment, a door opened. A woman walked in. "Hiiiii~!" She exclaimed while waving at Rin and Kohaku.

Kohaku became surprised, "A-Arcueidǃ? What are you doing hereǃ?"

Rin added, "Yeah! Kohaku told me that you and Shiki were killing Dead Apostles and performing wild sex in the European mainland!"

The blonde-haired vampire responded, "Oh, we already did those things." She then noticed the doohickey, "Hey, what's this?"

Rin stated, "It's a device Kohaku built for our experiments."

Arcueid curiously mused, "Experiments? What kind of experiments?"

Rin answered, "This machine allows us to see how the world would be if certain elements were added or eliminated. We just tested it out on something. Kohaku and I wondered the following; most people in the world are not aware of magic, vampires, the Holy Grail War, and other such elements. Most people would find this to be supernatural elements. Kohaku and I both have crushes that have attracted people besides ourselves. We wondered if they possessed a magical aura, so we told this machine to show us our lives if there were no magic at all. The machine showed us these alternate realities free of th supernatural. It should be noted that your kind didn't appear in either of the simulations, since most people in the world don't believe in the existence of your kindred. It was . . . an interesting experiment, and we intend to use it more frequently."

Arcueid paused to make sense of what she heard. She then said, "Wait, you made episodes with no magic whatsoever? Well that's no fun!" Arcueid exclaimed. "If this thing can create whatever we want for our own amusement, then we should make an adventure!"

Rin asked "An adventure? Do you have any suggestions?"

Arcueid thought for a moment, then her face lit up, "Ah ha! I have the perfect idea!"

Kohaku questioned, "Really? What?"

Arcueid then said, "What if Zelretch had not lost any of his power from his aging?"

Rin was unamused, "Really? That's it?"

Arcueid smiled, "Oh, you don't know Zel like I do. If such a thing were true today, it would set off a chain reaction of adventure, just you wait!"

Rin sighed, "Alright. I've got free time. Let's see what the machine shows us."

And with that said, Kohaku's machine flickered to life.


	6. Instant Awesome: Just Add Zelretch Pt 1

Rin Tohsaka exhaled a sigh. This was it. This was the day she began her training with Kischur Zelretch Schweinorg, or "Zel" to friends. She knew that this was going to be dangerous, possibly fatal, but she had to prove herself. After steeling her mind, she proceeded to Zel's chambers. As she expected, the old man himself was waiting. "Daughter of Tokiomi, welcome!" He greeted.

Rin was curt, "Let us dispense with the formalities and get started on my training."

Zel noted, "Ahh, eager for training, are we? Good, good! Today will be a most special exercise! Of course, you won't be alone. We'll be training with a long-time companion of mine."

"Companion?"

Just as she said that, a woman approached her from behind, "Oh, so is this the new understudy of yours, Zel? She seems very . . . stiff." Rin turned around and saw the woman; a young busty blonde in a white sweater and . . . blood red eyes.

Zel answered, "Well of course. She's a Tohsaka; they love formalities." He then faced Rin, "This is Arcueid Brunestud. You may address her as Arc. She's a long-time friend of mine; you could almost say she's my granddaughter from another universe. And when I say she's a long-time companion of mine, I am not kidding. Arc, tell Rin why that is."

Arc folded her hands behind her, leaned forward, and said with a smile, "I'm a vampire!"

Rin became shocked by what she heard, "W-Whatǃ? Vampireǃ? You mean, vampires are realǃ?"

Arc told her, "Well of course, silly! Didn't you notice my eyes?"

Zel added, "I'm a vampire, too. I suppose your father never told you."

Rin looked at Zel, "Wait, you tooǃ?" And sure enough, she noticed his eyes were also red. "This can't be right!"

Zel corrected her, "Actually, it's very right. Of course, not all vampires are the same. Arc was born as a vampire, while I was a human turned into a vampire earlier in my life. Now I know what you're thinking; no, we're not gonna suck your blood. Neither of us have an appetite for blood, and we won't die in sunlight, either, but this is getting off-subject." He cleared his throat, "Rin, for today's lesson, you must go on a trip with us."

"Where to?"

Zel said, "Wherever The Second Sorcery takes us."

Rin had heard that Zel had mastered a Sorcery, or a true form of magic without boundaries. She recollected what she heard, "The Second Sorcery, as in the ability to operate parallel dimensions?"

"Correct!" Zel pointed out. "We will be traveling through different dimensions to see how you deal with them. That will be your test today. Now then, are you ready?"

After learning that Zel and some blonde bimbo he's known for a long time were vampires, Rin was ready for anything. "Yes. Let's do this."

"Very good!" He then pulled out a treasure chest and opened it. Within the chest was what looked like a wand, one that should've been too long to fit in the chest. The wand, curiously enough, looked like a prop from a children's tv show . . . or a magical girl manga. Zel waved the wand in front of him. A rip in space-time happened. "Now then, the portal will only stay active for a minute or so, so let's get going!"

"Me first!" Arc exclaimed, running into the portal. Zel followed her. Rin slowly walked through the portal.

The three of them were standing in what looked like a rustic red desert. All that could be seen for kilometers were sand and rocks. Rin looked around, "Where are we?" Noting the landscape, she questioned, "Are we on Mars?"

Zel said, "No. I've been here before. This is a planet controlled by . . . speak of the Devil."

In the horizon, a number of humanoid shapes could be made out. The shapes advanced onto their positions. Arc asked, "Which ones are those?"

Zel answered, "If this planet is still controlled by them, then I fear we may be drawing into a fight."

"A fightǃ?" Rin was startled.

"You said you were prepared; then show it."

The shapes could be made out. They looked like tall men wearing what looked like armored astronaut suits outfitted with spikes, horns, and occult symbology. They carried firearms and what looked like serrated swords. One of the advancing men proclaimed, "BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GODS! SKULLS FOR THE SKULL THRONE!"

Zel calmly noted, "Do not have qualms with killing space marines corrupted by Chaos, for they are always chaotic evil, and will not hesitate to kill you if you don't kill them first." He then reached into his chest and pulled out a short sword made from gems. "Then again, that's why I have this. Arc, draw their attention from us."

Arc replied, "Will do!" She charged the chaotic space marines. They started opening fire on her, laughing with maniacal glee. Some of the shots hit her, others narrowly avoiding her, but that didn't seem to slow her down. Her fingers had become elongated into claws, and she started gutting some of the marines.

Zel told Rin, "Well don't just stand there! Shoot at them!" He waved his sword, shooting out a wave of energy at the marines. Rin began concentrating energy into her arm; lime green lines shone through her uniform, and she pointed her index finger at the marines. She fired Gandr shots at them, hoping it would slow them down enough for Zel and Arc to finish them off.

One of the marines shouted, "WHAT TREACHERY IS THISǃ? THEY'RE TOO STRONG FOR US! FLEE! FLEE FOR YOUR LIVES!" The surviving marines ran full-tilt in the direction they came from.

Arc had just finished beating a marine to death with his own severed arm, "Oh, but I was just getting started!" Her clothes were rattled from the attack, and random cuts and bruises could be seen on her body. She approached Zel, "Zel, I need a change of clothes, as well as some first aid. Can I borrow the space in your chest?"

"Of course!" Zel answered. He opened the chest. Arc somehow managed to fit inside of it.

Rin was shocked, "Wait; how did she fit in thereǃ?"

Zel responded, "Trust me, it's much bigger on the inside." He glanced up, "Just as I suspected, more troublemakers."

Rin looked up as well, and saw some objects coming down. "Uh, are those bombs?"

"Not quite." Zel elaborated, "Those are dropships. Regular space marines are coming this way."

"Oh, well good! If those spiked freaks come back, they can back us up!"

"That won't happen." Zel said.

"Huh?"

"In this reality, ordinary space marines are hardly better than the chaotic ones. Magic users like us are considered heretics in their society, and they will execute us on sight."

Rin shouted, "Whatǃ? We can't let that happen!" She reached for some gemstones. "We gotta take them down!"

"Actually, let's not." Zel cut in. He reached into his chest for his wand.

Just as he did that, Arc jumped out, in a brand new set of clothes, which looked exactly like the ones she was wearing before, as well as bandages over her injuries, "All done!" She blurted out.

Zel made another portal, "Perfect timing! Jump through now!"

The three of them proceeded through the portal just as the dropships landed. Tall men in red spacesuits poured out. One of them shouted, "The heretics have eluded us! Make no mistake; they will not evade the Emperor's hand for long."

* * *

The trio now found themselves in an alleyway, away from prying eyes. Zel remarked, "Nasty universe, that last one. I'm surprised the races of that dimension haven't fought themselves to extinction yet." He looked around, "Wait here, I'm going to see what kind of universe this is."

He moved out of the alley, and saw cars driving about, people walking, and shops conducting business. He darted back into the alley, "We're clear. This universe does have multi-colored hair people here."

Rin made a flat, "What?"

Zel lectured, "We are in your native Japan, one that is, thankfully, like the one from our home dimension. However, in some dimensions, it would be extremely unusual for a girl of Japanese descent to have jade eyes like yourself, but that's not the case here; technicolors for all!"

Arc squealed, "Yay! This means I don't have to wear blue contacts again!"

The trio came out of the alley and found themselves in a city reminiscent of Fuyuki city. Rin felt a sense of nostalgia, "It's like I'm home again!"

Arc said, "This does kinda remind me of the city in Japan I went to, wouldn't you agree, Zel?"

Zel was looking off in a certain direction, with a dumbstruck look on his face. All he could say was, "_Mujer Omnipotente._"

"Hmm?" Rin vocalized.

In the direction Zel was looking, a number of teenage kids were walking by. One of them, a girl with yellow ribbons in her hair, sounded impatient, "We'll never find any phenomenon at this rate! Fine then! We'll just look at . . ." Zel couldn't keep track of the conversation.

Another kid, a boy, remarked, "Give us a break! My legs are sore!"

A third kid, a girl with long orange hair, whimpered, "Um, if it's not too much to ask, I think Kyon is right. M-Maybe we should take a break, just a short one, that's all."

The first girl held her breath, then pouted, "Okay, fine! We'll catch a breath somewhere, but I expect you all to keep up with me when we're finished, or else they'll be a penalty!"

A fourth kid, a boy with a non-descript smile, stated, "That sounds like a terrific idea, Brigade leader!"

The kids started coming down the way of the trio. Zel became nervous, "Wah! They're coming this way! Hide!"

He dashed for an outdoor cafe. There was an empty table with four chairs. Zel, Arc, and Rin sat down. Rin looked at Zel, "You wanna tell me just what's going on?"

Zel started to say, "Well you see, we're in a dimension that-"

"-Have you come to observe Suzumiya-san?"

Zel flipped out; there was a girl with short lavender hair sitting across from him, "Hagawha, huhǃ?"

The girl said with a completely emotionless face and voice, "Have you come to observe Suzumiya-san?"

Zel tried to regain his composure, "Um, yes! Yes I have! I have a new student with me, Rin, say hi, Rin."

Rin folded her arms, "Not until you tell me what's going on!"

Zel continued, "Well, in this dimension, there is a girl named Haruhi Suzumiya. She has the ability to alter reality by merely thinking it. However, she is not aware of this ability, and it is feared that this dimension will be doomed if she were made aware. A group of people are monitoring her, and this is one of them; Yuki Nagato. Yuki, I can assure you that we will not interfere with your tasks. We won't be staying here for too long."

"I know." She recited, "In approximately twenty-seven minutes, forty-eight seconds, and six-hundred-twenty-nine milliseconds, you will leave this dimension for another one. I only ask that you respect the wishes of the Data Integration Thought Entity while you stay here." She stood up, "I must return to Suzumiya-san." She returned to the other kids.

Rin's brain had become broken from the confusion. When Yuki returned, the girl who was presumably Haruhi snapped, "Geeze, Nagato! Where did you goǃ?"

Yuki monotoned, "I saw a plush bunny in a store window. It was very pretty."

You're a terrible liar, you know that, Nagato?

Arc glanced at the kids, "So, which one was she? The one that just talked to us?"

Zel said, "Yuki Nagato? She's the alien of the group. Not just an alien, but a data entity disguised as an Earth human. Despite her demeanor, she does experience emotion, she just doesn't express them. I think it's a programming limitation or something."

Rin's brain was still broken.

Zel consoled, "I know it's a lot to take in, but life is complex, especially in some other dimensions. But it's all a part of the training. Observing worlds and learning is what makes a mage power . . . ful?" Zel just noticed something; everyone had disappeared, including Arc and Rin. Not only that, the world around him seemed to take on a gray tint everywhere. Sounds were non-existent. "A Closed Space? But howǃ?" He stood up, only to hear an evil laugh, a laugh of a girl.

"What a fascinating specimen you are!" She emerged, wearing a school uniform and sporting long blue hair, as well as, in Zel's mind anyway, an unusually pleasant voice. "I wonder how Suzumiya-san would react if she were to discover you. Think about it, a slider, a vampire, a magician, and a knight, all rolled into one. I think it would end her melancholy, wouldn't you agree?"

Zel frowned, "I now recognize you; Ryoko Asakura, data entity and former assistant to Nagato. You went rogue and had to be killed . . . deleted . . . whatever. You shouldn't be here."

Ryoko giggled again, "You're right, I shouldn't. However, since your latest entrance into this universe, it would seem you unintentionally altered the data of his region, and this, coupled with Suzumiya-san's recent bout with frustration, has caused not only a Closed Space to appear, but my data to be re-assembled as well." She made a serrated knife materialize in her right hand, "Imagine Suzumiya-san's joy in not only meeting me again after my disappearance, but meeting you at the same time. I daresay it would produce fascinating research."

Zel gritted his teeth, "This isn't what the Integrated Data Entity or whatever you call that would want. You know it would be too dangerous to take such a risk." He then produced both the Jewelled Sword and the Kaleidostick, "And a knife, seriously? Do you really think you could harm me with that? I've survived much worse."

Ryoko said with a smile, "Well if you don't come compliantly, what choice do I have?"

Zel countered, "Here's a choice, turn back while you still have the chance. You know the Organization is going to correct this anomaly sooner or later, and you'll just fade back into memory. Not only that, I'm one of the 27 Dead Apostle Ancestors; we are beings of extraordinary power. I know True Magic, and have faced many opponents over my long life. No matter how strong, healthy, or hax you may be, I swear to you, you will lose a head-to-head confrontation with me."

Ryoko continued smiling, "Such bold words. I've always wanted to see how a vampire fights." She lunged forward so quickly, it looked like she teleported to Zel's position in order to stab him.

Zel did not flinch. He raised his sword in time to block Ryoko's knife. He pushed forward with his sword to knock her back, then fired a wave of energy with a swing of his sword. The wave trashed the environment, and also made Ryoko disappear . . . only for her body to digitally re-assemble moments later. "Damn it!" They both rushed at each other, trying to strike each other with their weapons, but to no avail.

It then occurred to Zel that Ryoko never tried to leave the Closed Space. Realizing this, Zel put away his sword, "Alright, maybe I boasted a little too much. I think now would be a good time to-" and he bolted off away from Ryoko.

The rogue data entity only materialized in front of him, but of course, Zel quickly side-stepped her every time she tried that. He then got to the end of a street, and felt this was where the Space ended. He turned around and faced Ryoko. She charged at him again, and right as she was going to stab Zel, he jumped out of the way and waved his Kaleidostick. A "hole" in the edge of the Space opened, and Ryoko slipped out. When she did, her body instantly disappeared, almost as if she didn't exist to begin with. Zel said to himself, "That girl really ought to know her limits, in more ways than one." He then glanced around, "Now how do I get out of here, and find Arc and Rin?"

Just then, a voice told him, "Sorry about the mess!" Zel looked and saw the other teenage boy from earlier, the one who was always smiling. "It appears you caught Suzumiya-san at a bad time."

Zel smiled back, "Itsuki Koizumi! Good thing you can deal with these spaces!"

Itsuki replied, "Indeed. This one is still new and relatively small, so it shouldn't take too long." In the distance, a strange, large creature stood up. It was vaguely human in shape, but was transparent, and was also weaving a path of destruction. "Wait here, Zelretch-san." Itsuki said. "Once the Celestial has been dealt with, you will return to normal space as if nothing happened." He faced Zel, "Before I go, that new girl of yours, she's a good student; be sure to take extra good care of her."

"I will."

"I'm glad to hear it. Normally, I'd take this time to talk with you some more, for I really enjoy having conversations with you, but time is short, and I can't let the rest of the Brigade down. Be sure to say hi to Arcueid-san for me. Until we meet again." Itsuki's body transformed into a red light. In this form, he flew at the Celestial.

* * *

" . . . There's a rumor that there's another person who has the same power to will anything into existence like Haruhi, and that this person is also surrounded by a cadre of-" Zel interrupted himself. He looked around and saw people talking, moving about, no gray tint, and Rin resting her chin on the table, unable to keep up. "Uh, what was I doing?"

Arc answered "You were blabbering to Rin about this world, and those people you saw, and what they can do."

Zel was confused, "Really? But I thought I was . . . nevermind. Rin, I've said enough. We're at a cafe, let's order something!"

Rin asked in a groggy voice, "Do vampires eat the same food humans do?"

Zel said, "Sometimes, yes. Arc and I certainly do. Let's see what's on the menu." The three of them ordered some drinks and downed them. Zel then said, "Okay Rin, feel rejuvenated enough to move on?"

Rin quietly muttered, "Uh huh."

Zel excitedly claimed, "Then that settles it! Follow me!" He led the two back down an alley, away from prying eyes. He reached for his Kaleidostick and opened a portal. He, Arc, and Rin proceeded through it.

The trio was now in a new universe. They were in a city, but one much larger than the last one. They were in an alleyway again, perfect to disguise dimensional sliders. Zel commanded, "Wait here again, I'll go ahead and scout." Zel moved forward, and he saw a large crowd gathered. However, there was something . . . _off_, about this crowd. Their faces, it looked like their facial features were poorly defined, their bodies had limbs too long and too skinny for their physiques, their figures, especially the female figures, had torsos about as wide as a pinky finger, and speaking of women, why were so many of them dressed like sluts?

But not only that, the crowd was listening to a man, or rather, a figure, make a speech. The figure was wearing a full face mask, and he was wearing an elaborate costume, but even then, he probably had a badly proportioned body like everyone else in this universe. He was speaking, or more like hamming, "**NO LONGER WILL THE PEOPLES OF JAPAN BE SUBJUGATED BY THE LIKES OF THE BRITTANIANS! I WILL CRUSH THEM MYSELF, AND RESTORE JAPAN TO HER FORMER GLORY!**" He then changed his tone, as much as a character in this setting could change their tone, "**BY THE WAY, IN CASE YOU COULDN'T TELL, I JUST SMOKED A BUNCH OF **_**CRACK!**_"

Just as he said that, a white mecha zoomed in from out of nowhere. The crowd was frightened. The giant robot said through an amplified voice, "**I HAVE FOUND YOU, ZERO! I WILL NOT LET YOU BRING HARM TO THE EMPIRE!**"

The man known as Zero retaliated, "**I ANTICIPATED YOUR ARRIVAL, WHITE KNIGHT! AS SUCH, I HAVE TWENTY KNIGHTMARE FRAMES TRAINED ON YOUR EXACT LOCATION!**"

The so-called White Knight boasted, "**MY SUICIDAL OVERCONFIDENCE TELLS ME TO IGNORE THE TRAP YOU HAVE SET FOR ME AND CHARGE AT YOU AT ONCE!**"

Zel cowered in fear. He darted back to the women, but not without muttering, "Scheiße!" under his breath. He told them, "Come, ladies. We are leaving, RIGHT. NOW."

Arc was disappointed, "But why? I haven't been to this dimension before!"

Rin said, "Yeah, and I think I'm starting to get motion sickness from all of the dimension hopping."

Zel said tersely, "You can get your rest once we're done with today's exercise. We were going to explore six world today, and you just lucked out with number three." He waved his wand, "This one is a freebie for you, but only because I abhor this version of this universe."

Rin asked, "Why? What's so bad about this universe?"

Zel quickly said, "There will be time for explanations later. Hurry through the portal before this universe corrupts you into a misshapen xenophobic hypocrite who is unable to speak with subtlety. In short," He dashed forward through the portal, "RUN!" Arc and Rin followed him.

[Author's Note: I am not writing this alone. My friend and partner-in-crime Heraklinios has supplanted me with ideas. This was edited to feature one of his suggestions. More of his ideas will appear in the next chapter.]


	7. Instant Awesome: Just Add Zelretch Pt 2

The trio found themselves in a very new setting. The feeling of vertigo subsided quickly. Rin's face was still drained from color, but Arcueid was perfectly fine. Perhaps being a True Ancestor helped a little bit. Besides, jumping from dimension from dimension isn't as easy as it sounds, Rin found out.

"Ah. It seems we've arrived." Zelretch announced, a hint of excitement escaping his old lips.

"Ugh . . . I feel like I just woke up. And I mean terrible." Rin shook her head to recover.

They were in a futuristic city, one run by both magic and technology. One would think that a civilization that mastered magic and science would be a blissful utopia, but this was anything but. There was filth everywhere, and scumbags patrolling every centimeter of the streets. Arcueid asked, "We don't need disguises, do we?"

"Of course not." Zel assured, "If anything, we're actually more normal-looking than most of the regulars here." He glanced at Rin, "You don't seem to be feeling well. I should administer some medicine, but I don't think I have anything that helps with sliding-induced motion sickness. Arc, see if you can find some. I recall there should be a doctor's clinic not too far from here."

Arc winked, "Will do. Don't stray too far." She walked off.

* * *

Inside the local doctor's clinic, a woman in a red-and-white robe was pounding down the sake. She moaned, "Oooh, what am I gonna do about Arakune? No one but me wants to help him! Why does Kokonoe not listen?"

Arc walked in, "Hello?"

The woman glanced at Arc, "Sorry, we're-" she cut herself off, then smiled. "Oh, look at _you!_"

Arc said, "Uh, yes, I was hoping you carried some pharmaceuticals, do you?"

The woman stood up. She was taller than Arc, and . . . even curvier than her. True, women more voluptuous than Arc existed, but not like _this._ The lady said, "Oh, this is _perfect!_ You are at least as good as that NOL lady from not too long ago, and I can already tell you're more promising than that petite lieutenant."

Arc raised an eyebrow, "Come again?"

The lady asked, "You like pandas, don't you?"

"I-I guess."

The woman reached into her long braided black hair and pulled out what looked like a panda plushie. She threw it at Arc. She caught it, then her eyes and smile went wide, "Aaaaooooo~! It's just so cute!" She sat down at a table and played with the plushie. "Aren't you the cutest little thingǃ?"

The woman seductively whispered into Arc's ear, "I noticed your hair isn't yellow like most blondes around here, but more of a golden brown color. That's my _favorite_ kind of blonde hair."

Arc ignored her, continuing to play with the plushie.

"Good. She's entranced."

Somehow without Arc noticing, the woman stripped her out of all of her clothes, save for her undergarments, then put her in a new outfit. She then grabbed the panda, "I'll be taking that." She then glanced at Arc, "Wow! Look at you! That outfit is perfect on you! It really brings out your thighs!"

Arc noticed her new costume. She smiled, "Oh wow! This does look good on me!" She then suddenly remembered what she came here for, "Oh yeah, do you have any medicine that can help with motion sickness?"

The lady said, "Yeah, I do." She reached into a cabinet and pulled out a container of pills. "The price is on the bottle."

Arc realized that Zel's chest wasn't with her, and as such, she didn't have any money. She noticed her old clothes were on the ground, "Uh, can't you take my clothes as payment? I've got spares at home, and even though they probably wouldn't fit you, you could always give them away."

The lady was steadfast, "Look ma'am, I need cash just like anyone else. If I sold my wares for free, I'd be living out on the streets. Now, do you have the money or not?"

Arc sighed, "Looks like there's no way around this." She covered one of her eyes with her hand, and her visible eye changed to a red-and-gold scheme. She said in a much icier tone of voice, "You will offer these pills to me for free."

The woman's eyes changed from purple to red. She said in a lifeless tone, "Yes, master." She handed Arc the pills.

Arc's eye changed back to red-and-white, and she smiled, "Thanks! I'll be taking my leave now!" And she exited.

The woman went back to her sake, her eyes back to purple, "See? She didn't freak out. Why can't more women be like her?"

* * *

Rin was observing her surroundings as best as she could, that was until someday pushed her aside, "Agh!" she screamed, as she saw someone in what looked like a hoodie ran by. "Watch where you're going!" She shouted.

The runner stopped in their tracks. "Hmm?" The person turned around, a person whose only visible facial features were eyes and teeth; everything else was pitch black. It said in a girly voice, "Rabbit, is that you? Since when did you get taller? And turn your hair black?"

Rin asked, "Huh? Rabbit? What are you-" The mysterious girl suddenly tackled her, "Ack!"

"And boobier, too! But not by that much, meow."

"Meow?" Rin said, "Are you supposed to be a cat of some kind?"

The girl stood up, "Tao is Tao, meow!"

Zel greeted, "Nice to see you again, Tao!"

Tao turned around, and excitedly said, "Bearded Guy! I didn't even see you there!"

Zel chuckled, "Rambunctious as ever I see! By the way, that's not who you think it is. That's my newest understudy, Rin Tohsaka. I can see why you'd mistake her for the head of the Alucard family; even their voices are similar, but she's someone new."

Alucard family? Bearded Guy? _What?_

"But she's a little under the weather right now. She's waiting for Arcueid to come back. You remember her, right?"

Tao looked like she was in deep thought. "I don't think I've ever heard of an 'Arc Weed' before. Is that a food you can eat?"

Zel corrected, "Uh, no. You'll recognize her when you see her."

Upon saying that, Arc came back, holding a container of pills, however, she wasn't wearing her usual clothes. Instead, she was . . . wearing a blue Chinese dress, with white lace-up knee-high boots. "Say Zel, do the doctors of this world double as costume fitters? For a moment, I thought I walked into a modeling studio."

Zel took the pills but thought to himself, _Where have I seen that outfit before?_ He then said, "Good job, Arc." He then glanced at Tao, "Oh, and look who showed up!"

Tao glanced at Arc, "Boobie lady? Did you turn your hair blonde . . . and wear a blue dress instead of a red dress . . . and get less boobier?"

Arc raised an eyebrow, "Oh, you're that catgirl, right? Well, I'm not in my usual outfit right now." She whispered to Zel, "I can hop into your chest and change because she's the one that forgets easily, right?"

Zel nodded. Arc dived into the chest. Tao was aghast, "Whoooooooooa! Boobie Lady jumped into your treasure chest, Bearded Guy! How did she do thatǃ?"

Zel said, "A magician never reveals his secrets."

"Wooooooow!"

Zel went up to Rin, "These pills are fast-acting. One should be enough." He unscrewed the top and handed Rin a pill.

"Thank you." She said while gulping down the medicine. Within moments, her queasiness subsided. "Wow! That was really fast!"

Upon Rin's recovery, Arc jumped out in her usual clothes. Tao looked like she saw someone new, "White Girl! You just jumped out of a treasure chest! How did you do thatǃ?"

Arc winked, "I can't tell you that! That would be cheating!"

Zel then said, "Hey Tao, I have a challenge for you."

"Meow?"

"My newest student, I want you to spar with her."

Rin's voice was filled with disdain, "What?ǃ You want me to what?ǃ"

Zel turned to her, "You do have martial training, and it's not much of a challenge. I just want to see who will knock the other off their feet first."

Tao took a fighting stance, "This sounds like fun, meow! Are you ready, Black Rabbit?"

"Stop calling me Rabbit! I'm a human!"

Tao countered, "Then why do you have ribbons just like the Rabbit Girl?"

_Huh? There's really someone in this universe that's a lot like me?_ "I don't know." She took a stance of her own. "But I will not back down from a challenge."

Zel exclaimed, "Then let us begin!"

The moment he shouted "Begin!", Tao leaped at Rin and pinned her to the ground. Zel threw his hands up, "Winner, Tao!"

Tao started dancing "Yaaaay! I won! I won!" She ran up to Zel, "Do I get any meat buns for winning?ǃ"

Rin stood up, "What was the point of that?"

Zel, reaching into his chest for some meat buns, said, "Oh, I just wanted to see if you were able to obey my command and be willing to fight an opponent. You succeeded." He pulled out some meat buns for Tao, "Now we may proceed to a new world."

"OM NOM NOM NOM!"

Arc told Rin, "Since Tao here has a terrible memory, we can go ahead and jump without any risks.".

Zel didn't hesitate; he had his wand in hand and made a portal. "Strike while the iron is hot!" The three jumped though the portal.

Or were about to, since . . .

(THUD!)

"Argh! Again! What's with people crashing into meǃ? This is getting really frustrating!" Rin snapped.

Zel dispelled the portal immediately. He couldn't risk outsiders to notice them.

A man in a red jacket stood up, "Gah! Freaking rabbit! What are you . . . huh?" He blinked in confusion as he saw Rin. "The hell? Why do you sound like the rabbit? And your hairstyle-"

"-Who is this rabbit everyone keeps referring toǃ?" Rin yelled.

"Ragna! What happened?" a young man wearing white shorts and blue parka ran towards the white haired man. "Who is th- . . . Oh good god no . . .

. . . Oh god, indeed. That guy wearing the parka? That's me, Raim Hanta. I'm kinda known for jumping in and out of universes, not because I want to; I'm just trying to get home . . .. Or maybe I'm just screwing with your head. One day when I was in Katgusuchi, I was traveling with a Chaotic-Neutral fellow you might know as Ragna the Bloodedge, a pretty cool guy in my opinion, when suddenly, we slammed into . . .

No. This isn't happening. That's not who I think it is. It isn't possible. I'm repeating myself too much.

Nope. No way. As if coming to this godforsaken dimension wasn't enough, THIS kind of shit happens.

Nuh-uh. There's no way that's Rin Tohsaka. No. Definitely not.

**"Stop being in denial, kid."** Glid spoke up. "**If weird shit happens**, **_more _****weird** **shit will happen, no matter how awkward it is**."

Shut up. *sigh* Oh, that's Glid. He lives in my head, and only I can hear him. Fun guy.

"Hey, Raim, you feeling okay?" Ragna asked me.

"In all honesty, no. I'm freaked out."

"Me too. She has the same voice as the rabbit . . ."

What.

"Hey! Aren't you going to apologize?" She insisted.

Both Ragna and I gasped as we noticed she REALLY had the same voice as Rachel.

"Hey, Rin!" Oh god no, HER tooǃ? "What's the holdup, hmm?"

Ladies, gentleman and other crap, I'm looking directly at Arcueid Brunstrud. I have obviously gone insane.

"Huh? Who the hell are you?" Nice way of opening conversations, Ragna.

"Me? I'm Arcueid. My friends call me Arc."

"...Right." I answered. "Look, not wanting to sound rude but, we need to go somewhere else."

"**Hey kid, why the hell are you so polite? Scared?" **the bastard named Glid whispered.

"In all honesty, yeah." I muttered back. "Do you know WHO she isǃ?"

"**Nope. And I don't care**."

I hate you.

"People have no manners in this dimension!"

"Now now, Rin, that's not true." An old ma- ZELRETCH!

Okay, who drugged me? Seriously, WHO DRUGGED MEǃ? . . . And what's with that stick that looks like it was ripped off from a Magical Girl anime?

"But!" Rin shouted.

The old timer turned to us, "Ah, I'm very sorry for any inconvenience we may've caused."

"Tch." I hear ya, Ragna.

"Now, if you excuse us, we have a trip to finish."

"Whatever, old man." Ragna started to walk away. "Just don't mess with me again."

The old guy turned to Rin, "Well now, shall we be going? Rin, if you would be so kind as to find somewhere isolated for me? Arc, too."

"Right."

And with that, she and Arcueid wandered away. Still, it creeps me out that she has the same voice as the goddamn shitty vampire.

"Hey, move already, Raim." Ragna warned me, walking far away from me. "I just might leave you."

*sigh* "Fine, fine! I'm co-!"

"Raim Hanta." Zelretch interrupted me. And how do you . . . Know my name? "Now that I have your attention, I want to speak to you."

"Me?"

"Not you you. Your other you."

Okay, it seems you've become senile in one second.

"Not wanting to reveal yourself, huh?" Er, what? "*sigh* Well, you leave me no choice then."

Hey, what are you going t-

* * *

The whole place turned gray and time stopped abruptly. Raim Hanta remained immobile as any other living being, water and air. (And somehow, I'm not narrating anymore. Figures.)

However, one figure remained in color. A young man almost at his twenties, dressed with a red jacket and a black hakama leaned lazily on a wall. A pair of blue headphones were over his head. He sighed once as he walked towards Zelretch . . . or so he wanted to believe. Instead . . .

"...At the Star Wars. (Star Wars!) Star Wars Cantina~! Music and blasters and old jedi masters~! At the Sta-...oh shit, you didn't see me singing like that, did you?" the young man sang while removing his headphones quickly.

For some reason, Zelretch felt that this was strangely 'normal' for this strange man.

"Okay...so, what do you want?" the young man said. "And please, forget what you saw."

"Indeed, I will." Zel sighed. "So, you must be the renowned Meta self of Raim Hanta. The 'Human of The Other Side'. The Neutral One. The Bane of Rabbits."

"Oh come on!" Meta-Raim shouted. "That title is still usedǃ? Jesus, I'm never going back to Australia."

"And yet, people are grateful for that . . . massacre of rabbits."

"HEY! I was hungry, alright?ǃ"

"Nevermind that." Zel decided to get back on the subject. "You do know what I am doing here, don't you?"

"..."

"Simply, I want to ask you to stop meddling with the affairs of other worlds! It's too risky to keep doing things like that!"

"Says the guy who hops through worlds on a daily basis." Meta-Raim mouthed.

"I know what I'm doing! You, on the other hand, don't! That's why I'm warning you!"

"Right. And I have a keyblade, right King Triton?" Meta-Raim snarked. "This isn't Kingdom Hearts, you know? Besides, I do what I do. Nothing's going to change that."

"Don't be foolish." Zel warned, "You know that trying to face Heaven is suicidal."

"Louis told me that once. I'll take my chances."

Zel raised an eyebrow,"The Morning Star? Surely you know that associating with him will lead you to ruin."

"I know. That's why I am NOT associating with him. Yukari Yakumo is keeping tabs on him, though." Meta-Raim sighed, "Look, I just left a review to the other Rachel Alucard* and I'm really, really tired." he said. "Besides, you're referring to my non-Meta self, right? You know that he'll just do what he believes he must do."

"I know."

"Was that so hard to understand?" he sighed. "Now, if you excuse me, I need to get ready to play Marvel vs. Capcom 3. Deadpool will kill me if I don't keep my promise."

Zel asked, "Deadpool? The gentleman Merc with the Mouth, I take it?"

"Don't ask, will ya? Although I'm surprised that you know him." he said. "Also, you do know that three people are seeing this, you know?"

"Yes."

* * *

In the other side of the screen, Rin reacted with, "WHATǃ?"

Kohaku threw up her arms, "The machine! It's become self-aware!"

Arcueid said, "Quiet down! I'm trying to watch!"

* * *

"Good." Meta-Raim added. "That solved . . . practically nothing, but I just wanted to say that."

Stop bulldozing the fourth wall, you dumb asshole!

Zel said, "Well, at least I expect you might reconsider my warning. Remember, even if you're in one Meta level above us, don't think that makes you powerful. Take care of…"

The sound of glass crashing interrupted Zel. Looking around, he saw the image of Non-Meta Raim Hanta gaining color and moving.

"What?" Raim blinked. "Hey, Zel, what just happ-"

Before Non-Meta Raim could notice his Meta self, Meta-Raim did the unthinkable. With a swift motion, he punched directly the head of his other self, knocking him…himself out instantly.

(THUD!)

"Okay, was that really necessary?" Zel questioned.

"That's how I roll." Meta-Raim said. "Besides, if he sees me, then even more dangerous shit might happen. But, just in case," He punched Raim again, with even more strength, leaving a crater under him. "There. That should do it." Meta-Raim dusted his hands off.

Zel's voice was filled with astonishment, "Such violence on yourself. My goodness."

"Well, trying a diplomatic approach with myself would be useless, stupid, and just plain weird, don't you think?"

Zel nodded, "In this case, I agree. But try not to do the same every time you need to solve anything."

"Will do . . . perhaps." Meta-Raim shrugged.

Zel turned around, "Well, I guess I must return to-"

"-Wait."

"What is it?" Zel raised an eyebrow.

"Actually, it is an almost perfect timing for you to appear. You see, I want to come along with you three. Like hitchhiking. Only through dimensions. That way, I can reach the Marvel Universe faster."

"What?" Zel questioned. "Are you mad?"

"There's a thin line between madness and genius. I'm in the middle." Meta-Raim said. "Besides, you gonna keep this spell up all the day or not?"

Zel sighed. This time-freezing spell was really taking its toll.

"Come on. Be a pal and let me join you, will ya?"

Zel knew that he couldn't change his mindset once he decided something. He's well known because he goes by his own rules.

"Alright. I'll let you join, for now, even though I'm in the middle of training a new student. Regardless, let me introduce you to my companions."

"I know who they are already."

Zel noted, "Maybe, but they don't know you."

"Touché."

* * *

Zel and Meta-Raim approached Arc and Rin. "You again?" Rin said as both Zel and Meta-Raim catched up to the group. "What do you want this time?"

"No, you are confusing people. This is the first time we've met." He lied. "My name is . . ." he searched his mind for a name, "John Smith."

"Wait, isn't that the name of that one fellow we just met?" Arcueid noticed.

"_Crap._ Well . . . that is one of my _nicknames_. My name is…David…David Tennant." Again, another lie.

Rin observed, "You look kind of older than that kid, and you're wearing different clothes. Hmm, perhaps I did get confused."

_Or maybe__ you're blind. _Meta-Raim thought to himself.

"Well then, what are we waiting for?" Zel said while opening the portal once again. "Allons-y!"

* * *

Zel, Meta-Raim, Arc, and Rin found themselves indoors. The interiors were very clean, and the order of the structure was orderly. Zel looked alert, "Uh oh. I think we ended up in a bad place."

"Bad?" Meta-Raim said. "You need a better adjective for that."

Just then, a modulated voice from behind said, "You're not authorized in this area!" The three turned around and saw three men in full white body armor wielding black rifles.

Zel whispered to Rin, "No matter what happens, remain perfectly still." Rin gulped.

One of the white troopers shouted, "Blast them!" They opened fire on the three. Rin gasped, but remained still. Their rifles fired laser blasts . . . and yet, they could not hit any of them.

Moments passed. Zel smiled cockily, "When you served the Republic, you were among the best infantrymen the Galaxy had ever seen. So what was it about the transition from a Republic to an Empire that rendered you near useless? I'm gonna guess the Empire buys all of its weapons from the lowest bidder."

"*sigh* Silly stormtroopers. If you can't even hit a wookie, then why the hell are you still trying?" Meta-Raim noted.

"Must be the helmets…" Arcueid commented.

"It _is_ the helmets…" Meta-Raim nodded.

Zel made an aside to a startled Rin, "Dispose of them."

"Uh, right!" Rin pulled out a gemstone, recited "_Arfang!_", and fired a blast of energy at the troopers. They fell to the ground like lifeless puppets.

"If they didn't try to shoot us, I'd feel somewhat sorry for them. Let's check their wallets." Meta-Raim suggested.

A klaxon alarm sounded off. "Oh yeah. We're definitely in a bad place." Zel noted. Within moments, they were surrounded by more white-armored soldiers, as well as some men in dark gray armor with distinct helmets.

"Great. The cavalry is here. Just in time, guys!" Meta-Raim snarked.

Rin whispered to Zel, "Can I kill these ones, too?"

Zel said, "No. The ones in black actually can shoot." He then motioned to Arc, "You're gonna have to play weakling until I say otherwise." Arc nodded.

"You sure? I say we use the other stormtroopers as meat shields." Meta-Raim whispered.

"That's highly unethical." Zel noted.

One of the soldiers in black said, "Rebel scum! How did you get onboard this vesselǃ?"

Zel looked astonished, "Us, Rebels? You must be mistaken! We have nothing to do with those degenerates! We despise democratic republics as much as you-" He was cut off by a stun shot that knocked him and Rin down.

"Well then, talking isn't a free action after all." Meta-Raim commented.

Arc fell down slightly after they did. They tried to shoot Raim too, however, "Surely we can resolve this like gentleman." M-Raim tried to suggest the alternative. But no, the stormtroopers decided to shoot him, but before he was hit, he used a stormtrooper's body as a shield, just as he initially planned.

"O-Our comrade!" one of them said. "That's it! Set your blasters to kill!"

"Wait, It was set to stunǃ?" Meta-Raim shouted. "How stupid can you be?"

The answer was continuous blaster fire. Meta-Raim had to jump away from their firing range as he sprinted out of the way. He tried to carry the unconscious bodies of everyone else, but the black-clad soldiers had surrounded them. He had to flee, leaving them behind. "Have to play weakling, eh Zel? Wow, you were so wrong on that one." M-Raim commented as he kept running. "Hang on. I'll find you." And he dashed out of the hallway and jumped down a ventilation shaft in the nick of time.

The man in black ordered, "Take them to the brig. I'll deal with them later."

"Yes sir!"

* * *

After some minutes, Zel woke up in a cell, alongside Arcuied and Rin. It was a small, rectangular cell that had lasers instead of bars, but he was not dismayed.

"Ah, good. Arc's with us. Her feint worked." Zel tapped Rin's cheek. "Alright, wake up, both of you."

"Ugh…" Rin rubbed her head as Arc yawned and stretched her arms. "What happened? I feel like if I just woke up, again."

Zel said, "Now's not the time. Arc, if you would do the honors," Zel said while pointing at the control panel right next to the cell. "I think ripping through the wall should work.

"Okay! Leave it to me!" Arc pumped her fists as she punched through the wall, made from whatever alloy the Empire uses for their ships. But then again, being a True Ancestor does have its advantages.

The lasers bars faded instantly, alerting the nearby troopers, but for their luck, they were the ones in white. Suffice to say, they did not last long. "Well . . . that was refreshing." Arc said as she stretched her arms. "Hey, where's the other guy?"

"You mean R- *ahem* David?" Zel corrected himself at the right time. "He must have separated from us when those stormtroopers assaulted us. I wonder where the lad has gone?"

"I knew it!" Rin huffed, "That guy is really fishy. I don't trust him at all."

"Now now, Rin, calm down." Zel said. "True, it's a surprise he isn't with us, but, knowing his personality-"

-A mild grunt and a thud was heard over them as Zel stopped speaking. Then, a small tapping occurred. And finally, a bokuto pierced through the roof, surprising the group. Raim Hanta forced his way down afterwards.

"Shit! Note to self: falling down a ventilation tract without looking down is a bad idea."

"Hey, where were you exa-?" Rin asked.

"No time to ask. Jump!" Meta-Raim warned as he jumped away from his position as blaster fire rained through the small orifice in the ceiling.

"Keep firing!" one gruff voice said from atop the room.

"Perfect! Stay there like that." Zel started humming as he took out his wand. "Better get out of here before something else happens." Rin and the others nodded. "Alright then, let's go!"

They all jumped inside the recently opened portal as the stormtroopers were still firing aimlessly . . . Or so they expected that. In fact, something else happened.

"What is th-?" Zel said as he felt strong pressure around his neck almost like if someone was…choking him.

All of them went sent flying by an unseen force towards the annex wall. Arcueid stood quickly to face her attacker, but then she felt restrained, pinned to the wall, alongside Rin, which hand slowly opened, forcing her to drop some of her gems.

"W-What kind of *choke* magic is this?" Rin was confused by the scene as she felt her lungs demanded oxygen.

Her eyes then saw a man entirely in black armor, including black helmet mask. His hand was raised, as if he were reaching out to her from a distance. He spoke in a deep voice, "*breathe* *exhale* How foolish. Trying to storm a Super Star Destroyer with an old man, two women, and a boy is the best the Rebels can muster at this point?" He mused. "Disappointing . . . or perhaps you're Jedi that are revealing themselves after all this time?"

"Darth Vader." Zel recognized their attacker. "Ah, I feel sorry for you. Such grief *hack* for the loss of the only thing precious to him. Urk!" the choking feeling increased.

"How do you know this informationǃ?" Vader was befuddled.

"Dude." Meta-Raim interrupted. "We can guess." He lied. After all, who doesn't know Star Wars? "I think the true reason you're like this is because your joystick got burned in the lava."

More Force Choke was directed towards Meta-Raim's neck . . . or so Vader wished it happened.

"I love having immunity to abilities."

"Then *hack* why were you pushed back?" Zel asked.

"I still don't get why. Perhaps pulling or pushing with abilities isn't negated. Just like Accelerator's abilities in To Aru Majutsu no Index." Meta-Raim tried to explain to the group. "Or perhaps he's only pinning my clothes to the wall, but not me, in a sense."

"What are you talking ab-?"

The pressure increased. Rin screamed as she felt her body forced to the wall. Zel tried to reach his wand, but the unbearable pain around his neck limited him.

"Your attempts to free yourselves are futile, Jedi." Vader taunted.

"Oh come on! We are not Jedi!" Meta-Raim interrupted. "I mean, do we have lightsabers on us? Are you blind or what?"

And then _even more_ pressure was added to Raim's body, making him grunt in pain. But he didn't stop there.

"*sigh* Sweet Jesus… you have anger issues, man. Oh wait, maybe your wife didn't die. No, she dumped you because you were a mama's boy!"

_More _pressure!

"Gee, I wonder if you use these tricks on your wife. Oh god. Maybe you had an S&M routine! Eww! That is **sick**!"

The wall behind Raim started tearing down. Some bone cracks were heard.

"*whistle* I'm not going to pay for that. You know what, you need to find your inner child…or wait, you're still a whiny brat, only in a body of an old man. But be grateful, you're still not Edward Cullen.

The wall cracked as the wiring snapped, releasing small sparks.

"_What is he doing? Getting himself killed?"_ Rin thought. "_If only I could…reach…my other gems…"_

"Oh come on! It was a compliment…well, sort of. Your face might look like crap, but hey! You still have your health…oh wait."

The wall exploded from the sheer pressure as Vader focused both of his hands at Raim. It's amazing how he isn't screaming yet.

"*breathe* *exhale* DO YOU *breathe* *exhale* EVER SHUT *BREATHE* *EXHALE* UPǃ?" Vader was having hard time controlling himself.

"Hmm…lemme think…nah! Hanging with Deadpool really is hazardous…or perhaps useful."

"HOWǃ?"

"Because now you're not looking at the others, dipshit." Meta-Raim said, with complete seriousness.

"_Anfang!"_ the collective incantation of both Zel and Rin managed to incapacitate Vader with a sharp blow to the back of the neck. One of the greatest fears of the 1980s, defeated by a girl and an old man.

"*cough* *wheeze* Okay, next time, someone else be the distraction." Raim struggled to stand up.

"But you were doing nicely up to this point." Arc commented. "Your body may be more resistant than you think."

"Look Arc, I'm not Wolverine. So…no. I don't want to do that again."

Zel put a gem near Vader's head, muttered something in German and picked up his wand and opened, once again, the portal.

"What did you do?" Meta-Raim asked.

"Ah…just a little mind wipe. He and everyone else won't remember anything that happened here, well, apart from his rage."

"Hey, don't blame me. I just did what I had to do. If not, we'd all be dead." M-Raim commented.

"Yes, but that was quite dangerous." Zel said, and everyone agreeded.

"Hey! Don't diss trash talking! After all, what would Spider-Man, Deadpool and Dante be without it?"

"I have no idea who you keep talking about!" Rin snapped. "Oh geez, this is getting extremely frustrating. Can we go now?"

"Wait. Let me kick his balls…if they aren't crispy nuggets by now." Jesus, Raim! Stop with those comments.

The footsteps of several more stormtroopers echoed near the corridor.

"Well, under these circumstances, I think we should be taking our leave." Zel said as they entered through a newly made portal, just as the stormtroopers arrived.

Right as Meta-Raim left, he thought, _That's the last time I ever set foot onboard the SSD Executor._

* * *

The group were in a vast, semi-arid region. Arc and Rin looked around to observe while Raim stood there. "This doesn't look familiar; where are we?" Arc questioned.

Zel had a mischievous grin on his face, "We're on Earth, but an Earth wherein the humans are not the dominant species."

Arc thought aloud, "Oh . . . are we on the Earth where primates enslaved the humans?"

Zel answered, "Not exactly."

"I don't like where this is going…" Meta-Raim commented.

* * *

A number of pilotable mechas were camped. They all had facial patterns on their torsos. A number of men, men that looked like cross-breeds of Earth creatures, were in a pitched tent. Three of these animal men were playing Liar's Dice. One of them, a zebra with flamingo wings, called out, "This sucks! You always win at this!"

The man he was talking to, a rhinoceros with dolphin-features, laughed, "That's cuz I ain't stupid!"

The third man, one who looked like a crocodile with leopard-like traits, chimed, "Yeah, easy for you to say. We're still new at this."

Right then, a short man, one that looked like a sea otter crossed with a salamander, ran in with short breath. "Boss! Boss! Come take a look!"

The rhinoceros man stood up, "Excuse me, ladies. It appears I have something more important to tend to."

He followed the otter-salamander hybrid to the top of one of the parked mechas. He offered his "boss" his binoculars, "Look over there."

What the rhino man saw made his jaw drop. "I can't believe this; in _this_ sector? I requested this sector because I thought I could goof off." He then glanced downward and barked, "Humans spotted at eight o'clock! All of you, to your Ganmen!"

* * *

"Wait, Beastmen?"

Zel told Rin, "That's what they call themselves. They forced humans to live underground. Any of them that come to the surface is subject to death. This world belongs to them."

Arc was astonished, "That's terrible!"

Rin agreed, "What she said."

"Oh! Then where is Kaminaǃ?" Raim was excited as he figured out where he was.

Right then, a flank of mechas marched toward them. They were ten strong, and came in varying shapes and sizes. Zel said, "Well Rin, this is your final assignment for today. Those Beastmen robots coming this way? Drive them back."

Rin twisted her face, "Whatǃ? You want me to kill those thingsǃ?"

Zel insinuated, "Not kill; I would prefer you not kill the pilots. Just send them running home with their tails between their legs."

Rin stuttered, "But . . . h-h-how?"

Zel held Rin shoulders softly, "Your magic is powerful enough to harm most Heroic Servants; it's more than enough to demolish these machines."

Raim raised an eyebrow. "Wait…seriously?"

Rin's eyes still conveyed fear, "But, what if I run out of gems?"

Zel assured her, "That shouldn't stop you. Arc, David and I will back you up if things get too out of hand, but you need to prove yourself. We believe in you, everyone in the Mage's Association does. Your sister believes in you, too. Now go."

_Um…I think you're reaaaaally stretching that phrase, Zel. _Raim thought to himself.

Rin, still afraid, meekly said, "Okay." She advanced toward the robots.

One of the mecha faces started moving as if to indicate speech, "Oh, what's this? One of you is offering yourself as a sacrifice? That's either incredibly brave, or incredibly stupid of you. Regardless-"

_Why aren't they attacking already?_ Rin thought. Noting this, she reached for her gems. She now held a stone between her index, middle, ring, and pinky fingers on both hands, for a total of six. She chanted in German, then fired blasts of magic at the mechas.

Two of them toppled over. One of them shouted, "GAAAAAH! SHE'S SHOOTING ARTILLERY OUTTA THIN AIR!" One of the mechas came charging at her. It tried to squish her under its foot, but she evaded it every time. "STOP MOVING SO THAT I CAN CRUSH YOU!" Rin responded by reciting in German and firing another blast, which put that mecha out of commission.

From behind, a creature that looked like a humanoid goose with orangutan arms holding a cleaver charged at her, "YOU _BITCH!_" He shouted, his arm back, ready to swipe. Rin activated the magic circuits in her arm, and fired Gandr shots at the attacker. The goose/orangutan man's face went from one of angry determination to one of surprise, "WHOA! (dodge!) HOLY! (dodge!) SHE'S SHOOTING BULLETS OUTTA HER FINGERTIP! (dodge!)" The attacker turned around and started running, "NO WAY I'M FIGHTING HER! I'M GOING BACK TO THE CAPITOL!"

"Same here!" The pilots of the other downed mechas shouted. They joined the first deserter.

"COWARDS!" One of the pilots shouted . . . and Raim too.

Rin noticed that her gem count was getting low. She had enough to knock out maybe one more mecha, but that was it. A crazy idea ran through her head. One of the mechas charged at her. She said something in German, and fired not directed at the mecha, but rather on the ground in front of it. The blast knocked the mecha off its feet.

"Nice moves, Rin!" Arc cheered.

She bolted for where she figured was the cockpit. When she did, a creature that looked like an otter/salamander hybrid opened the cockpit door, holding a small gun in his hand. Rin always had a dagger on her, and for the first time that day, she armed it. She slashed at the wrist of the creature, causing him to drop his gun, which Rin grabbed before he could. Murderous intent was in her eyes, "Give me this vehicle and I'll let you live."

The creature whimpered, "Y-Yes, ma'am!" He ran away to catch up with the other deserters.

"Tohsaka-san, I think the phrase was 'Leave or die. Your choice.' Not that."

"Shut up, Tennant-san! I'm not talking to you!" Rin shouted back.

Rin noted that the controls of the vehicle seemed awfully similar to the ones she saw in TV shows as a kid. Piloting it was no problem. One of the pilots observed, "SHE HIJACKED ONE OF THE GANMEN! DON'T HOLD BACK!" She charged at her, but Rin managed to hold them off. Rin's physical training through her life was paying off, and her martial arts training served her well. One by one, she took out the other so-called "Ganmen", knocking them out of commission, forcing the animal soldiers to flee.

When all ten had been defeated, Rin let out a victory cheer, "WHOOOOOO! YES!"

But her cheer was short-lived, for an object fell from the sky right next to her. This object rose, revealing itself to be a sky blue mecha with a dark gray face in the torso, and a crested helmet on top. There were two sword sheaths attached to its hips, with large swords fitted inside of them. It turned to face Rin. The pilot spoke, "You're pretty good; for a human. Unfortunately for you, your luck has just run out, for you now have Vice Commander Viral, of the Human Annihilation Army as your opponent!" He charged at her, delivering a solid kick to Rin's mecha's torso, knocking her down. He then fired what appeared to be large kunai daggers at Rin's downed mecha. Rin rolled out of the way just in time and sprung back on her feet. She charged him with fist held forward like a lance, but deployed a shield from his mecha's wrists, blocking Rin's attack. "Ha! You're no match for my Enkidu! Your Ganman is a mere insect compared to mine!" Missile launchers sprouted out of his shoulders and fired rockets at Rin. The mage-in-training evaded those shots and attempted a leg sweep at Viral's mecha, but he jumped up and fired a combination of daggers and missiles.

"Guh!" Rin's mecha was knocked down again. Viral stood a good distance from Rin. The ring on his mecha's helmet started to gather energy.

"You're _finished!_" The helmet fired a large laser blast that made a crater of where Rin was. When the light from the blast subsided, there was no sign of her. A malicious grin formed on Viral's face. "That's one less human troublemaker in the world."

Up from above him, Rin's mecha was coming down from the sky, holding a boulder between its hands. "HEEEEE-AAAAGGGGGHHHHHH!" Rin smashed the boulder over Viral's mecha. The boulder shattered into numerous small pieces, and a visible dent had been made on her opponent's mecha.

"You should have said "Rin SMASH!, or something like that." Meta-Raim commented.

She followed up by a flurry of punches and kicks. Viral was nearly knocked off the ground, but immediately drew the two sabres attached to his machine's hips. He couldn't defeat Rin with them, but he was able to put some distance between the two of them with his swords. Viral asked a question, "Just . . . just what _are_ youǃ?"

"A highschooler." Raim answered. "And she, even if I cannot process how a mage can learn so easily this, is kicking your ass."

Rin stepped out of her mecha and stood on top of her stolen ganman. She looked directly at what her enemy had referred to as his "Enkidu." She answered in her own words, "My mother and father are dead! I will never see them nor hear their voices ever again! HOWEVER! They live on, not in physical form, but in my heart, _here!_" She pounded her chest with her fist. "I made a promise that their deaths would not be in vain! That the time they spent raising me and my younger sister would not have gone to waste! I will not falter for _anyone_, least of all _you!_ I am Rin Tohsaka, elder daughter of Tokiomi and Aoi Tohsaka, and sister to Sakura Tohsaka! JUST WHO THE HELL ELSE WOULD I BEǃ?"

"HEY! DON'T YOU DARE RIP OFF SIMON!" Raim shouted atop his lungs. "…Even if technically he hasn't say that yet and then, after this series is over, everyone will rip that phrase off too...Damn, I need to choose my words better than that…"

Viral said, "Oh, your parents are dead? Cry me a river! The rules state that humans cannot trespass on the surface, and none of you are exceptions to that rule!" He roared from inside Enkidu as he rushed towards Rin with his blades. Rin panicked when she realized she was vulnerable to attack . . . until Arcueid, with eyes matching the color of her hair, jumped towards Enkidu and cut down one of his swords in half with just her claws.

"Well, if she can drop the moon, she can do that too." Meta-Raim commented.

Viral was knocked back by the recoil, still managing to process the thought of a mere "human" slashing down his Gunmen's blades.

"This . . . This is impossible!"

"Your teeth are impossible!" Raim commented.

"Shouldn't you go help them, David?" Zel whispered as both Rin's ganmen and Arcueid forced Viral to defend.

"Nah. I stole too much spotlight back on the _Executor._" Raim said, looking at the sky, which meant, looking at both the other three persons watching this spectacle. "Isn't that right?"

"Well, at least those girls are having a good time." Zel sighed, but had a smile on his face.

"Tch! Dammit! I guess I have no choice!" Viral said as he jumped away from the girl's attack range. "Don't you think this is over, filthy humans! You've won this battle, but the war will be ours!"

"But, I'm not really human…" Arcueid tried to say but Viral was gone, along with the rest of the Beastmen armada.

However, both groups didn't see a small red mech being launched over the sky, as the pilots were left in awe of such scenery . . . but well, that's another story.

Rin, exhausted beyond measure, stumbled back to Zel. "Uh, how was I? I didn't fail because Arc stepped in, did I?"

Zel answered, "You were fantastic; absolutely fantastic!"

Just as he said that, an entire wave of mechas and airships zeroed in on his location. Arc glanced at the wave. "Looks like we stirred up the hive."

Raim nodded. " Officially, shit hit the fan."

Zel said, "Yes, best to take our leave now." With his wand, he made a portal, and the four of them vanished.

* * *

The trio were back in the academy in London, where it had all started. Rin gathered her bearings, "So, did you really mean it? That I was fantastic?"

Zel grinned, "Yes, yes indeed. Not everyone catches on as quickly as you did." He glanced at his chest, "But we still have one more place to go!"

Rin groaned, "Ooooh! You said this was the end!"

Zel corrected, "The worlds, maybe, but I haven't showed you the space in my chest yet!" He opened his chest, "Arc, we deserve a break, and so does Rin."

Arc, eyes back to red, yelped, "Yay!" and ran into the chest . . . somehow, even though she shouldn't be able to fit in the chest.

"What the hell?" Raim doubted for a moment, but entered anyways.

Rin was at a loss for words, "Um."

Zel observed, "Oh, right. Imagine the chest is wide enough to accompany you, like a doorway. Just believe that you can walk right in."

Rin nodded. She moved forward into the chest. As she did, the chest seemed to envelop the world around Rin, and before she knew it, she was inside a large, bright room. Many hallways connected this room, and Arc spun around with her arms spread, "Welcome to the chest space!"

"Chest space?" Raim was . . . amused, by Zel's ability to create names. "Why not CID? As in **C**hest **I**nter**D**imensional Space?"

Rin was awed by what she saw, "Wooooow, how does this work?"

Zel, coming in, said, "It's rather complicated. Easier to just accept that it's bigger on the inside, like I said." He then glanced down one of the hallways, "Down there is the resort. It leads to a changing room, and beyond that, a tropical island."

"Okay, _now_ you are making stuff up."

Rin was astonished, "Wha, a tropical islandǃ? How does _that_ workǃ?"

Zel commented, "It took a long time to build, but it was worth it. In the changing room, you'll find a locker just for you. I took note of your measurements from the physical exam you underwent before enrolling and prepared a two-piece swimsuit just for you."

Rin blushed, "What? My measurements?" She silently said with disdain, "_Perv._"

Zel followed up with, "Oh what? Afraid to show off your body to me and Arc? I was told that you had an amazing abdomen."

"…Okay Zel. Now you're really creeping me out." Raim commented.

"Enough!" Rin snapped. "I'll wear it, but only because I need a break."

"Very good! I'll meet you on the resort! Arc can lead the way for you!" Zel said.

Arc smiled, "Right this way!" She led Rin down the hallway.

"Raim? Aren't you going to join them?" Zel asked.

"I hate beaches. And seeing girls in swimsuits isn't my style." The answer was awfully short. "Also, I told you I needed to go somewhere else."

"Oh. My apologies, then." Zel said, while making appear a tea set out of nowhere. "Tea?"

"Nah. But thanks anyway. Now, would you kindly open up the Warp for me?"

Zel complied as a purplish portal stood now before Raim. Zel spoke up again.

"If by any chance we meet again, you're free to join me along with my companions. Just to have fun and a good time. What do you say?"

Raim stood there, thinking. Then he spoke.

"…Perhaps." And he jumped towards the portal as it closed up.

* * *

At the end of the hallway where the two ladies went were two doors, one marked for men, the other marked for women. Arc opened the door for women, and inside was a locker room. "You're new, so your locker should be farther down." Arc told Rin.

As Rin looked for her locker, she noted some of the names of the other lockers, "Azaka Kokutou, Aoko Aozaki, Sion Eltnam Atlasia . . . there!" She found her name. She grasped the locker handle, and heard a mechanical voice recite, "Fingerprint confirmed as Rin Tohsaka." It unlocked and swung open. The locker was taller than Rin, and as such, housed many clothes, mostly spares of her school uniform, but a red two-piece bikini was held in front on a hanger. Rin couldn't help but blush at the notion that she would have to strip down to nakedness to put on the bikini. Arc was farther down changing into her own bikini, so Rin hurriedly took off her uniform and slipped on the bikini.

Arc approached her, wearing nothing but a white two-piece swimsuit, "One nice thing about Zel's resort is that the sand doesn't cling to your body. Also," She noticed Rin's hair ribbons were still on, "You don't need these." She tore the ribbons off.

"Hey!" Rin shouted.

Arc tossed the ribbons in Rin's locker. She then said, "No stress, now! This is a place to relax, take in the sights," she curled up her bare toes, "and air out your extremities. Come on, you deserve it!" She went for the door that led to the resort, flung it open, and ran out.

Rin walked past the door. Outside, she saw paradise; crystal clear sky, impeccably beautiful ocean, the greenest greens she had ever laid eyes on. She slowly walked out and looked around. The locker room looked like a beach house from where she was at. She went to the shores, and just like Arc said, the sand was so perfect, none of it clung to her bare feet. On the ocean, she saw Zel zooming on a surfboard, wearing yellow trunks, a red Hawaiian shirt, and pitch black sunglasses. He exuberantly exclaimed, "WOO HOO HOOOOOOOO!" Rin giggled.

There were umbrellas, chairs, towels, and other accesories conveniently placed near the beach. Arc was lounging on a chair. Rin sat herself on a beach towel nearby. Arc's eyes were closed, but she could hear Rin. "You know what I love about the chest space? Time moves more slowly in here. An hour in the chest is only one minute in the outside world. Not only that, your body ages more slowly as well. If you stayed in the chest long enough, you could obtain great wisdom, and still look as youthful as I do!"

"Amazing." Rin said. "So, we could spend quite a bit of time here."

"Mm-hmm." Arc then said, "Hey Rin, since you came this far, you probably are curious about me, aren't you? Well, here's a little trivia; you how in the mass media, vampires are often portrayed as sexually domineering? We are sexually attractive, and we can bed whomever want? I started that trend. I'm the original sexy vampire."

Rin raised an eyebrow, "Really?"

Arc chuckled, "Well, haven't you noticed my body right about now? I know how many of the trends started. You wanna know who started the trend of the blood-crazed psychotic murderer vampire?"

"Who?"

Arc's eyes opened, and her voice took a grave tone, "My sister."

[*The Meta body of Raim Hanta communicates with my version of Rachel from Ask Rachel Alucard on a regular basis. Yes, it's as weird and glorious as it sounds.

Author xm's note: And thus concludes my first collaboration effort. The second half of Instant Awesome, Just Add Zelretch was partially written by me, and partially written by Heraklinios, the creator of the Totally Not Ripping Off Logan character named Raim Hanta. He's been wanting to do a collaboration with me for a long time. The next chapter of Endless Number of Possibilities will come soon.]


	8. Interlude: The Toll of Perception

Kohaku's eyes were transfixed on the monitor as it flickered off. Her mouth was left open for a while, then she finally said, "What the hell did I just watchǃ?"

Arcueid smiled, "What my life would be like if Zel hadn't aged, isn't it obviousǃ?"

Kohaku stammered, "But-But, you were in Star Wars! And-And that one anime, and . . . and-"

"-Something bizarre, to be sure." Rin concluded.

Arcueid said, "Why yes." She changed her tone, "But I have some important business to take care of. I'm looking for someone, Aoko Aozaki. Have you seen her around her lately?"

Kohaku thought, "The blue woman? The one Shiki-san respects? I haven't seen her since coming to London. Isn't she supposed to be prestigious?"

Rin answered, "Why yes. She knows the Fifth Sorcery. Not to mention that she's helped out your friend."

Arcueid looked disappointed, "Well, that's okay. I'll keep looking."

Kohaku asked, "Why do you need to see her?"

Arcueid answered, "Oh, Shiki just wants to see her again." She then smiled, "Well, I shouldn't take up anymore of your time." She walked out, "Byeeeee~!"

"Bye, Arc-san!" Kohaku exclaimed. She looked at Rin, "Man, I'm beat. You wanna experiment with this thing some other time?"

"Sure."

* * *

In the top floor of a hotel, a room was occupied by a young man who was sitting in bed, his body covered in bandages. Not just his body, he had white bandages over his eyes too. He could not see, but he preferred it this way. He was not blind, but rather cursed. A door opened. A voice that was music to his ears sung, "I'm baaack~!"

The man mumbled, "Arcueid." He sat up in the bed, "Did you find her?"

Arcueid said, "Who? The blue woman? No, I couldn't find her. But I did bump into an old friend of ours. Remember how the twins went their separate ways after the last incident in your hometown? Well I met Kohaku again!"

The man continued, "Oh yeah, didn't one of Sion's friends recruit her for magic research or something?"

"Uh huh! And she and one of her new friends, what was her name again? She was also Japanese . . . well they let me partake in one of their experiments! It was a lot of fun! But try as I might, I couldn't find any leads. I'll try again tomorrow night."

The man said, "It's important that you do. I don't know anyone else besides Sensei who could possibly save me now."

"I know, Shiki. I know." Sunlight was starting to trickle into the room. "I could try looking during daylight, but you know me; I function best at night. Unless of course," The man felt slender fingers caressing his cheek, "You were to offer me a prana recharge." A dirty chuckle followed.

Shiki, while enjoying the sensation of Arcueid's touch, noted, "My prana, as they call it, is infinitesimally small compared to how much you can store. Would . . . _that_, really help?"

Arcueid answered, "If your body's not up to it, you don't have to force yourself. It's just, you know, good to get my . . . what's that hormone called again?"

"Endorphins."

"Yeah! It's good to get those flowing again!"

Shiki sighed, "Well, if you're going to take a break, you can at least keep me company. We can worry about finding Sensei later."

* * *

A woman was walking down the streets of London. She wore a black long-sleeved blouse, and a long white skirt, but what stood out most was her long red hair. She carried a briefcase in her right hand, and her blue eyes were always scanning for something. She found herself in an apartment complex, and went up to the door of a particular apartment. She knocked. Kohaku answered the door, "Yes?" But then she stepped back, placing her hands over her head, "Agh! Don't kill me, Aoko-san! The goods are beneath the bed!"

"Settle down." Aoko said. "I just came for a visit." She stepped inside.

"Oh." Kohaku took a deep breath, "I was afraid there, for a moment."

Aoko dropped her briefcase on the bed, "Word has it that you invented a device that can play out a scenario. If it weren't for the fact that you created it under the influence of the Tatari, you could market it."

Kohaku made a devious smile, "Oh, I don't need to patent an invention to make money, mm-hmm-hmm-hmm! Akiha-sama takes care of that for me." The tone of her voice indicated deviousness.

Aoko looked at the monitor, "If you don't mind, I'd like to try this thing out."

"Go right ahead!"

Aoko elaborated, "Your friend, the one from Fuyuki, told me about a guy who became a Counter Guardian in the future. He was much stronger, but also much meaner. I got to thinking, what if what's-his-name from the future was in one of those private eye movies that were really big back in the 1940s? He seems like a good fit for the gumshoe archetype."

"Ooooh, that's a good suggestion, Aoko-san! I'd like to see that!" And with that, Kohaku instructed the machine to play out the described scenario. Static flickered for a second, then, an image formed on the screen.


	9. Booze, Babes, and Barettas PT 1

Misaki City, the very definition of a gilded town. This place flourished during the economic boom, bringing in people not just from out of country, but schmoes like me as well. Name's Archer. Shirou Archer. Of course, Archer isn't my birthname. I was an ace in the archery club back in high school, so much so, that the kids called me, "Za Acha", which is how you say the English phrase, "The Archer" in Japanese. When I took up private investigation, I had my name legally changed. It was a youthful indiscretion, sure, but I still kinda like it.

Back to Misaki City. Sure, on the outside, you see a town that's well-maintained, with a record low unemployment rate, even a district with Western mansions inhabited by powerful CEOs. But look beneath the veneer, and you'll uncover vice, sleaze, conspiracies. And I don't mean hentai manga rings; I'm talking about real hardcore shit. Drugs, sex trafficking, blackmail. You name it, it's here.

It was just another day in the office. The only thing out of the ordinary was the local scandal sheet had a front page article in bold print. "**MAKIHISA TOHNO MURDERED!**" the headline read. Tohno was the big cheese of a corporation that dealt with a lot of things, most of them legal as far as I knew. He had a few business rivals, but none I could think of that wanted him killed. I glanced over the article, said he was stabbed repeatedly in the chest with a knife, in his home no less. But since this involved a VIP in the Misaki community, the police would be involved, and I wouldn't have to dirty my hands of such a case.

Or so I thought.

Later that day, a client came. A dame, to be more precise. She was wearing a blouse over a red dress, and her long black hair swayed like daisy flowers in the spring breeze. I recognized her face, since it had been featured before on the magazine racks. She said to me, "You're the famous Shirou Archer, from Fuyuki City, correct?"

I pointed to the door, "It wouldn't have my name if I wasn't here."

She took a seat across my desk. "Then you know who I am, and what I'm here for."

I then said, "Akiha Tohno, lone daughter of Makihisa Tohno. I'm sorry for your loss."

She pouted, "Don't grieve for me. Everyone knows how much I despised him."

Daddy's Little Girl became estranged from her father when she was still in grade school. She took her fortune and bought her own house at seventeen, and hired her own staff of maids, just to be away from him. I smirked, "And everyone thinks you killed him?"

She became flustered, "Don't get me wrong, I hated his guts. The way he kept me under his thumb, always berated me, never complimented me . . . but you gotta understand! I would never kill him! I would never do something like that to him! Living by my own was all I needed! What use would I have killing himǃ?"

I tilted my head, "Maybe you just needed the rest of your inheritance this quickly?"

She slammed her fist on the desk, "THAT'S NOT TRUE!"

I waved my hands up, "Easy, easy kid! That was a joke!" I then changed my tone, "But that is what everyone's thinking, right? You hate your dad, and you need his cash, so you off him. Any evidence suggesting you did it?"

She was still bitter, "Of course not! I wouldn't kill him! And that's where you come in, find the real killer! Clear my name!"

I then said, "Why me? The cops are already looking into it. What, you don't trust them?" And personally, I wouldn't blame her.

She sighed, "I need all the help I can get. Is that reason enough?"

I grinned, "Of course. Especially from someone as loaded as you."

"Was that another joke?"

I answered, "Maybe, maybe not." And so it began, trying to find who killed Makihisa Tohno. The first place I decided to look was the scene of the crime itself, for it's said that crooks always return to the scene of the crime. If I was lucky, maybe the criminal would've returned when I got there, and I could end this lickity-split. Of course, when I got there, there were cops surrounding the place, everything closed off from yellow police tape. Still, it couldn't hurt to ask whoever was in charge of this investigation.

And then I saw one of the few cops I trusted in this town. She was a foreigner, and the only broad I knew who was gutsy enough to do this line of work. She was in a detective uniform, and yet, somehow, her sculpted legs, large rack, and impossibly tight ass showed through. If it weren't for her boyish haircut, I'd find her to be a genuine looker. "Detective Ciel, working hard, or hardly working?" I greeted.

She turned around, "What brings you here, Archer?"

Right to the point. "My newest client wants me to look into this case."

She frowned, "This area is currently off-limits to civilians. If you need a police report, wait until we've-"

"-My client is Akiha Tohno."

Her eyes widened slightly, "Oh. I was gonna say, it's not like you to get involved."

I added, "I don't need to actually go in there, just show me some pictures, tell me what you know so far, the usual."

We've been through this more than once, anytime I'm investigating a criminal case, she usually will help out. She opened up a briefcase and showed me some pictures of the dead body from various angles. "He was stabbed twenty-four times, all in the front of the torso. His body was discovered by one of the maids. There have been no signs of forced entry into the mansion, and-"

"-What the hell are _you_ doing here?" A disgruntled voice said.

I looked and saw him, Captain Kotomine Kirei, or as I like to call him, Captain Hardass. I gestured my arms to the side, "Doing business, what else?"

Ciel told him, "The victim's daughter has asked him to look into this."

Kotomine raised an eyebrow, "Oh really? It's bad enough I got the media all over my ass on such a high-profile case; the last thing I need is a booze hound from Fuyuki snoopin' around on my watch."

Having dealt with Captain Hardass in the past, I knew the best way to approach him was to be as non-confrontational as possible. I said to him, "Well, if you need the privacy, I could always look elsewhere, let you and your men" I glanced at Ciel, "and Ciel to try to uncover any clues in my absence. I believe public servants such as yourself shouldn't have to worry about floozies like me butting in at an in-opportune moment. Now then, I'll just take my leave."

I started to walk away, when Kotomine said, "Archer, do me one more favor. Make sure Akiha is safe, alright?"

"No problem." I wasn't there for long, but what Ciel told me was already good information. Twenty-four times to the chest; whoever killed Makihisa wanted to make sure he was dead. However, since there was no forced entry, that doesn't look too good for Akiha either.

It was getting late, and I saved up enough money to spend another evening at the Tiger Dojo. It wasn't a real training dojo, it was just a catchy name given to a fancy nightclub. I prefer to stay away from gin and tonic joints, since they're usually ran and frequented by gangsters, hooligans, harlots, and other scumbags. Sure, there's nothing stopping them from coming to the upper class joints either, but at least at places like the Tiger Dojo, you had music, atmosphere, people who actually knew how to dress. Of course, I stood out in the Tiger Dojo; all the men were in tuxedos, whereas I was in my beige suit with matching fedora. I sat myself at the bar and ordered a White Russian. A live jazz band was playing music, and people conversing about every subject under the sun. It was then that an old friend seated himself next to me, "Already downing the good stuff, Shirou?"

To my right was Sougen Jinan, an older gentleman, doctor, and family man; one of the few good souls in Misaki, easily recognized by his white tux and nice mustache. I said to him, "Oh yeah. Got a new case, and not my usual 'track down an adulterer' case either."

Sougen twirled his mustache, "Yeah, but don't look so down! We got music tonight!"

And just like that, the MC announced on the microphone, "And now, ladies and gentlemen, the moment you've all been waiting for! The Gorgon of Greece herself, give it up for the one and only Medusa!"

All the single men in the house gave out wolf calls as the most famous live singer of the Tiger Dojo appeared on stage. Medusa was her stage name, for looking at her would turn you into stone. Indeed, her appearance would almost make you think she walked right out of a hentai manga; long legs, hourglass figure, tall for a broad, really long unbound lilac hair, and wearing a black dress with black high heels, and a pearl necklace on top of it. She sang a sultry siren song with the jazz band, driving all the men in the house mad with lust. Sougen said to me, "You think she's a hot number?"

I shrugged, "I guess she has nice hair, but she's not really my type." I wasn't kidding; I was more fond of shorter women.

Sougen said, "I think I know what your problem is, you just need a woman's touch to melt your sorrows away. My daughter's single."

I said, "Who? Tokie? She's not my type, either."

Sougen responded, "Shirou, Shirou, you're not going to get a woman with an attitude like that. Here, I'll help you out."

He walked away from the bar while I continued dulling my senses with alcohol. Some time after the live performance, the Gorgon herself sat next to me. I had to admit, up close, you could see just how pretty her face was, but _man_, were her eyes freaky-lookin'. She said in her deep womanly voice, "Are you alone?"

I answered, "Possibly."

Sougen entered, "No he's not. I told you, he's with me, but make him feel like he's on a date nonetheless!"

She asked me, "So, did you enjoy my song-and-dance number?"

I said, "Not particularly."

She countered, "But jazz is where it's at, sweetheart!"

I replied, "Yeah? Well some like it hot. I prefer classical Asian music, myself."

She leaned in closer to me, "Did you even watch me at all?"

"No."

"Are you . . ." She lowered her voice, "Are you a fairy?"

My eyes widened, "No. I just prefer not to see women as pieces of meat whenever I can help it. Can't say the same for your fanbase, however."

She suddenly stood up, "Oh, you're impossible!" She stormed back into her dressing room, "Keep drowning in your sorrows for all I care!"

Sougen sighed, "See? This is what I mean. You shouldn't be so critical to women, especially not women like her."

I murmured, "I know all about being nice to a lady. I'm not a little kid, Sougen."

Sougen became heavier in tone, "Then show it. Prove to me that you're not just another deadbeat private eye."

I mumbled, "Maybe some other time." I got up, "I think I'll head home now. Taxis still run this late." I left my money on the tab and walked out.

"You gotta fix that attitude, Shirou." Sougen called out.

The moment I set foot outside of the Tiger Dojo, something very hard struck the back of my head. I blacked out.

* * *

I can taste blood in my mouth. Not a good sign. _Never_ a good sign. And . . . my hands are tied behind my back. I'm in a chair, and my feet are tied with rope as well. Oh please, I hope this isn't someone's idea of foreplay, because I am _not_ in the mood for consenting right now.

"Oh look! The Archer has awakened!" A voice boomed. It belonged to the leader of a gang called The Servants of Gilgamesh, and their leader? Calls himself Gilgamesh. Loves to wear a black tux and dye his hair yellow. At least I don't have the hubris to name myself after a Sumerian god-king. I knew I was in the custody of Gilgamesh, for the room I was in had walls filled with one of every firearm imaginable, from flintlocks, to Gatling guns, to scattershot guns, to bazookas, and everything in-between, all encased in glass like it was a museum. That reminds me, I carry a Baretta semi-automatic with me at all times. Too bad I couldn't reach for it. He walked up to me, with a sadistic grin on his face, "Word on the street is you're investigating the murder of Makihisa Tohno. It's not in the rules for private eyes to be investigating criminal cases."

I looked up at my captor, "Usually I don't, but I thought I would make an exception."

"MONGREL!" He slapped me hard across the face. _Damn_, my cheekbone's going to ache! "Let the men in uniforms take care of it. It's their job, not yours."

I grinned, "Really? A bootlegger and arms smuggler telling me to obey the law?"

He then made a fist and struck me in the solar plexus. If I weren't already sitting down, I would've crumbled from that, "Stay out of this case! Let everything take its course! It'll be a win-win for everyone, yourself included."

Good thing I was half-drunk before coming here, otherwise, I wouldn't have been able to ask, "Why's that?"

He then picked up the chair, with me included, and threw me against the wall. "I DON'T HAVE TO TELL YOU _SHIT!_" Note to self: don't ever pick a fist fight with this guy. It's clear why he's revered in the criminal underground. I felt my ropes being cut off. I saw Gilgamesh produced a knife and cut me free. "Get up." He ordered. I stood up as best I could. I saw a way out; there were several goons standing near the stairway that led out of here. With the tip of the knife pointed at my throat, he said, "Promise me you'll drop the case of Makihisa Tohno."

I answered, "I can't turn against a client in-"

"-IT'S A YES OR NO QUESTION, SHITHEAD! JUST YES OR NO!" He shouted.

I just about had it with this prick's temper. I reached for my Baretta. The moment I did that, _all_ of the goons in the back produced either a Tommy gun, or a Browning Automatic. Gilgamesh was holding a pearl-handled revolver in the other hand. He stated, "Is that your answer? Risk getting turned into a leaky piece of meat just to help out some brat I could care less about? This gives me an idea. First, drop your piece on the floor."

Seeing as how I was outgunned, I dropped my pistol. One of his goons took it. "We'll let you leave here, alive even, and able to continue helping out the girl, but you have to complete a challenge first." He craned his neck toward the stairs, "ILYA! BRING OUT THE BERSERKER!"

In a few seconds, a little girl came down. She was holding a leash attached to a very big man . . . who was wearing only a loincloth. His hair was long and dirty, and he had to have weighed at least a-hundred-and-fifty kilos in pure muscle. First of all, why is a little doll serving Gilgamesh? Second of all, _I do not want to fight the big guy._ The girl said with a gleeful smile, "What do you want, master?"

"We'll be heading back upstairs playing cards and shooting craps. You let the big man on campus get in a fistfight with Mister Archer here." He looked at me, "If you can successfully knock him down, you can leave. I warn you though, he only fights to the death." He then left upstairs with the other goons, "So long, worm!"

The little girl laughed, "This is going to be so much fun!" She released the leash tied to the so-called "Berserker." She pointer her finger at me, "Get 'em, boy!"

The large man roared like a jungle beast, and leaped toward me. He was so bulky, a hit from me probably wouldn't even register in his brain. He pounded the ground where I was just a second ago, leaving a noticeable crack. He swiped his arm around, and I again narrowly avoided him. Damn it, he's fast!

Wait . . . the guns on the wall. They're probably not loaded but, ah ha! One of them is a rifle with a bayonet. With that in hand, I might stand a chance! I positioned myself right in front of the rifle. The big galoot launched his fist at me. He broke the glass containing the rifle. Shards of glass were embedded in his knuckles, but that didn't slow him down. Running as fast as I could, I picked up the rifle and gained some distance from him. I remember back in high school, the kids from the American football club said the easiest way to knock down a guy was to go for the legs. You tackle a guy in the gams, he goes straight down. Hopefully, that logic would apply here as well. Right as the big guy was about to throw another punch, I lunged forward and stabbed him in the side of his right calf. The "Berserker" cried out in pain.

"That's not fair!" The little girl complained, her hands balled up in fists.

Of course, that wasn't enough to knock him down. He was bleeding, but he kept coming after me, even though he had to limp his way to me. I didn't want to kill him, because I would prefer not to have to explain to the courtroom that my killing of a little girl's pet wrestler that belonged to a street gang was justifiable homicide; somehow, I don't think the jury would've taken my side. So instead, when he came up to slam his fists on the ground where I was, I stepped out of the way and poked him in the side of the torso, where no vital organs probably were. He roared again.

"Stop! That's enough!" The girl shouted. The big man stopped coming after me, almost as if he were never trying to kill me to begin with. The doll ran up to him. She got out some bandages and tried her best to cover up his wounds. "You're mean!" She said to me as she was patching him up.

I dropped the rifle. The bayonet was stained red, and I reached for my handkerchief and wiped off whatever blood got on my suit. I turned to the doll, "Listen kid, you shouldn't be affiliating yourself with these degenerate lowlifes. This is a path that will most likely lead you to an early grave. You'll end up isolated from the ones you love, and you'll live in constant paranoia. I don't know why you're running with Gilgamesh, if he forced you to . . . did he?"

She looked down, "No. I joined because I wanted to."

I then added, "Well get out as soon as you can. The sooner, the better. Your friend, too . . . if you can keep him pacified." I then made my way up the stairs. Where I was at now was a speakeasy. Alcohol is legal in Misaki, but gambling and designer drugs were not. There were numerous tables for various games, all rigged in favor of the house. Not only that, a drink Gilgamesh branded as "Prana" was sold and consumed here, a drug deemed too dangerous by the state to be manufactured and marketed. All the goons looked shocked at seeing me. Sure, I was sore as Hell, but I was still walking. Gilgamesh looked equally shocked, "Hey Gilgamesh, I'd like to have my iron back."

Gilgamesh was at a loss for words, "What the . . . how . . . how did you . . . _how the hell are you still aliveǃ?_"

I answered, "Doesn't matter. I just want my sidearm back, is that too much to ask?"

Gilgamesh looked at one of his men, "Give him his piece back." The goon handed me by gun. I holstered it, knowing that pointing it here would be a fatal mistake. Gilgamesh looked at me, "You may go, but never show your face here again, got that?"

I wanted to make a snide remark about him being sour because his boytoy Enkidu was still dead, but I was pushing it enough as it was. "Fair enough." I stepped outside and hailed a taxi. I made my way back to my apartment. I collapsed on my bed.

[Author's Note: Will Archer solve the case of the Murdered Millionaire? What other Type-Moon characters will be featured in this fanfiction? And what other examples of noir fiction will I reference next time? Stayed tuned for the thrilling finale of Booze, Babes, and Barettas! Coming soon to a nickelodeon near you!]


	10. Booze, Babes, and Barettas PT 2

It was the next morning. Luckily, I wasn't hung over. I had gotten good at knowing when to stop drinking whenever I went to the Tiger Dojo. I was still shaken up from last night, though. My pantries were close to empty, and I needed a jolt to get the morning started. I got my clothes on and I headed down to the local cafe. I ordered a cup of joe and sat myself. As soon as I took my first sip, a young pup seated himself in front of me. "Good to meet you, Shirou Archer!" He extended his hand for a shake, "I'm Shinji Matou, for the Misaki Picayune!" Oh great, a paparazzo. Just what I needed.

"No need for the formalities." I said with my arms crossed.

"That's fine. I just need to ask a few questions, it won't take up much of your time." He whipped out a notepad and a pencil, "First off, just off the record, what happened to you?" Oh, he must've noticed the bruise on my face.

I lied, "Some jackasses tried to scare me into giving my wallet to them last night. I gave them the what's-what, but not without a scratch."

"I see." Shinji looked more adult, "Now then, on the record, your current client is the daughter of the recently slain Makihisa Tohno. Tell me, what was she wearing when she met you?" Seriously kid, you came to me, uninvited, just to ask _that?_

I gave him a piece of my mind, "Who cares about a stupid dress? It's just an article of clothing."

He was writing really quickly in his notepad, "Maybe, but the people want to know, what did she look like? What kind of makeup did she have on? Was she in high heels?" Dear sweet Kami-sama, is this was the press has been reduced to?

I could've answered him by saying she was wearing a red dress, no high heels, and I think she may've been sporting mascara, but I wasn't sure about that last one, nor did I care. I asked a question of my own, "Shouldn't you be asking something important, like did she tell me anything important about the case, did she come into my office with a gun and forced me to help her out, anything like that?"

He said, "Uh, my orders were only to get info on her personal life; someone else was handling the article about what you're asking." He sighed, "Look, I know it's frivolous, but I have a job to do, and personally, I wanna know the answers, too."

I then looked him straight in the eye, "Let's get something straight; I stick my neck out for no one, except for me, and my clientele. You are no exception to that rule, and neither are your higher-ups. If you need something to print that badly, just make up something. It's not like anyone bothers to fact check."

He looked uneasy, "But, I can't do that! I have journalistic standards to uphold!"

I then said, "Well if you're so concerned about standards, tell your superiors to investigate something other than the personal lives of people who happen to be rich and gorgeous." I stood up and walked out, "Good day, sir."

Out on the streets, I had to decide on a course of action. Where should I go next? All of a sudden, a paperboy, probably one of that kid's buds in the business, came out with freshly printed papers shouting, "Extra! Extra! An arrest has been made in the case of the murdered millionaire!"

_Whatǃ?_ A crowd gathered around, picking up the paper. Once the crowd faded, I picked up an extra for myself. It said that Akiha's step-brother, Shiki Tohno, was arrested for pre-meditated murder to the first degree. At least now I knew what my first thing to do today was; get a hold of Akiha. I made a beeline for my office, and dialed her number. A voice on the other line greeted, "Akiha Tohno residence, may I help you?"

"Get me a hold of Akiha immediately!"

The voice, a young woman's, asked, "May I ask who this is?"

"Shirou Archer."

"Just a moment."

Several seconds passed. Then her voice came through, "Hello, Shirou. I take it you just found out?"

"Yeah. You think your step-brother was responsible?"

She exclaimed, "Of course not! My brother actually got along with my dad! He still lives, lived, with him!"

"Does he have an alibi?"

She passed for a few seconds. "He wasn't in the mansion when Dad's body was found, but, you know what the article said, right?"

"Uh huh." The article reported that Shiki was trained in martial arts in knife fighting. This, combined with the fact that there was no forced entry, doesn't look too good for him. "Can you think of any reason he would want to kill him?"

"No! My brother saw my dad as an angel!"

I then thought out loud, "You think I could talk to him, even though he's in custody?"

She said, "I don't know if the police would allow that."

I smiled to myself, "Oh, I think I could persuade them."

"R-Reallyǃ? You're not giving upǃ?"

I answered, "Of course not! We made a deal, remember?"

"Thank you, oh thank you!"

I hung up shortly afterward. Shiki Tohno was far less famous than Akiha. He didn't have her looks, and he wasn't even a Tohno originally. His birthname was Shiki Nanaya. He was to be the heir of the Nanaya mob family, but nearly every Nanaya was massacred by a rival gang known as the Kishima Clan several years ago. Makihisa was said to have found Shiki living out on the streets, took pity on the child, and adopted him. He raised him as his own son, since his wife had passed away, although the beginning of Akiha's loathing for Makihisa most likely started after Shiki Nanaya became Shiki Tohno. I kept this in mind when I arrived at Misaki Penitentiary, home of the troublemakers of the city, or those unfortunate enough to get caught, anyway. Shiki's trial wasn't for another two weeks, so I had time to speak with him. Of course, I had to offer the guard a thousand yen note to do that, and even then, I was only guaranteed two minutes, but I should be able to get something useful in the timeframe. I was directed to the visitor center, and to a seat, facing a person separated by plexiglass. I picked up the telephone and waited for Mr. Tohno to appear. He was eventually escorted, in an orange prison jumpsuit. He picked up his end of the line, "Hello, Mr. Archer?"

"Yeah, that's me."

"Heh! My sister told me about you!" Why would he be smiling at a time like this? Then again, his glasses do give him a sort of innocence. "I'll help you out however I can."

I first questioned, "Do you know how to fight with a knife?"

He said, "Yes. I have trained in martial arts techniques with a knife, but that's no reason to believe I did it!"

I reassured, "I know that. Tell me, as a knife expert, if you wanted to kill someone, would you do it by stabbing them a bunch of times in the chest?"

He answered, "No way! If you wanted to quickly kill someone, you would cut open their jugular." There's a visual I didn't need. "Whoever killed my stepdad either was an amateur, really desperate . . . or a psychopath."

Funny; he acknowledges Makihisa as his stepdad, but his stepsister as just plain sister?

I then asked, "Who was the last person to see Makihisa alive?"

He pondered, "I had already left in the evening to be with my friends. He may've had a visitor over, but I'm not sure. Regardless, the last person was probably his head maid, Hisui."

"Alright! Times up!" The guard hollered. I barely started talking with Shiki, but getting cross with a prison guard is a dumber idea than driving on the sidewalk. I went back to the office, trying to think of my next plan. Speaking with whoever Hisui was should be my next move, but something just doesn't add up. Captain Hardass told me to drop the case; fair enough, seeing as how I'm not licensed to get involved in such affairs, but Gilgamesh said the same exact thing. What's his reason? He's not some double agent for the police, is he? Suddenly, the phone rang, "Hello. Office of Shirou Archer, no case too small."

The voice on the line said, "Is this Archer?"

"Speaking."

"This is Kiritsugu Emiya. I wanted to thank you for saving my daughter. She ran away from us a few weeks ago, we had no idea where she went until this morning. She was in tears, apologizing for joining a gang of hooligans." Wait, daughter? I was speaking with the dad of that girl with the doll-like red eyes, who had that "Berserker" who almost didn't seem human?

"Well, it was nothing." Was all I could say.

He continued, "My wife and I just wanted to thank you from the bottom of our hearts. You see, she got tired of school as well as obeying the rules we established, so she spent more time out of the house. She made friends with a man from a traveling carnival, but those men found her. They made a deal that if she broke him out, and she and the big guy worked for them, she would get lots of money, and also get to do something more exciting than school. Bastards tricked her, didn't use force. She agreed, not knowing any better at the time. Now, she's still making up, though I think she was right to save that carnival man. Also, Ilya wanted to talk to you." Ilya? Doesn't sound Japanese, even though Kiritsugu Emiya does. Misaki must be a nightmare for xenophobes. I heard him say distantly, "Here you go, honey."

"Hi, Mister Archer!" Yeah, it was her voice, alright. "I snuck out this morning when no one was looking! I hope you don't have any hard feelings for my friend. You see, Gilgamesh made him drink his 'Prana' juice before fighting, that's why he was so violent. But since you helped me, I wanna help you out. I don't know if this is a part of your case, but Gilgamesh gives off a portion of his money to someone every now and then. I don't know who, since he wouldn't tell me, but I thought it would help out, since he seemed to have something against you."

I asked, "Why are you telling me all of this?"

"Like I said, you helped me! And I want you to get back at Gilgamesh however you can! I'm sorry, but that's all I can tell you. He kept me in the dark on a lot of things."

I said, "Well, thanks anyway."

"No problem! Bye, Mister Archer!" The line hung up.

So, Gilgamesh is offering a cut of his money to someone? Sounds like a bribe . . . or maybe he's paying off his old folks' mortgage, who could say? As rewarding as taking down a crime lord would be, I had a higher priority. Leaving the office, I hailed a taxi and headed for Makihisa's residence. Here is where Misaki's gilded outside really shone. All the homes in this district were gated communities, and in those gated communities were Western-style mansions, some of them multi-storied. Most people in the town could never afford to live here, and yet, here where these big beautiful mansions, away from the sleaze of the city, save for the mansion I was going to. After stepping out, I went up to the entrance. The gate was closed, but a voicebox was nearby. I buzzed it and said, "Shirou Archer, private eye. I'm working for Akiha Tohno. Is there a Miss Hisui on the premises?"

A feminine voice sounded, "Yes. Please wait a moment." In a few seconds, a girl in a maid costume stepped out. She didn't quite have Akiha's glamour, but she sported the cutest short red hair. She opened the gate, "Sorry for making you wait."

"Not at all."

She made a curtsy, "Please come in." A curtsy? I wasn't aware that I had become European royalty. I followed her in. The inside of the mansion was so beautifully furnished, it was almost unreal; surreal in its loveliness, in fact. I was led to the "lounge" room, as Hisui called it, and took a seat on the chair that's probably worth more than I ever will be. She sat across from me, "What is it that you would like to ask?"

I started with, "Who was the last person to see Makihisa alive?"

She looked apprehensive, "Me."

I then asked, "Were there any people coming over shortly before he was murdered?"

She became more nervous, "There were two. One of them was his old friend, Tonami Kugamine. They were catching up on old times. The other of which was Captain Kotomine Kirei."

Captain Hardass? I knew he had the law on his side, but I had to ask, "What was the police captain doing here?"

Hisui became more startled, "One of . . . One of Makihisa's truck drivers saw gangsters doing something illegal. He . . . he wanted to speak to the police captain about it."

"What illegal activity did the truck driver see?"

She paused, not answering me.

"I need to kno-"

"-I CAN'T!" She covered her eyes, choking back tears, "I can't tell you!"

"But, why not?" I just realized, "Did the killer threaten you if you told anyone everything?"

She nodded her head.

"Listen, I can protect you. I can keep you safe for now. I have a friend in the force who can get you into a witness protection program if you'd like."

She continued crying, "No. I can't endanger you too. And I can't endanger the mistress."

I then put my hand on her shoulder, "Hey, I'll be fine." I then threw open my coat, showing my Baretta, "If anyone comes after you, I'll put a bullet between their eyes. I figure I can make you a secondary client of sorts, since you already work for Akiha, so what do you say? I'll protect you, if you tell me what's really going on."

She sniffled, and grinned, "Thank you, Shirou. Akiha was right in hiring you." She then told me everything, and it finally made sense.

I decided to stay for the night in that mansion. Hisui offered, and I gladly accepted. I wasn't imposing, she said. Before it got too late, I placed an important phone call. "Hello?"

"Hello, Ciel. This is Shirou. You got free time, tomorrow?"

Ciel, sounding slightly groggy, said, "Yeah, I got tomorrow off. You been spying my schedule again?"

"No, no, nothing like that! Just a hunch!" I hope she doesn't see through that. "Listen, there's something important I need you to do. Meet me at the park at eleven."

* * *

The next day, Hisui and I made our way to one of the parks in Misaki. Ciel was waiting, wearing a black suit with black miniskirt, and flat shoes to chase crooks in, as opposed to six inch stilettos. Not much different from her uniform; always so serious. She stood up, "Who's this?"

I said, "This is Hisui. She works for the Tohno family. She's an important person. I need you to do two things. One, get her into a witness protection program. And two," I went up and whispered something into her ear.

"_Whatǃ?_"

"Do those two things for me immediately."

She was flustered, "But, if you're wrong about this, it'll be all of our asses in the fire!"

I smirked, "I wouldn't be telling you this if I weren't one-hundred percent certain. Now, take Hisui into protection." I started to walk away.

"Wait." Ciel stopped me, "What will you do?"

I answered, "I'm gonna pay an old friend of mine a visit."

* * *

Misaki Police Department. Here is where the men (and Ciel) in blue protect and serve. I walked in, past the welcoming desk. "Wait, where are you going, sirǃ?"

I made my way up to the robbery/homicide offices, where numerous cops were staring at me like I wasn't supposed to be there. And just as I suspected, Captain Kotomine Kirei was stare, "You, Shirou, what are you doing here?"

Trying to sound nonchalant, I replied, "Oh, I just wanted to talk."

Captain Hardass started living up to his nickname, "Just wanted to talkǃ? If you don't leave right now, I will have you arrested for obstruction of justice!"

I said, "On the contrary, my being here is the exact opposite of that, for I know who killed Makihisa Tohno."

The cops became stunned. Kotomine said, "Oh? Then tell us, Good Samaritan Shirou. Tell us what you think."

I started, "First of all, it was not Akiha Tohno. Yes, she hated her father, but she would not gain anything from killing him. Also, she was at her house during the murder. Unlike her step-brother, her alibi was too airtight, hence why she was not arrested. _However!_ Shiki Tohno is not the killer, either! I spoke with him yesterday. Yes, it is true he knows how to fight with a knife, but a trained knife-user like him would not have killed the victim the way he was killed." I gestured like I was slitting my throat, "If he really were to kill him, he would've simply cut open the jugular, not stab him multiple times in the chest. The real killer was not trained in knife-wielding, or wanted to send a message, I'm still not sure about that one. But the key witness, Miss Hisui, was intimidated by the killer, warned that she would've met Makihisa's fate if she told anyone the truth. It was only yesterday that I kept her in protective custody, thus ensuring that she tell me the truth. Now then, one of the most notorious crime syndicates in town is The Servants of Gilgamesh. They are wanted for making and selling an illegal drug, operating a casino, smuggling weapons, and who knows what else. Their operations are pretty goddamn blatant to say the least; blatant enough for one Arihiko Inui to notice. Mister Inui is a truck driver on Makihisa's payroll, and one day, he saw a member of The Servants of Gilgamesh handing an envelope to a man passing by. The man taking that envelope was none other than Kotomine Kirei."

"This is outrageous!" Captain Hardass shouted, "I would not do such a thing!"

I corrected, "Wrong you are, good Captain. Makihisa invited you over to his mansion. At first, you believed he invited you because there was something he was concerned about that he wanted you personally to look into, since he had you do that in the past. Instead, he took a confrontational tone with you. He warned you to stop taking the bribes immediately, otherwise, he would do everything in his power to gather evidence of your corruption and bring you down. Shocked by the revelation of your crimes, you sought to kill him right then and there. You didn't want the noise of your gun to draw attention, so you grabbed a kitchen knife and stabbed him repeatedly until he died from loss of blood. Hisui was managing chores elsewhere, so you dropped the knife, cleaned up as best you did, and walked out casually, telling her that you had to be somewhere. She then discovered the body, but, shortly after the investigation started, I believe I was there shortly before or after when this happened, you came to Hisui, and threatened her not to tell anyone the truth, because if she did, you would either kill her, or, given your power, have her imprisoned on trumped up charges."

The cops were stunned. Kotomine was stunned. Then, he pointed his finger at me, "I knew you always hated me, Shirou, but I never thought you would go this-"

"-Captain Kotomine Kirei," Ciel broke in, holding a piece of paper, "I have a warrant for your arrest!"

At that precise moment, Kotomine reached for his regulation pistol. Seeing this reflex, I ran up to him. The gun was pointed at me as I got a hold of wrist. A shot rang out, as the other people gave out a gasp. Kotomine wouldn't let go of his gun, for he was trying to aim it at Ciel. Using the weight of my body, I pushed him against wall. This caused him grip to give way. I threw away his gun and reached for my Baretta, aiming right for his face. "Don't move a muscle." My voice had an icy tone to it.

Ciel slowly edged up to Kotomine, with a gun of her own drawn. She eventually took out some handcuffs and apprehended the captain. Kotomine said nothing as he was being taken to the holding cell, but his eyes showed enough vitriol to suffocate a blue whale.

I let out a sigh. As I left the station, Ciel was waiting, "That was a brave thing you did, Shirou. Ever thought about becoming a cop? I'll give you a recommendation."

I looked at her, "Thanks for the offer, but I'd rather monitor people leading double lives than picking up thugs on the street."

* * *

With Captain Hardass no longer taking bribes, the police performed a raid on the Servants of Gilgamesh. Most of his servants are now either dead or rotting behind bars. Gilgamesh was said to have been bawling like a baby when he was being taken to the station.

Akiha was relieved beyond words when Shiki was released. She paid me good, and even promised to throw me a dinner party at my place of choosing in her honor. I said the Tiger Dojo. She agreed. Instead of sitting by the bar, I was seated front row center on one of the dining tables. I had invited Sougen and Ciel there, and Akiha, Shiki, and Hisui were all there, too. We all drank and laughed to our hearts' content. The Gorgon of Greece then appeared, and performed another song, this one I thought sounded better than the last time I saw her perform. Being so close to the stage, I could notice that she was quite talented at choreography.

Akiha, Shiki, and Hisui had to leave, which left me with Ciel and Sougen. Sougen, still trying to play matchmaker, invited Medusa to join us again. She sat next to me, "So, how was I? I know this isn't your kind of music, but tell me."

I said, "You were off-key at moments, but you sounded better than the last time I saw you. Your dancing was good."

She murmured, "I guess coming from you, that must mean you're in a better mood, tonight?"

"Possibly."

Ciel then said, "I'm still curious about something, Shirou. You're obviously quite talented, and you've seen with your own eyes what this city is really like. So why would you move here? Why would you leave your hometown like you did?"

I don't know why, but I felt compelled to answering her. Well, I did this much for everyone, so why the hell not? "When I was in high school, I joined the archery club. I enjoyed it, and I even went so far as to change my family name to reflect it, but . . . I really only joined the club for one reason. The captain of that club, her name was Ayako Mitsuzuri. She had the most beautiful brown eyes I had ever seen. I was madly in love with her. I only entered the club so that I could get close to her. Even on days that my practice was terrible, it was still worth it, just to steal a glance at her. I wanted to ask her out, I spent weeks just trying to think of what to say to her. I finally decided to do it at the end of a school week. Fours days before that, on a Tuesday, I saw her . . . locking lips with another boy. She had met this guy on another campus, and they were inseparable. I kept going to the archery club instead of dropping out, so no one would suspect that I was affected by this. Time passed, we all graduated, and she and her lover decided to get married. I should be happy for her, I really should; but, I . . . I . . . I couldn't stand the thought of Ayako, _my_ dream girl, being in the arms of another man. The thought was killing me. I then decided it would be in everyone's best interest that they never knew how I felt about her. Once I became a certified private detective, I moved here, to Misaki, just to get away from her. I fear what would've happened if I had stayed there . . . . Heh heh heh!"

"What's so funny?" Sougen asked.

"You're the first people I've told since I came to Misaki the truth about why I moved here. I don't know why, but, I feel I can trust you all enough to tell you, or maybe the gin's talking again, I don't know."

Sougen sounded remorseful, "Shirou, I . . . I had no idea. I'm truly sorry."

I said, "Don't feel sorry. You had no fault in this." I then noticed that most of the musicians had left, but the pianist was still playing. I asked Medusa, "Say, that piano man, does he take requests?"

She answered, "Who, Enjou Tomoe? Yeah, if he knows the piece, and you got the cash."

I got up and approached him, "Hey, piano man, you know the classics?"

Enjou looked at me, "I know _of_ some classics. Try me."

I decided to go out of my comfort zone; instead of requesting a piano rendition of some old Eastern folk song, I decided to go a little more contemporary. I took out a yen coin and flicked it at him, "Play Sakuraba for me."

"You got it, mister!" Enjou started playing a bittersweet melody. As he struck the keys and filled the halls with music, I started thinking about Ayako. Those eyes that I could stare into for a million years . . . that boisterous laugh of hers, her refusal to conform to female expectations . . . just as the piece ended, I remembered the last time I saw her; she was radiating with happiness . . . if only she could share that radiance with me.

A hand touched my shoulder, "Something wrong?"

I looked behind and saw Sougen, "It's been a while since I heard music like that."

Ciel approached me also, "It's getting late. We should be leaving. I'm exhausted."

Medusa added, "Same here. I'll be in my dressing room. Nice seeing you again, Ciel, gentlemen, Enjou." She walked backstage.

Sougen, Ciel, and I walked out and waited for a taxi. The night was young, and I needed to rest my turbulent mind.


	11. Interlude: From Kohaku to Rin

The monitor flickered off. Aoko smirked, "That was . . . interesting, You sure you don't wanna market this, Kohaku?"

Kohaku said, "If I show this to anyone and expose the secrets of the Tatari, I'm pretty sure someone would silence me for it. I don't want to die just yet, so I'm using it only for those I trust most. By the way, yesterday, Arcueid was looking for you."

Aoko said, "Is that so? She's in London right now?"

"Uh huh. She and Shiki wanted to speak to you about something, I don't know what, though."

Aoko had an idea of what that subject was. She asked Kohaku, "Do you know where they're at?"

"Nope. Probably don't want anyone following their tracks. You're free to look for them, though."

Aoko concluded, "Thanks. I'd like to play with your toy some more, but I think whatever they what is more important right now." She turned around, "See ya." and left.

Later that day, Rin came in. "Afternoon, Kohaku. Do you even have a family name?"

Kohaku blurted out, "Ah, Rin! Perfect! I need someone to watch the machine for me! I have some errands to run, so, will you do that for me?"

Rin grinned, "What an odd coincidence, I wanted to use the machine again, preferably alone."

Kohaku made another devilish smile, "Alone, you say? Well say no mor-"

"-IT'S NOT LIKE THAT!" Rin countered. "It's . . . I want to test something personal."

Kohaku said, "Well, whatever you do without me is your own business. I don't know if I'll even be back later today." Kohaku packed her things, said goodbye, and left.

Rin breathed a sigh. She approached the machine, "There's something I need to know. What if . . . what if Shirou had died back during the last battle? And also, what if my sister gave in to her darkness? Wait . . . I should spice it up. Show me those things, but add a colorful narrator as well. That should make it a little easier to digest. Will you do that?"

The machine displayed an image.


	12. Grief is the Fuel of Vengeance p 1

Life had been one ordeal after another for the surviving members of the Tohsaka family. The Fifth Holy Grail War had taken the lives of most of the people close to them. While the war ended in their victory, Rin and Sakura Tohsaka carry scars that will last the entirety of their lifetimes. All was not lost however. Sakura's Servant, Rider, known as Medusa in ancient times, had survived, and thanks to Sakura's near-limitless prana, Rider can protect her forever. Because of her connection to Fujiwara Taiga, she had persuaded the English teacher to let her live in the mansion once inhabited by the now-deceased Shirou Emiya. Emiya was Sakura's one true love; a young man who had given his life to not only save the world, but also save Sakura from the poisonous influence of Zouken Matou . . . the less said about his injustices, the better. (If you don't already know, he, uh . . . just look up a wiki if you don't know.)

Months passed on as Sakura adjusted to life free of torture and pain. Whenever she wasn't at school, she spent her time fixing up the last visible remnant of her lover's legacy (namely, his house), as well as spiritually healing herself however she could. Rider spent her time studying books, hoping to learn more of the world she currently lived in. Rin continued going to high school, and later the Mage's Association in London, maintaining the facade she had put up before the war. She and Sakura were unable to tell anyone the truth about their magic, their pasts, their trials and tribulations. Everyone was for the better, still, for Fuyuki City was no longer in danger.

But something kept coming back to Rin's mind since the last day of it all. She had been visited by an old friend named Zelretch. She had shown him that Shirou had "traced", or replicated through magic discipline, a copy of the Jewelled Sword, Zelretch's weapon of choice. While noting the inferior qualities of the copy, he was pleased with what Rin's ally had accomplished, and modified the copied Jewelled Sword to be able to use the Second Sorcery; the abilty to open parallel dimensions. This enabled Rin to channel mana and prana from an infinite number of universes, making her an unstoppable killing machine. This, combined with Rider's abilities as a Servant and a Gorgon, and Sakura's abilities as an avatar of Angra Mainyu, gave Rin a most insidious idea.

The elder sister was back home in the mansion late one night. Rider had come to visit Rin. She was dressed how she normally was in those days, a simple button-up black long-sleeved shirt, blue jeans that hugged her hips in a sublime manner, and glasses that nullified her most famous Noble Phantasm. Rin was wearing her reddish-brown blouse made from silk, a brown skirt, and let her hair down that night. She, the lady of the house, was lounging on a sofa in the living room. Rider seated herself across from her on a chair. "So, why did you invite only me tonight?" Rin produced the Jewelled Sword. "That weapon." Rider said with hesitation.

Rin made a smirk, "I will be blunt with you; this world is rotten. The Holy Grail War is nothing more than a lie. This entire world is nothing _but_ lies. It is nothing more than a great black pit, filled to the brim with evildoers, and unless something is done, it'll stay that way."

Rider was confused, "What are you talking about?"

Rin continued smirking, "We could do it, Rider. We, with our powers combined, could do away with the ills of the world." She stood up, sword in hand, and walked near Rider, "You've seen what has happened to Sakura, you've seen what has happened to Shirou, you've seen how my family, the Einzbern, and Matou family dissolved not that long ago. And I know what happened to you before you came back as a Servant."

Rider made a scowl, "I now know what you're implying. You want to strike back at the world, and you're right; I did do that in a previous lifetime, but I now regret doing such a thing. I advise that you don't go down such a path."

Rin backed away from Rider, then continued, "Theft, murder, abuse, terrorism, war, rape, deceit, bigotry, these things, these terrible, evil things are allowed to reign simply because mankind can't and won't entirely eradicate them, but, we could do it. We could do it . . . if we were in charge of everything."

Rider stood up herself, "You're wrong!" She protested, "You're crazy if you think we could do that!"

Rin asked, "Am I, Rider? Am I crazy for caring for the only family I have left? All I want is to make a better world for Sakura, and a more peaceful world, one free of crime, where only good people are allowed to live, good people like us, like my sister . . . like Shirou."

"What do you intend to do, exactly?"

Rin smiled, "Why, make the governments of the world answer to us. Of course, we can't do it entirely by ourselves, we'll need followers. We need people to believe in us, and enforce our ideals, and we could do it . . . if you join me. You won't have to bring Sakura into this, in fact, we shouldn't mention this to her at all, at least, not in the beginning. We'll make the world better, without her knowing."

Rider stopped scowling, "I have been reading up on human history since the war ended. It would seem that mankind has done far more harm than good, just like last time. And although not every girl gets bullied specifically for having tall legs like me, I have read accounts of how people are damaged by that, and I can't forget what you and Sakura had to go through." She then looked uneasy, "But, the nations, and the Mage's Association, and the Burial Agency, they will surely oppose us."

Rin assured her, "That's why I have this." She glanced at the Jewelled Sword. "And when we can no longer hide our activity from my sister, she will prove invaluable. And don't forget, our armies will shield us, too. But I'll only do this if you agree."

Rider smiled, "Last time, I had Poseidon on my side, but all he did was offer me Pegasus. This time, I have someone just as cunning as Athena, and someone who is like a little sister to me. I have nothing better to do; let's fix this world however we can!"

Rin replied, "Yes, Rider. That's what I've been wanting to hear from you."

Noting her luck on how quickly Medusa changed her mind that night, (Or maybe Rin just had a high charisma rating) Rin went to work on thinking of a way to announce her desire for leadership. She then thought of the perfect way to announce her ambition; use Nicovideo. This, however, required the use of a camcorder, which she did not own, nor know how to use. She was frantic in trying to think of a way to make a video, when one day, she was visited by Rider and Sakura. "Hello!" Sakura said as she stepped into the mansion.

"Sis, Rider, what are you doing here?" A flustered Rin asked.

Sakura giggled, "Rider told me about your plans."

Rin blushed. "What plans?"

Sakura approached her sister, "You shouldn't have to hide things from me. You, of all people, should know that. Not only do I want to eradicate the evils of the world with you," her hair turned white and her eyes turned red, "I want to do so with relish."

Rin was speechless, "Uh, I, I . . ."

Sakura embraced Rin, "There there, Sis. You don't have to hide anything anymore. Rider and I will help you."

Rin, on the brink of tears, hugged back. "Thank you, Sakura."

After that, the three sought out to make their declaration via viral video. (LOL I can do alliteration!) They picked out a camcorder, and then recorded a video. In the video, Rin and Sakura were wearing their nicest dresses, while Rider was in her black leather get-up. Rin announced, "Greetings, world. We are the Tohsaka Sisterhood. I am Rin, this is my sister Sakura, and this is our honorary sister Medusa. We will create a new world order, one where people can finally live in peace. All you must do is swear absolute loyalty to us, and no one else."

After the video was completed and uploaded, Rider asked, "So what do we do now?"

Rin, brandishing her sword, said, "We go out into the world and do good, therefore building up a fanbase.

* * *

The old woman cringed as the thug held a knife to her, "I told you, I don't have any money!"

"LIAR!" The mugger shouted, "You got cash, don'tcha? Give it already!"

He reached for the woman's purse, but before he could reach for it, blood spilled onto his hands. The woman shrieked as she saw a metallic spike drive itself through the chest of the thug. The spike retreated and the man collapsed. A woman with long pink hair approached the elderly lady. She said in a calm voice, "I apologize for the mess. You were in danger, so I had to react quickly." She smiled, "Don't be scared. When my sisters and I walk the streets, good people like you will be safe." She turned around and walked away.

Elsewhere in Fuyuki, a convenience store was being held up by three gunmen. "Just put it in there nice and easy!" A man with a shotgun said, as the cashier emptied the register.

Just then, a girl with black hair entered. A man with a pistol fired at her, but just as the bullet struck her, her hand blocked it, and even though all logic would dictate that the bullet should've pierced her hand, it stopped the bullet dead in its path. "W-W-What the hellǃ?"

The girl taunted, "Reinforcement of the epidermis, one of my many talents. And here's another!" She pointed her index finger and fired green magic missiles at the men. They were so stunned by what they saw, they did not bother to retaliate or run away. They fell to the ground.

The cashier was also stunned, "W-Who are you?"

The girl said, "Just a girl who knows magic. My sisters and I are protectors of the city."

And elsewhere in Fuyuki, an alleyway was closed off by men in black suits. A salaryman was in the middle of the alley, as well as a black-suited man. The man in the black suit said, "You told us you would have the interest paid off today. Well, it's close to midnight, and I don't see a check for eight-hundred thousand yen anywhere in my hands."

The other man said, "I can't support my family by paying you off! Look man, kill me if you want, just leave my wife and sons out of this!"

Just then, there was a disturbance at the alleyway entrance. The guards turned around to see something that made them screamed, then they all appeared to be gutted. A girl in what looked like a black-and-red dress stepped past the now-dead bodies. "Hello!" She said.

The man in the black suit hesitated. Then he drew brass knuckles, put them on, and charged at the girl, shouting, "HAAAAAAAAA!" Right before he could land a punch, a black-and-red ribbon punched a hole in his throat, causing him to keel over.

The salaryman cowered into the wall, "Please spare me! I don't know what's going on!"

The girl smiled, "Do not fear displays of magic. My sisters and I have come to save souls like you" One of her ribbon appendages brought forth something to the man, "Here's my card for more information."

* * *

In the Fuyuki City Hall, the mayor was giving a speech to those interested. "Let us now address the issue at hand." He said in a flat, dispassionate voice. "For the past few weeks or so, some acts of vigilantism have taken place by a group calling itself 'The Tohsaka Sisterhood.' They have killed criminals, and every time the police try to arrest them, one of them turns the police into stone for a temporary amount of time. We will now listen to what the citizens have to say about this.

"One of them picked me off the street right before I got hit by a car!"

"One of them killed some burglars breaking into my apartment!"

"My ex-boyfriend started beating me again, then he got cut to death!"

"Hold it! Hold it!" A police officer said, "What they are doing is strictly against the law! They have resisted arrest, and murdered people, heinous though they may be."

An uproar broke out in the crowd. Another voice interrupted, "Yeah! It's like these women are taking the jobs of the cops!"

"Not necessarily." Rin broke in.

The crowd hushed. In the back, Rin, Sakura, and Rider were standing firm. "The police can continue to serve and protect the city, even with us doing our rounds. Of course, for that to happen, they would have to swear loyalty to us."

Another uproar erupted. After the crowd quieted down, the mayor asked, "Is there a reason why we should give in to your demands?"

Rin answered, "Yes. Not only do we know magic, and are not afraid of displaying it, but you see, we wish to prevent tragedies before they happen. We are all altogether too familiar with tragedy, none more so than my sister. Sakura, if you would."

Sakura nodded. She then summarized her life story. The people were in tears from what they heard. The mayor, still looking unemotional, responded, "Young lady, your words have touched my heart. You have proven that you are all aware of the benefits and dangers of magic. Therefore, I will see to it that you three assume the role of protectors of this fine city."

Some of the crowd cheered. Sakura and Rider jumped for joy. Rin made a smile, like somehow, this was just how she expected things to play out.

The next night, Rider and Sakura were preparing for a patrol. Rider looked at the purple-haired girl and asked, "So Sakura, what do you want to do, tonight?"

Sakura made a delightful smile, "The same thing we do _every_ night, Rider!"

[to be continued]


	13. Grief is the Fuel of Vengeance p 2

Crime in Fuyuki plummeted after Rin, Sakura, and Rider went public. No one dared to commit an act of evil, lest they wanted to be ravaged by the vengeful sisters. Support for the Tohsaka Sisterhood occurred worldwide. Discussions were held over the discovery of magic. Websites sprung up discussing the sisters, although many of these conversations were about how "hawt" the crusaders were.

A few months after becoming the "Leaders" of Fuyuki, Rin had been addressed by someone out of town. This someone was a young woman who possessed magical powers who also desired to eradicate evil. Rin was chatting with this woman via webcam, "You mustn't be afraid." Rin said, "Even if people hate you for it, you're still doing a good thing. After all, you're just like us; having lost loved ones to vile users of magic."

The woman on the other end, sporting long black hair, replied, "I know. I just wanted to know where you get your courage from."

Rin said, "Simple. Years from now, when you look back at your life, are you going to look at the things you've done with pride, or with regret? This is something to make your life worthwhile. Why have cursed blood if you're not going to make use of it?"

The woman responded, "You're right. I will reveal myself in kind. Perhaps some of my friends will too."

Rin smiled, "The more, the merrier. Just remember one thing: you defer to me, and no one else."

"Sure."

The conversation ended. Rin reported to Sakura and Rider, "I have gained the support of the Tohno clan in Misaki City! Our influence is spreading!"

"Yes!" Sakura shouted.

"Excellent." Rider replied. Later that day, Rider commented, "Back when I wasn't a Servant, humans were not wired like they are now. The advancements in communication allows us to persuade people to our cause better than before."

Sakura agreed, "Yes. It's just like an expression I heard somewhere, 'Control the media, control the mind.'"

Rin and Rider nodded. They patrolled the streets, however, catching prey was more difficult, that was, until one fateful evening, Rin received an anonymous text message:

"There's some goons meeting in one of the mansions in the Western District at [Address]. They look like the dangerous kind, like the ones who could shoot fireballs and such. You should look into it."

"Huh. That's not that far from here." Rin remarked. "We should look into this. Citizens wouldn't be giving us tips if they didn't love us."

The three prepared themselves and left for the mansion mentioned in the text. The gate was opened. Rin, with Sakura and Rider following, approached the front door. It was locked. "The gate's unlocked, but not the front door. Maybe we should check the back door."

They cautiously moved to the back, only to find the back door was locked as well. When they turned around, they found five people wearing long black trench coats. One of them, a woman with short blue hair, ordered, "The tall one is an anomaly and must be killed. The humans are to be captured alive."

Instinctively, Rin reached for her gemstones. "_Anfang!_" She shouted. The coated figures dispersed as her shots landed. Sakura, in her "Dark" form, shot her tentacles out, only for none of her tentacles to connect. Rider jumped forward and took off her blinders, and used her Noble Phantasm of petrification. As she did that, light swords struck on the ground near her. Rider could not move from her position. "RIDER!" Rin called out.

Rider couldn't look at someone long enough for her petrification to work, but she could still wield her nails. She launched one at one of the coated figures. Blood shot out from the chest of her target. Just as she did that, the blue-haired woman revealed what looked like a large cannon with a spike coming out of the turret. She charged at Rider. "NOOOOO!" Sakura yelled. She stepped forward just as the woman was right next to Rider.

Sakura stabbed the woman several times with her ribbon-like tentacles.

The woman fired a shot at point-blank range at Rider.

Rider's form was completely vaporized. There was not a trace left, like she was never there to begin with.

"RIDEEEEEEEEER!"

Her eyes burning, Rin pulled out the Jewelled Sword, and after tapping energy from an alternate dimension, fired a wave of energy at the injured blue-haired woman. Rider's killer jumped out of the way, but the wave did hit and drop another one of the figures. Rin ran up to Sakura's side to back her up. Just as she did, the figures, one by one, ran through the sisters with their dagger-swords, wearing them down. Sakura's hair had changed back to purple, and she and Rin were on the ground, bloodied and disheveled from the onslaught. Swords surrounded them, preventing escape. The blue-haired woman approached them. She too was hurt, but not as badly as the sisters. She said, "May God have mercy on both of your souls."

* * *

A cargo plane was flying west. Inside of the plane, the "cargo" of Rin and Sakura were tied up and negated to not use magic. (And if you try to read anything sexual out of this, well, you'd be completely missing the point. Stop it already.) Rin's sword and jewels had been confiscated, and she and Sakura were separated for safe measure. The woman only as Ciel had come to spoon feed the prisoners. She approached Rin holding a can of applesauce and a spoon. "Open up."She instructed.

Sakura asked, "Why are you taking us away?"

Ciel said, "Because you were recklessly displaying your magic, as well as taking up vengeance for yourself. Vengeance is God's domain, not yours. Even if you killed horrible people, who's to say they couldn't redeem themselves later in life?"

Sakura reacted, "But, if you just wait for someone to do something evil, then that solves nothing!"

"Wrong. Not only were you performing murders, you exposed the element of magic to the world. Do you have any idea of how much danger you have placed everyone because of your misguided ideals? I had to talk to a friend of mine before coming to Fuyuki because one of you was trying to talk her into showing everyone she's part demon." Ciel stopped feeding Rin and started offering Sakura applesauce.

Rin said, "Wait; you know Akiha Tohno?"

"Yes. It's a miracle I got to her in time before she did something reckless, unlike you two."

Rin queried, "What are you going to do to us?"

Ciel answered, "Keep it so you can't cause anymore damage. We won't execute you, since you are both human, but we will keep you under surveillance."

Rin then asked, "And our movement?"

Ciel stated, "We will do everything possible to disable it."

The plane ride continued for a few more hours, hours of discomfort and humiliation for two sisters angry at the world.

* * *

Rin and Sakura were in separate dungeon cells in the basement of an old mausoleum. The gates were rusted into the ground, yet anyone with a key could still get in or out. Pity Rin and Sakura still could not use their magic to do so, since they were still in an anti-magic field.

A visitor from up top came to visit them. This visitor was a petite woman with long white hair. She was wearing the blue-and-white robe the priestesses wore, along with a blue beret. She approached the sisters and said in a monotone, "Greetings, wayward children. I am Caren Ortensia. You were both acquainted with my father back in Japan."

Rin asked, "Your father? Who would that be?"

Caren said, "Kotomine Kirei."

Rin and Sakura both shouted, "WHATǃ?"

Rin added, "You're his daughterǃ?"

Caren, unmoved by their reactions, responded, "Yes indeed. I don't blame you for your actions, or for striking back at my father." It was technically Shirou who finished off Kotomine, Rin remembered. "Rather, if I had convinced Father to not stray from the path of righteousness, you two would not have been driven by wrath enough to take up vigilantism. I suppose now one of you is going to say that, while you're a fan of all the seven deadly sins, wrath is your favorite of them, no?"

Sakura and Rin glared at Caren. Rin said, "Now I see how you could be his child; you're starting to piss me off just like how he always did."

Caren said, "I see you are giving into your wrath again, Rin Tohsaka." She clasped her hands together, closed her eyes, and said, "Lord, forgive my negligence. I have driven a girl and her younger sister to take up the sword. Please find it in your heart to forgive us."

Sakura said, "But you don't seem to be as twisted as _him_. Do you actually want to help people out?"

Caren opened her eyes, "Yes. There are those in the church who think you should be executed, but I think that you deserve redemption. In your place, I argued that you can either redeem yourselves by serving for the Burial Agency, or that you could remain here. That is what I came to tell you."

Serve the Agency? But Rin wanted the world! She didn't want to serve under anyone anymore! Shortly after her message, Caren left. Rin and Sakura pondered over what to do next.

Interest in the Tohsaka Sisterhood eventually died down in the outside world. Aside from exposing the element of magic to the world, they were seen as nothing more than a curiosity afterward. Many people came to assume that one of their targets got the jump on them and killed all three members simultaneously. Whatever the case, the Tohsaka family lost its influence among the magi of the world.


	14. Interlude: The shameless priestess

As the monitor switched off, Rin stared in awe. As amusing as some of that scenario was, she couldn't helped but be disturbed by the contents. "How . . . awkward." She thought. Luckily for her, no one was around right then.

* * *

Caren Ortensia was making her way to Rin's study of sorts. She was wearing her battle uniform, the one that shows off her figure without exposing any skin. She approached the door and knocked. Rin answered, "Caren?" She asked. "How did you find me?"

"I asked around." Caren answered in a monotone. "I was told you had a fun machine. May I try it?"

"Sure. Come on in."

Caren observed the room. She then found the device, "Is this it?"

Rin answered, "Uh huh. But how is everyone finding out about this machine? I haven't told anyone about it." _You__ haven't, anyway, mmm-hmm-hmm-hmm!_ Whatever was Kohaku doing?

Caren said, "I heard it through the grapevine, as is said in the Anglosphere." She looked at the machine more closely, "So how does this work?"

Rin replied, "You simply tell it what you want to see."

Caren then asked, "I want to keep my idea a secret but still play it out. You think if I whisper into it, it'll accept my idea?"

Rin went, "Hmm? I never thought of that. Maybe it would. Yeah, then, whatever scenario you have will be a complete surprise for me! Yes, try it!"

Caren whispered something into the device. She backed away to get a better view. It flickered on while she and Rin watched.

[Author's Note: Oh~, what could the next what-if scenario be about? That's for you to find out! . . . when I finish the first part, that is. Until then, have fun trying to guess what I could possibly be cooking up next.]


	15. Curse of the Tohno Clan P 1

The elderly man was in his room with his close friend, the physician. The physician said, "You're just gonna have to face facts, Makihisa-sama; your body can't process alcohol like it used to. If you keep drinking at the rate you are, I can't guarantee that your heart or liver will hold out much longer."

Makihisa swiped a book off his desk, "Oh, what do you knowǃ? What is the point of living if I cannot consume the nectar of the Olympiansǃ?" He glanced at the door, ... "Of course, that's the problem, no, _human_ techniques could save me. But . . . _she_ could." He glanced out the window, "Oh, what I wouldn't give to see her face, her eyes, and her smile once more. Why, I would trade my entire fortune just to hear her voice again. Why, she could prolong my life; I know it!" He circled around, "I know you're listening in, succubus! I know you can see me! Please, I beg of you, come to me once more! Arturia! ARTURIAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

* * *

"I can't believe it! We're all together again!" I shouted exuberantly. Yes, most of my family had gathered together on this joyous occasion for the Tohno family reunion. I, Shirou Tohno, my cousins, my dad (though I prefer to call him, "dirty bastard") and his siblings were getting together to meet up with my grandfather, Makihisa Tohno. Grandfather was falling ill, and there's reason to believe that he may not survive by this time next year. His four children, Kotomine (bastard), his elder brother Kiritsugu, his sister Akiha, and younger sister Irisviel, were bringing themselves and their families to Grandfather's home. My mother died a few years ago, so the bastard married an old business partner, Ichiko Inui, who I _guess_ is my stepmom, but, she doesn't really feel like it to me. Still, I like her more than the Bastard, so I think of her as Other Mom. We were in an airport in Tokyo, awaiting to travel via private helicopter. Grandfather's home is a Western style mansion somewhere on Mount Fuji, in a place that's near-inaccessible by anyway other than air. He wanted nothing more than to be away from people, and he had the kind of money to do such a thing.

"Oh, but Shirou-aniki, are you still scared of helicopters?" That would be my eldest cousin, Mikiya Tohno. He has recently finished college and is entering the business world. I'm the second-oldest, and while I'm still in high school, I do hold seniority over the girls. The third oldest cousin was Arcueid Tohno, who, along with her parents Kiritsugu and Miyako, live in the mansion with Grandfather. You can imagine how fun that was.

Oh right, helicopters. I said to Mikiya, "Well why wouldn't I be? What would we do if the engine fails? It'll be the end of everything!"

He chuckled, "But don't you know you're a hundred times less likely to die in an aircraft than you are in an automobile?"

I argued, "That's only because there aren't a ton of planes in the sky, like there are with cars! If the situation was reversed, you'd agreed with me! At least when a car breaks down, you don't plummet into a mess of shrapnel and fire!"

Other Mom added, "Man, Shirou. You would think by now, you wouldn't be scared of air travel, but looking at you, maybe your father's right; maybe you are a man-sized baby!"

I blushed, "That's not funny!"

"Oh? Is Shirou-san angry?" A childish voice broke in. That was my youngest cousin Ilyasviel, daughter of Irisviel. She's much younger than the rest of us; still a child, while we're all either in our late teens or early twenties. No one knows who the dad is, so Aunt Iri raises her alone. I tried to ask the family about that, but every time, they say something to the effect of, "That's not for you to know, Buddy Boy."

Back to the present, I saw that Ilya and Aunt Iris had arrived. I said to Ilya, "No, I'm not mad. But wow, look at you! You sure got taller!"

"Uh huh!"

Aunt Iris smiled, "I remember when she couldn't even reach up to my knees! Time sure does fly!"

"It sure does, indeed!" That was Uncle Soichiro, husband of Aunt Akiha. "Now that's everyone's here, we just gotta wait for the helicopter to arrive."

Aunt Akiha said, "Yes, then maybe, we might get lucky and see Grandpa in person one last time."

The Bastard said, "Oh what? You think he's just gonna lock himself up in his library again?"

She looked downcast, "I wouldn't rule out the possibility." Neither would I. Grandfather was notoriously finicky like that.

The helicopter finally arrived. We made our way to the helipad. It was a civilian counterpart of a military chopper that could transport a lot of people at once. We all got in and strapped ourselves to our seats. When the propellers roared, Ilya said, "Wheeeeee! We're going up!"

"Ilya!" Aunt Iris reprimanded, "Not so loud!"

"Sorry." Ilya stated in dejection.

The helicopter was making its way to Mount Fuji. My heart was racing, and my fingers kept flexing themselves. The Bastard noticed this, "Why so scared? We haven't died on any of these flights yet, right?"

Uncle Soichiro said, "Hey, remember that episode of I Love Lucy, when Lucy had to get onto the cruiser in a helicopter? But the helicopters back then were tiny, and they didn't even have doors! They just had two holes on the side for the pilot and passenger! Now, if we were in a chopper like that, even I would be scared!"

"Agh! Stop it! Stop it!" I shouted.

"Now you're the one being noisy!" Other Mom pointed out.

"Seriously, cut it out." Aunt Iris added.

Some death-defying minutes later, the mansion came into sight. (I wouldn't know, for I was avoiding looking out the windows. Vertigo sucks!) Technically, someone could access the mansion by foot, but you'd have to be crazy to travel to there by any method other than air. It was a large two-story European mansion, three if you count the basement, and it came with a one-story servant house. The helicopter landed, and I _finally_ got to breathe easy. "Look! We're still alive, much to Shirou's chagrin!" The Bastard said. The family chuckled. I wanted to say _up yours_ . . . but I didn't wanna look like a jackass in front of my relatives.

When we stepped out, two people were waiting for us. One of whom was Arcueid. The other of whom was Azaka, one of the maids. (Yeah, Grandfather has servants, including a girl in a French maid costume. I think he read one too many manga in his youth.) They were both about the same age, seventeen I think. Other Mom said, "Arcueid! Azaka! So good to see you again!"

Azaka blushed, "Heh heh! Likewise!" She bowed.

I then noticed something . . . _something about Arc's boobs._ "Whoa, Arc! When did you get this smexyǃ?"

Arc crossed her eyes, "What?"

I smiled cheekily, "I mean, your face! And body! And curvature!"

Mikiya inserted, "Uh, Shirou-aniki, just because first cousins are legal doesn't mean you should pursue them above everyone else!"

Aunt Akiha added, "Yeah! You want the blogs to print scandalous things about you?"

I threw up my arms, "Whatǃ? What's wrong with admiring the appearance of womenǃ?"

The Bastard said, "He gets that from me."

Other Mom, added, "Obviously."

I looked at Azaka, "And you, Azaka-san, you've become quite the looker yourself! Especially your hair! What's your secret?"

Azaka looked aside and muttered, "But, I'm nothing more than a tool." The servants always say they're "tools" for some reason. I don't know how Grandfather is indoctrinating them, but it's kind of weird.

Azaka led us to the door that leads from the rooftop into the mansion. When I stepped through that door and down the stairs, I felt as though I had been transported into another world. I had been to the mansion before, but every time, it gets me; the sheer utter magnificence of the interiors is impossible to describe with words. Wait, maybe a simile could work. When you cross into Grandfather's mansion, it was like you stopped listening to a manufactured pop song, and popped in a symphony by Mozart; you were in a world of beauty that shouldn't even be humanly possible, and yet, there it is, before your very eyes. Another one of the servants, a boy about Azaka's age, said, "Kiritsugu-sama! The guests are here!"

I could faintly hear Uncle Kiritsugu saying, "Very good, Waver. Send them in."

Waver stood by the side of the entrance, "Right this way, sirs."

Inside was the living room. Uncle Kiritsugu and Aunt Miyako were waiting. "It is a pleasure to see you all again." Aunt Miyako greeted, "Especially you, Shirou. How long has it since you last came? Four years?"

"Uh, I think so."

"Yes, it was four years ago." Uncle Kiritsugu answered, "Kotomine was tired of your constant whining during the helicopter rides, so he kept you home, but I guess we was willing to put up with that this year?"

"Hey!"

"A ha ha ha! I can see the familial resemblance!" Uncle Soichiro shouted.

A man dressed like a servant and a chef walked in. "Good afternoon, sirs and madams!" I didn't recognize him; must be someone knew. "Tonight's feast will be one will the ages! Keep in mind, it will be quite some time before it is ready. You can't rush art, after all!" He let out a laugh.

"Indeed!" Aunt Miyako said. "In the meantime, do you have any appetizers for us, Kariya?"

Kariya replied, "Certainly!" He retreated into the kitchen to bring out some snacks.

We all sat down and made small talk. I started getting bored of all of this commission, and I could tell Ilya was too. "Would you like to sneak out of here?" An old lady said gently.

I looked and noticed Otoko Hotaruzuka, the older maid servant. She was the oldest of the servants, maybe even older than Grandfather. I remembered her as well as another old servant (What was his name? Wasn't it Western-sounding?) from when I first came here. I said, "Yeah. Us third-generation Tohnos wanna look around, am I right?"

"Uh huh!" Ilya blurted out.

"Don't go anywhere by yourself, young lady." Aunt Iris said to Ilya.

"We'll be tagging along too." Mikiya told Otoko-san as he and Arc joined us.

Otoko-san led us down the hall to where the guest bedrooms are. On the way there, something caught my eye that I hadn't seen before, a large painted portrait. "Hey, what's that?"

Mikiya said, "Oh, that's the witch of the mountain, Arturia, remember?"

The portrait was of a young woman of Caucasian features. She wore an elaborate blue Victorian dress, her blonde hair was tied in a bun, and her sharp green eyes looked as though she was staring straight into your soul. Her composed glamor and youthful appearance was captivating, to say the least. "Oh, that's supposed to be the witch Grandfather told us about?"

Arcueid noted, "Yeah. About two years ago, Grandpa hired an artist to draw her. It's an elegant portrait, but I don't think he's fooling any of us, anymore."

Ilya pouted, "That's not true! Arturia is real! She's real!"

Oh, poor Ilya, still believing fairy tales I see. Mikiya said, "Well, you're not the only one who believes that. Grandfather is convinced that Arturia is real, too. Don't mind Shirou and Arcueid; they're just being insensitive." He smiled; I didn't.

Ilya crossed her arms and looked proud, "That's right! And when I grow up, I want to become a witch, just like Arturia!" I had heard that Ilya had no friends at school, since they relentlessly bullied her. I think I'm beginning to understand why, now.

Arcueid mentioned, "One thing I never got was the epitaph written on the bottom."

"Epithet?" I asked.

"Yeah. Grandpa has some riddle written on the bottom. Something about sacrifices and upholding a contract? And it says whoever fulfills what is written will be taken to Avalon."

"Avalon? As in the island of Arthurian legend where Excalibur was forged?" I questioned.

Arcueid said, "Supposedly, yeah, though I don't know how you're supposed to get from here to the British Isles!" She chuckled.

"With magic!" Ilya exclaimed, "Magic would make that possible!"

"Why yes!" Otoko-san said, "Those who believe in magic can make the journey!" Don't encourage her! Regardless, we were led to one of the guest bedrooms. It was quite spacious: four beds, a closet, nightstands, and an adjacent bathroom. Our stuff was already brought in here. We decided to stay for a while so that the parents can discuss the inheritance. From previous experience, we had all learned the hard way that the second generation of the Tohnos actually don't get along. At all. I've heard some nasty things about the Bastard's brother and sisters, things that I don't know are really true or not, nor do I want to confirm it. Which made me glad that my cousins and I still get along fairly well. Sure, we constantly tease each other, but unlike _them_, we can actually be around each around without spewing venom at one another. I hope by the time we get to our forties, we still respect each other.

Snow started trickling down outside. Ilya looked out and shouted, "Snow! Let's play in the snow!"

Otoko-san said, "Oh that's right, I saw on the news that there's going to be snow fall in the next few days. But while it's not piled up too high, why don't you kids pack up and play in the snow while you still can?"

This was an idea we all agreed upon. We brought some winter clothes, changed into them, and headed outside. It was windy outside, in addition to snowy, and the temperature was lower now than when we arrived, but we didn't care, for we were throwing snowballs, building rudimentary snowmen, and basically proving that we don't hate each other. We must've been playing for an hour when Arc asked, "Hey, where's Ilya?"

I looked around, "I dunno." The door into the mansion was slightly ajar.

"Maybe she wanted to do something with Aunt Iris?" Mikiya postulated.

* * *

"ENOUGH!" Kiritsugu screamed, "This constant haranguing is getting us nowhere! Miyako, I appreciate your efforts at defending me, but you don't fully understand where Akiha is coming from, so I'm going to ask you to keep quiet for now."

Miyako looked downcast, "I'm sorry, dear."

Akiha looked proud, "So now it's in the open; Kiritsugu may be Daddy's favorite, but he's not the best choice for taking over the fortune. That is why I have-"

"MOMMY MOMMY!" The voice of Ilya could be happily sounding off as she ran into the living room.

"Ilya, what are you doing hereǃ? We're having grownup talk right now!" Iris said.

"But Mommy, I met Arturia!"

Silence. The adults displayed various forms of shock on their faces. Iris asked in a low voice, "Is this some sort of prank? Remember what I told you about pranking?"

Ilya looked frustrated, "It's not a prank! I really met her! Arc-san, Shirou-san, and Mikiya-san and I were playing in the snow when I saw someone in a pretty blue dress not that far from here, so I went up to her, and it was Arturia, standing there just like I see you now, Mommy!"

Miyako looked to Kiritsugu, "A woman in a blue dress? Is this another one of Father's games?"

Kiritsugu shrugged, "I wouldn't rule out the possibility."

Ilya continued, "And she even gave me a note! Look!" Out of her coat pocket was an envelope. "She said for one of Grandpa's kids to read it out loud, since he probably wouldn't be present."

More confused looks from the adults showed, until Akiha broke in, "Let me see that." She took the envelope. On the cover was ornate penmanship that read _To The Dear Tohno Clan_. "It's not Dad's handwriting. Let's see what's written." She tore open the envelope and read the letter aloud.

My old drinking partner Makihisa has finalized the preparations for the contest. The rules on the epithet are to be followed, but know that only one may pass into Avalon, no more, no less. The victor will be granted whatever his or her heart desires, while the losers will serve as a sacrifice, for all power requires sacrifice. The contest began the moment I presented this letter to one of the participants. Make the most of your time. Do not disappoint me. Yours lovingly, Arturia Pendragon.

"Wow! Grandpa wasn't lying! She really came!" Ilya exclaimed.

"But Ilya-chan," Ichiko said, "Are you absolutely certain this came from a woman from Arturia?"

Ilya pouted, "Of course! Why would you doubt me? I saw her! She spoke to me! She was very nice!"

Kiritsugu stated, "You don't suppose Father hired someone that looked like Arturia to play tricks on us, do you? I'll have the servants investigate." He raised his voice, "Roa! . . . where could he have gone?"

* * *

The library was not large. A library like this in a public such as a city would be laughable, but for a single man . . . it was quite suitable, especially if that man was Makihisa Tohno. The Tohno Patriarch and the practitioner Sougen were still in the mini-library when an older man dressed like the other servants entered. "Makihisa-sama, your family has arrived. They are anxiously awaiting your return."

"Let them wait." Makihisa snided. "I have waited over half my lifetime to meet Arturia again; the least _they_ can manage is a few more hours." He then marched over to a gameboard that contained Go pieces arranged as if they were in the middle of a game. He smiled nostalgically, "The last time I met Arturia, we were playing a match of Go using the Chinese ruleset. I was white, she was black. We were several turns into our game before we were . . . interrupted. She promised to finish this match with me before my mortal shell expired. I have kept that promise, now and forever. If the contest were to truly begin tomorrow . . . we can finally finish what we began."

The servant stated, "Yes, Makihisa-sama. That is the same story you have told us, again and again, throughout the years."

Makihisa narrowed his eyes at the servant, "Was that a snide remark, Roa?"

Roa bowed, "Certainly not. My apologies, Lord. A tool like me does not slander the master of the house."

"You better not."

Sougen said, "Makihisa, I would very much like to meet the rest of your family, if I may."

Makihisa answered, "If you insist, then go."

Roa led Sougen out of the library. The door into the library was designed in such a way that one could open it from the inside with no problem, but to open it from the outside always required a key. After the older gentlemen exited, Makihisa smiled again, "I've made my move, Arturia. Your turn now."

* * *

We went back in. Otoko-san wasn't waiting, nor was any servant. In the distance, we could hear Ilya saying something. "Did she wanna say something to her mother?" Arc asked.

"I dunno." Mikiya answered. "But let's find out."

We found Ilya talking to the parents about something. "Here they are now, let's ask them." Aunt Iris said. She turned to us, "Tell us, have you seen a woman outside just now who resembled the Arturia portrait?"

Huh? Someone like that outside? We all said no. Ilya looked unhappy, "How could you not see herǃ? She stood out!"

Mikiya said, "I'm sorry, but I didn't see anyone other than ourselves."

Akiha stood up, "And Arturia even sent us a letter, have a look."

She handed us a hand-written letter. The writer claimed to be Arturia Pendragon. (Wait, she has a last name?) The letter claimed that some contest had begun, and that one lucky person would go to Avalon, and everyone else would be sacrificed. Sounds like Grandpa's being theatrical again. Mikiya looked at Ilya, "Ilya, have you seen Arturia again since?"

Ilya answered, "No. She said she'd come back after the contest was over. But I don't want any of you beating me! I'm gonna look at the epithet again!" She ran off.

Mikiya said to Aunt Akiha, "Mom, I wanna take a look at the portrait's epithet, if I may."

Aunt Akiha said, "Go ahead, dear. Your father and I still have some business to discuss."

We knew it was best to leave the adults to their business, so Mikiya, Arc, and I visited the portrait again. Ilya was looking at the large gold-plated plaque beneath the portrait. It read the following:

You who seek the island of Avalon, heed the following instructions by the letter.

To gain entry, you must use the sword Caliburn as your key. Whomsoever wields Caliburn must perform the necessary gestures to unlock the gate.

When the clock strikes midnight, a pentagram containing five sinners in the eyes of God.

When sunlight penetrates the eye, three of blood and strife.

By the afternoon, one of the head.

By the evening, one of the torso.

By the twilight, two inseparable by love.

By one day after the beginning, the remaining children who do not bear Caliburn will be offered as sacrifices. Only then will I appear to lead the wielder to the door. Only then will I grant whatever your heart desires.

I am Arturia. I will not be denied.

Dang, that's heavy. I was puzzled about one thing, "What's Caliburn? It says it's a sword, but, if this is inspired by King Arthur, shouldn't that be Excalibur?"

Mikiya answered, "Yes . . . and no. In some variations, Caliburn is simply another spelling of Excalibur. In other variations, Caliburn and Excalibur are two different swords that Arthur used."

I shrugged, "Huh. Well, I don't think any of us could have Excalibur on us, especially seeing as how-" I saw Ilya's grumpy face. I better not finish what I was going to say, "How hard it would be for someone, even for Grandpa, to own such a grand weapon."

Arc pointed out, "Hey wait, were you gonna say Excalibur wasn't real? That would be a mean thing to say, remember~?"

"No, no, I wasn't!" I flustered.

Ilya was eager to begin this "Contest", but felt too tired to start right now, so we watched some more tv to pass the time. The snow was really picking up outside. We were expecting some snow, but not like this. Blizzards don't usually happen at this time of year. Just our luck. We usually don't stay longer than three days, and the weather forecast said this freak storm should end sometime tomorrow, so here's hoping. Eventually, the snow got so bad, that the servants couldn't retire into their separate house for the night. In emergencies like this, futons are kept for the servants to sleep on.

As the night began, the meal that Kariya began was finished. We were all called out to the dining room (sans Grandpa) and we dined in. Despite the bad blood between the second generation Tohnos, none of that mattered as we dug into all kinds of Western delights. It was definitely one of the finest meals I had had recently. Afterwards, it was getting late, so we went to the bedroom prepared for me and my cousins. As I slipped into my pajamas for the night, I couldn't get the sound of the wind howling outside out of my mind. Just a few hours ago, it wasn't that bad out there. Now, we're boarded up. Oh well. At the very least, it'll be a good life lesson, once this is over.

* * *

Somewhere away from the mansion, in a beautifully decorated garden, there sat a woman on a chair. She looked exactly like the woman on Makihisa's portrait, right down to the shape of her eyes. She had finished drinking a cup of tea. She said to herself, "And when the clock strikes midnight, the witches' ball shall begin. Mmm-hmm-hmm-hmm! I know how long you've been waiting for this, Makihisa Tohno. Don't disappoint me."

Shortly after this, the members of the Tohno family and the house servants had retired into their beds for the night. The clock struck midnight, chiming itself throughout the halls for everyone to hear. What awaited them on this new day was something none of them could have ever predicted.

[Author's Note: Yes, I got the idea for this from the original visual novel version of Umineko, or When the Seagulls Cry. Please note that I have only played up to Episode 4 of the VN. If you give away anything, _anything_ that happens in Episodes 5 through 8, I will not hesitate to block all communication with you. For those of you coming from Beast's lair, honor this request if you want to maintain my respect.

However, I have an important announcement to make. I wish to not concentrate as much on fanfiction in the future. I want to write original stories that I hope to self-publish for money under my true name. I hope to have my first ebook finished later this year. To do this, I will not be able to write as much fanfiction as I used to. Do note that I am not abandoning fanfiction entirely; I do enjoy writing it, and I will finish this story sometime in the future. Just keep in mind that I have a new ambition to carry out, and as much, all of my fanfiction projects will be slower to update. Thank you for your understanding.]


	16. Curse of the Tohno Clan P 2

[Author's Note: This story is turning out longer than I anticipated. It will probably be four parts long. Four parts until we learn just what Karen said into the machine.

Well whatever she said, it had something to do with the visual novel version of Umineko, or When the Seagulls Cry. A word of warning, there are references to Umineko in this and the later parts. They aren't spoilers in the strictest sense of the term, (I'm not _completely_ rehashing Umineko) but they are references that could potentially give away scenes from Episodes 1 through 4 of the visual novel. Of course, you could read this anyway, and just not care, but I still feel responsible for telling you that anyway. Now, back to the story.]

I awoke early in the morning. The blizzard was still raging outside. Azaka did say that even if we were boarded up, we had enough food to last for nearly a week, so I wasn't worried about that. Doing my best to not wake up my cousins, I went for the bathroom, used it to freshen up, then changed into my evening wear, despite it being morning. I checked my cell phone for new emails. There weren't any, however, it was also displaying a message, "No service available." Curious. Was it because of the blizzard? Eh, it's not like I was gonna use it. I killed time by playing a game on my cell. (Luckily, that still worked.)

Mikiya was the first to wake up after me. He freshened up and changed into his evening wear. I then said to him, "Hey Mikiya, check your cell phone."

"What for?"

"Just do it." I reiterated. He did. It turned on, but it also displayed, "No service available." I told him, "Mine says the same thing."

"Is it because of the blizzard?"

I shrugged, "Maybe, I don't know."

Arcueid woke up shortly afterwards. After she showered and changed, we told her the same thing, and her cell phone had the same result. "Maybe it's because we're far away from any infrastructure, and there's the blizzard going on at the same time."

Ilya, the last of us, got up, used the bathroom, changed. We told her to check her cell, and hers also had no service. "Oh well." She said.

That must be one hell of a blizzard to knock out our cells like that. Azaka came in, with a rolling tray of breakfast foods. After settling our rumbling tummies, I asked her, "Do the servants carry cell phones?"

"Of course."

"All of our cell phones can't make or receive anything right now. Can yours?"

"Let me check." She opened her cell phone and looked, "No, it says there's no service available at the moment."

"Bummer." I said. "Let's hope we don't need to use them."

Azaka reassured, "Yes. According to the forecast, the snow should stop by the afternoon. Anyway, whenever you're ready, I can take you elsewhere in the mansion."

"I wanna watch tv!" Ilya blurted out.

"Me too!"

"Same here!"

Mikiya said nothing, but I guess he also wanted to watch something. Azaka took us to the living room. On the way there, I overheard one of the servants talking. I think it was the oldest one, I can't remember his name. The only thing I could make out was, " . . . not in the master bedroom either. I already checked." What was he talking about? Probably servant stuff, nothing for me to be concerned about.

Aunt Miyako was sipping tea by herself in the living room. Arc greeted, "Hey Mom, where's Dad?"

Aunt Miyako looked downcast, "Arc, everyone, there's something you need to be aware of."

"What is it?" Mikiya asked.

She replied, "Arc, your father has gone missing. So have your parents, Shirou-san, Mikiya-san, and Ilya-chan. Also, your grandfather has disappeared, and I haven't seen Otoko-san anywhere, either."

What? They are missing? What could that mean? What, did Grandpa take them all somewhere and do something weird? Wait, better not let my imagination run wild. Right then, Ilya said, "They must be looking for Caliburn."

Aunt Miyako said, "I don't know, sweetie. I just hope they show up soon, although in this weather . . . where could they have gone?"

Caliburn . . . don't tell me Grandpa made them look for some fake sword? But, that plaque said only one person could enter Avalon; if that's the case, why would he take Mom, Dad, and the others with him? Right then, the chef Kariya came in, bringing us snacks, "Sorry for the delay. I had to alter my meal plans since about half the household vanished."

He brought some Western snacks that we partook in. Just then, Azaka and Waver came in, as well as the older male servant. He came over to Aunt Miyako and whispered something into her ear. After that, she stood up and declared, "Children, Azaka-san, Kariya-san, and Waver-san; Roa-san and I have something we must tend to. You are NOT to leave this room until we return. This is absolute." She stood up and left with Roa-san, closing the door behind them.

Ilya pouted, "They must've gone to look for Caliburn, too! That's not fair!"

We knew from past experience that breaking an order from either one of Arc's parents was as bad as breaking a rule of Grandpa's. We had no choice. My cousins watched tv, while Kariya-san told lame jokes to me and the other servants. I spent most of the time messing with my cell phone. However, shortly after Aunt Miyako left, I heard a faint sound somewhere, I couldn't be sure what, but I heard something distant . . . but it was probably just the wind outside. About thirty minutes passed. Aside from the wind and the sound of the tv, there was no noise going on. I got fed up with the awkward silence, "This is stupid!" I said. "All the people missing could be in danger right now, but we're not supposed to do anything! Screw that! I'm leaving!"

"Wait!" Waver-san tried to stop me, "To break Miyako-sama's word is forbidden!"

Azaka-san also stepped in, "You mustn't!"

I reprimanded, "Oh come on! It's not like the door's locked." I grabbed the doorknob and pulled the door. Huh, guess I'm not locked up after all.

"Hey, Shirou's right!" Arc said, "And besides, if Mom, Dad, or Grandpa wanna punish us, well, it can't be helped! I wanna look for them, too!" She then looked at Ilya, "Besides, don't you wanna look for Caliburn?"

Ilya stood up, "Yeah!"

Kariya-san stammered, "But . . . but . . . surely, you can wait for just a little longer!"

Arc and Ilya stood by me. I said, "Forgive our selfishness, everyone, but we're bored and restless. You can stay if you like, but we're gonna look around."

Mikiya told us, "Be sure to get the cells working again, while you're at it!"

We stood in the hallway closing the door. Arc said, "I got an idea. Let's check out Gramps' study room."

I stated, "The study room? But, isn't that the room that you can't open from the outside without a key?"

She said, "Oh, I found a way around that." She led us to the door. At first, she knocked, "Hey Gramps! You in there?" There was no response. She then said, "Well then, I guess it was a good idea after all." She then pulled out an old key.

"Hey wait," I noted, "Isn't that one of the servant keys?"

She answered, "Uh huh. It's Waver's. He let me borrow it."

I countered, "But, aren't only the servants and Grandpa allowed keys?"

She replied, "That's not for you to know. It's a secret, a secret I can trust both of you with."

Ilya looked excited, "Ooh, a secret!"

Arc opened the door. We went in quietly. We looked around but couldn't find anyone nor anything.

Something flashed through my mind, "Hey, you know Gramp's doctor friend, Sougen-san? Have you seen him at all today?"

Arc shook her head, "No, but now that you mention it, maybe he's missing? Or maybe he's looking for the others with Mom?"

"Can't say for sure, but I don't think we'll find anything here. Anywhere else you wanna try?"

Arc thought for a moment, then replied, "The basement. There could be something in the basement. Or maybe the servant house . . ."

I reacted, "The servant house? But we're buried in snow! How could anyone get to the servant house in this weatherǃ?"

Arc bore a grin, "Oh, that's something else Waver told me. Somewhere in the basement is an underground passageway to the servant house."

Ilya said, "Ooooooh, like a secret! Maybe they're looking for Caliburn there!"

I thought, "Yeah, and if all those people are missing, maybe they just went to the servant house. Why they would go there, I don't know. Maybe Gramps is doing one of his things again, but let's go there next!"

When we exited the library, the door locked behind us as expected. Arc led us to the basement. Unlike the rest of the mansion, the path down to the basement was a simple, wide, in-elegant staircase. When we started going down, I could faintly hear Aunt Miyako faintly say, "I can hear footsteps!" She then came running up from the stairs. She spread her arms as if to stop us and begged, "What are you doing hereǃ? Don't go any farther! I forbid you!"

Arc snapped, "Don't stop us, Mom!" Thanks to the wide staircase, we were able to run past her.

"No! I beg you, no!" She shouted.

The basement. I've never been down here before. There's a boiler in here that heats up the house. There's a single old light fixture that dimly lights up the basement. Sougen-san was there, but his face was a concerned one, "No, children! Please, go back, _now!_"

"What_ever_, old timer!" Arc retorted.

And then . . . we stopped.

I understood everything now.

What I saw . . . could not be erased.

What I saw . . . was not of this world.

What I saw . . . was a pentagram drawn on the floor. The pentagram, however, consisted of five points not made from paint or ink.

Each point . . . consisted of Grandpa, Mom, Dad, Uncle Soichiro, and Otoko-san, lying on the ground, their feet pointed to the center of the pentagram.

They still had their clothes on, but their bodies.

The five bodies had been beaten into a bloody pulp.

Arc let out a blood-curdling scream. I faltered, "No . . . no . . . Mom . . . Dad . . . it wasn't supposed to end like this . . . IT WASN'T SUPPOSED TO END LIKE THIS!" I became incomprehensible by this point.

Aunt Miyako came back down. She embraced her daughter, "I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry!"

Ilya, strangely enough, wasn't crying. She was just looking at the bodies, like how a guest at a museum views an exhibit. She said calmly, "It's the first step. But you don't need to cry. Whoever enters Avalon can simply bring the dead back."

My wrath mixed in with my grief, "How can you say thatǃ? Aren't you the least bit sadǃ?"

She shook her head, "Avalon grants us eternal happiness."

I stood up, "Stop that! There is no Avalon! There is no Excalibur! Arturia isn't real! It's just a fantasy! A fantasy . . . to cover up the harshness of reality."

Ilya calmly replied, "You don't see it, Shirou, because you don't believe in it, but that's okay. Arturia is accepting of even those who don't see the truth-"

"-STOP THAT!" I shouted. I was about to slap her across the face, but she suddenly cowered away.

"Noooo! I did nothing wrong! I did nothing wrong! Don't make Shirou bad to me too! I DID NOTHING WRONG!"

Whoa . . . I seemed to have hit a raw nerve. Realizing what I nearly did, I fell to my knees. I was still sniveling, yet I managed to gesture to her, "Come here. I won't be a bad guy. I won't hurt you, even if you want to find the key."

She slowly stepped into my arms. After trying to make sense of this, Aunt Miyako decided to tell everyone what happened. The servants already knew, except for Kariya-san. He and Mikiya reacted the same way Arc and I did, but then again, who wouldn't? Sougen-san tried to assess the situation as best he could, "The first person to find them was Waver-kun. This happened about two hours ago, just after the children came to watch television. I was called in to examine as best I could without proper equipment. I can safely say they were all dead from blunt force trauma to the head. Based on the discoloration of their skin, I would estimate the time of death was several hours ago, around midnight."

Aunt Miyako continued, "This is a dangerous situation. The killer or killers may still be around, or even in this very room. Because of this, that's why I have this." She was carrying a case. She opened it and pulled out a single barrel pump-action shotgun. "Unless if my husband is accounted for, I am now the head of the household. If any of you try anything even re_motely_ suspicious, I will not hesitate to pull the trigger."

Mikiya asked, "Uh, I know this probably shouldn't matter, but, isn't it illegal to own a lethal firearm? Unless if Grandpa used to be a cop or a serviceman at one point?"

Aunt Miyako answered, "Your grandfather was rich. Rich people can get away with breaking the law now and again, and personally, I don't mind breaking it, for this is an extreme situation for all of us. Waver-kun, please tell everyone where we're going next."

Waver-kun stated, "In the basement, there is an entrance to a hidden underground passageway. This passageway leads to the servant house. We use it during times when it is too dangerous to step outside, such as today. I was the first to come through the passage and found . . . the deceased. However, we have reason to believe that the other missing people may be hiding in the servant house. Miyako-san and I will lead the way."

Aunt Miyako added, "And whatever you do, don't separate from the group."

* * *

"ERGH!" Kiritsugu grunted, as he moved a table in front of the passageway entrance.

He, Akiha, and Irisviel were in the servant house. They were all distraught. When Kiritsugu was finished, Akha asked, "Okay, just what in the hell did we all just see?"

Iris tried to put it in words, "Well, Father came in, all loud and boisterous. Then he started slandering all of us, like usual, then . . ."

"He did, something." Kiritsugu filled in. "And all of a sudden, there were people in medieval armor, killing us left and right."

Akiha became sullen, "Including Soichiro."

Iris looked at her cell phone, "I'm not getting any service."

Kiritsugu and Akiha also checked. "DAMN IT!" Akiha shouted, "Now of all times! This is a huge emergency!"

Before Kiritsugu could say anything, a thought filled his head, _Look at those spoiled rotten bitches. They survived, yet the others didn't? What a load. Hey, you three might be the only survivors at this point. If you got rid of those worthless sisters . . . everything would be yours. And Akiha would never, ever be able to say anything to your face again. And Iris would have to complain about her "bad luck" to you ever again. It would be bliss!_

Kiritsugu and Iris were talking about the situation, when her mind started thinking, _There they are, the inferior siblings. Not truthful nor pragmatic like you. They always rebuke you, say you're a mean hag, even though you're not. You're not mean; you're just smart. You didn't buy into Daddy's lies like they did. You could make it by even without any inheritance! Oh, but what joy it would be to wipe that smug look off their faces; what pleasure it would be!_

Iris started to zone out from whatever Kiritsugu and Akiha were talking about, and thought to herself, _The other siblings. Kiritsugu, Father's favorite, and Akiha, who had the good fortune of being the first Tohno female. They took everything away from you, just because you weren't born before them! Why should they have prestige because of something no one can controlǃ? Always harassing me, always getting on my case about Ilya . . . why, given the circumstances, now's a better time than ever to get rid of these arrogant pricks once and for all!_

"Alright, let's check the rest of the quarters, just to be safe." Kiritsugu ordered.

The three stepped into a sort of living room for the servants. The servant was not as ornate as the main house, but it wasn't run-down by any means. Indeed, it was quite pleasant. However, when the three siblings stepped in, they froze in their tracks. A man in a blue suit of armor wielding a red spear gazed at them. He smiled a devious smile, "Your wish is my command!"

* * *

We went down to the basement. Aunt Miyako had ordered the bodies to be covered with blankets, for I'm sure no one, least of all me, wants to see them like that. But when we got to the basement . . . it was gone! The bodies, the pentagram, the spilled blood, it was all gone! The whole floor was immaculate! Aunt Miyako was bewildered, "Wha-wha-where is everythingǃ?"

Sougen-san remarked, "I should be standing where the bodies are right now!"

Arc shouted, "What the hell's going onǃ? How could it just . . . vanish like thatǃ?"

Mikiya spoke up, but in a cold voice I wasn't used to hearing from him, "Miyako, is this your idea of a joke?"

Aunt Miyako responded, "No, it's not a joke at all! Your grandfather and father were found dead here. You saw it, right, Arcueid, Shirou-san, Ilya-chan, Waver-kun, Azaka-san, and Roa-san?"

Roa said in a blank voice, "That is correct. It is quite a conundrum, to say the least."

Ilya broke in, "Maybe Arturia didn't like how messy it was, so she cleaned up for us."

Aunt Miyako replied, "Maybe she did, but we need to get to the servant house. Waver-kun, if you would."

"Yes." He went up to what looked like just an ordinary section of the wall. He put his hand somewhere, like he was pressing a button. The wall pulled back inward like a door, showing a dark passageway illuminated by the occasional ceiling light.

"How neat." I remarked. We went down the passage. It wasn't that long, since the servant house was only a few meters away from the main house.

A staircase ascended to the servant house. Waver-kun tried to open the door, but it was locked. "My key . . ."

"Where is your key, Waver-kun?" Aunt Miyako asked.

"Right here." Arc said, producing the key in question.

"What on Earth were you doing with his key?" Her mother asked.

"None of your business."

Upon receiving his key, Waver-kun unlocked the door, only to find it wouldn't open past a crack. "There appears to be a table in the way."

"I will assist." Roa-san said. The two of them managed to push the table back enough to open the door. It was an awkward process, but it was eventually accomplished.

I had never been to the servant house before. It wasn't quite as breathtaking as the mansion, but I wouldn't mind living here, either. That is . . . if it wasn't for . . .

"KIRITSUGU!"

"FATHER!"

"MOTHER!"

Not far from the staircase, there lay the bodies of my Uncle Kiritsugu, my Aunt Akiha, and my Aunt Irisviel. Kariya was so disgusted, he vomited on the floor. I felt the tears racing down my face again, "Who would do such a thingǃ?"

Ilya went up to her mom's body, "She's free, now. She won't ever be possessed again. And when one of us enters Avalon, she will be the Mommy I always wanted."

I just realized something; maybe Ilya doesn't recognize the truth about death. Maybe that's why she doesn't appear to be devastated like us, because she just doesn't know any better. Thinking this made me cry even more.

We sat down to try to compose our thoughts. Sougen-san examined the bodies as best he could. He explained his findings, "They all appear to have been shot through the chest with a powerful firearm, I would guess a rifle. The wound looks identical on all three bodies, and considering how the bodies are lined up, they seem to have been hit with the same bullet."

Mikiya asked, "But if they were shot, wouldn't we have heard it?"

Sougen-san shook his head, "Unlikely. With the wind outside, coupled with the sound insulation between here and the main house, it would be unlikely anyone heard the shot."

A thought ran through my head, "Wait, did you say they were all hit with the same bullet? Now I know bullets can pass through more than one body, but when a bullet penetrates something, doesn't that distort the bullet? If so, shouldn't the wounds look slightly different?"

Sougen-san replied, "Every wound looks identical, as if the bullet wasn't weakened at all."

Aunt Miyako blurted, "Bullet . . . my gun! Where is itǃ?"

We all looked around. Azaka-chan asked, "Where's Waver?"

* * *

It was too dangerous to proceed as it was. In her moment of weakness, Miyako dropped the shotgun. Waver knew what needed to be done. When no one was looking, he took up the weapon and silently scoured the rest of the house. His hands firmly gripping the gun, he stalked down the halls and through the doors, taking a hand only to open doors. _I am a tool. I can be replaced if necessary_.

He checked the kitchen, the bedrooms, the lavatories, but to no avail. There was no sign of an intrusion, nothing disturbed, nothing out of the ordinary, save for the bodies of the fallen masters in the break room.

This only left one room to check; the wine cellar. The wine cellar was normally locked whenever Makihisa wasn't in need of liquor, so there was a good chance the killer would be in there. Using his key, he unlocked the door and entered, closing the door behind him. The cellar was lit, so Waver didn't need a flashlight to see. He walked slowly, checking every possible hiding place, until,

"You gonna shoot me with that?"

Waver shrieked. He spun around and saw what looked like a tall blonde man in gold knight armor. Waver steadied his aim and declared, "Throw your hands up. I will spare your life if you do."

The man grinned, "Come on, you know I did it!" He pointed his fingers at his head, "I've got no armor protecting my face. Go on, shoot me! Avenge your masters!"

Waver took aim. He pulled the trigger.

* * *

A loud gunshot roared in the distance. We all turned our heads, "Waver!"

"It sounded like it came from the wine cellar! Hurry!" Roa said.

Without even thinking, we all ran to wherever the wine cellar was. The door was closed, but unlocked. We ran in, and looked around. Aunt Miyako eventually found him, standing guard. "Oh thank God, Waver-kun! We thought you were . . ."

She stopped. She just noticed that she was looking at a reflection of Waver from a large wine bottle. Something seemed off. Why wasn't he turning around at the sound of her voice? She rounded the corner. She saw Waver's face reflecting off the wine bottles . . . as his head was sitting on a shelf, dripping blood.

Arc did that earth-shattering scream again. Kariya didn't vomit, but he came close to doing it again. I didn't know Waver-kun that well, so I wasn't crying . . . or maybe I had already run out of tears. Instead of pain, I was feeling something else; fear. Would I be next? Were we all going to die? Just then, Mikiya noted, "Hey, this is playing out just like Grandpa's riddle! Ilya, what were the steps needed to enter Avalon once you found Caliburn?"

She recited, "The first step is when the clock strikes midnight, a pentagram containing five sinners in the eyes of God."

I observed, "Five sinners . . . yeah, my dad was definitely a sinner, but that would explain the first murders . . . before the bodies vanished. What was the next one?"

"The second step was when sunlight penetrates the eye, three of blood and strife."

We thought of the three bodies. Aunt Miyako said, "That's right; Kiritsugu and his sisters were blood siblings, but they never got along. And they were probably killed in the early morning. So, with Waver-kun here, that must mean the next step was . . ."

"By the afternoon, one of the head."

Arcueid was breaking down, "Bastard! BASTARD! You're killing us according to a legend!"

I then said, "Wait a moment. The killer is using the epithet as a guideline. Ilya, what were the next steps?"

"By the evening, one of the torso. By the twilight, two inseparable by love. By one day after the beginning, those who do not possess Caliburn will be offered as sacrifices."

Mikiya stated, "So unless we find Caliburn, we're all done for. But then again, the next murder shouldn't happen until the evening."

Sougen-san was looking at the single bullet that Waver fired. It made a single large hole in the wall. Wait, I thought he had a shotgun? Don't those fire pellets? He was telling us about that, then I asked, "Say, what gun is that exactly? Like the model and make?"

Aunt Miyako answered, "It's a Remington Model 870 12-gauge shotgun. For those wondering what Sougen-san was saying about the shot, we don't use scattershot pellets. We use rifled slugs, as in the entire cartridge is the round."

Mikiya remembered, "Oh yeah. Several years ago, I played a video game wherein the shotgun could use both kinds of ammunition. The rifled slugs had a longer effective range, but couldn't hit multiple targets. The scattershot could hit multiple enemies, and be devastating at close range, but it had a shorter effective range."

Just then, a nasty thought ran through my head, "Hey, Dr. Sougen-san, you said my uncle and aunts were hit with a rifle round, right? Could a 12-gauge slug also be that powerful?"

He replied, "I am not a ballistics expert, but I think it's possible."

I deducted, "So the killer may have used that gun to kill them, but why?"

There was a pause. All of a sudden, Aunt Miyako snapped, "Don't look at me, Shirou-san! I have no reason to kill my husband, or anyone else for that matter!"

I replied, "Whoa, easy! I didn't say you did! You can keep using the gun if you want!"

There was a pause. Everyone could feel the tension between us. Eventually, Aunt Miyako broke the silence, "We'll return to the break room. We'll cover the bodies until we can contact the police. There is food and drinks in the servant house. We'll stay here until the phones work again. Doing anything like what Waver-kun did could very well lead to your death, so do as I say." We then did just that; we retired to the break room, we covered the bodies, we barricaded the doors and windows as best we could, and we waited. We waited for the killer to make the next move.

* * *

The distinctive plop, plop, plop of high-heeled shoes echoed throughout the wine cellar. The person walking went up to the head of Waver, "Poor little Waver." She said, caressing the servant's cheeks, "Gilgy went all out, didn't he? He didn't even leave me a body behind, just a head." She cackled, "Just ahead! Why is it always the stupidest puns that leave the greatest effect on the soul? If only Makihisa made this easier."


	17. Curse of the Tohno Clan P 3

We had all gathered in the break room. The clock ticked away the seconds as we waited out the storm. Nothing happened as the hours passed, though I was still trying to sort everything out.

Dad and Other Mom, dead. Grandpa, dead. Two of my aunts, dead. Two of my uncles, dead. Any one of us could be next. What was going to happen to the Tohno family, now that Grandpa, and most of his kids were now killed? Would Aunt Miyako take over? I wouldn't know, I'm not an expert on this sort of thing.

During this lull, Arc admitted something, "Mom, there's something you need to know. Waver, um, do you know why I was holding onto his key? It was because . . . it was because he trusted me with it. He trusted me because, well, he liked me. And I liked him, too. More than anyone at school, anyhow." She sniveled, "And now he's gone! My first boyfriend is . . headless!" She collapsed onto her mother's lap.

"Oh Arcueid!" She tried to comfort her, but it was painful for all of us.

More hours passed. The storm finally stopped, but there was still a pile of snow outside. The phones still had no reception. It wasn't just the cell phones, either. There's a land line that goes to a mountain station nearby, but that wasn't working at all. Could the killer be using something to jam our phones? It sounds more like something I'd see in a video game than real life; someone wants to kill the Tohno family for one reason or another, goes in as far as to render our cells useless, is able to kill people through bludgeoning, gunshots, and even beheading, but why? Money? Revenge? I know Grandpa made enemies throughout his life, but I can't imagine anyone going through the trouble of slaughtering him and his relatives for whatever he may've done in the past. In fact, the way the blizzard is working, it's almost . . . like the killer controlled the weather. That's right! There was that scene from The Lord of the Kings when the Fellowship couldn't go up the mountain because the weather was being controlled by . . .was it Sauron, or that English actor that's in a lot of movies?

Wait! What am I thinkingǃ? Magic doesn't work in real life, because it doesn't exist! The madness of everything must be getting to me. That, or the hunger. More hours passed. It was about the start of the evening. The food in the servant house was all gone. Sure, there was the wine cellar, but I don't think intoxication is a good idea right now. But more than that, we were tired; we were all wired up expecting someone or something to make a move, but it was all for naught. Except for that servant boy's death, nothing has happened since then.

Aunt Miyako was talking to the remaining servants about something. She addressed to us, "Roa and Azaka are going back to the main house to get food and supplies. We are to wait here."

Mikiya stood up, "Hold on! That's too dangerous! The killer is waiting for us to split up! That's how they got Waver! And seriously, going alone without the gun, are you insaneǃ?"

Roa quietly asserted, "We are tools. We are expendable."

Mikiya protested, "That's not true! If we . . . if we lose any more people, I just might lose it. Please, _please_ reconsider! I can survive without food for a little longer!"

Roa, his voice still quiet, replied, "I am trained to fight to the death, as is Azaka-chan. If anything happens, we'll be ready."

"-But-"

"-That's enough, Mikiya." Aunt Miyako broke in. "We discussed this, and I appreciate their willingness to sacrifice themselves. Do not say another word until they return." Whoa, she's scaring me. Even if she wasn't armed, my heart still would've skipped a beat.

Mikiya-aniki sat down wordlessly as the servants went back down the underground tunnel. I understand his concern, but we may be stranded for many more hours, and food and water would make the wait more bearable. Again, I could do nothing but wait.

* * *

Roa and Azaka had made it back into the main house with no difficulty. The halls were silent; the tv wasn't on, people were not talking, and the silence made Azaka uncomfortable, "Roa-san-"

"-Quiet." Roa whispered. "The killer may be hiding in here. We must not give ourselves away."

Azaka nodded as they continued for the kitchen. Everything was still in its place. Azaka grabbed the wheeled tray, and the two loaded it up with food and drinks. Once they got all the things they could carry, they proceeded out of the kitchen . . . then stopped.

* * *

A clock ticked down every second that passed. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Each sound sounded like a step closer to death, or at least, that's how I saw it.

That was until the door into the passageway suddenly slammed open. Azaka came running in, carrying a handful of snacks to her chest, nearly out of breath.

Aunt Miyako stood up, "What's wrong, Azaka-chan? Where's Roa-san?"

Azaka-chan said, "(pant) Roa-san, (pant) the killer, (pant) we found, (pant) the killer!"

"WHATǃ?"

Aunt Miyako held her shotgun, "There's no time! Hurry!"

I reached for a hatstand, "Leave some for me!"

We all rushed with tools for weapons back through the tunnel. For one brief moment, we weren't scared of death. We all knew instinctively that if we could nab this bastard right here and now, we would be safe.

"Where was he?" Someone asked.

"Just outside the kitchen!"

We continued running until we got to the kitchen . . . and found the body of Roa-san. Azaka-chan shrieked, but the rest of us were just silent; we were used to it by now. Aunt Miyako and some of the others continued "Sweeping" the mansion, but found no one. I looked at the body with Sougen-san.

Roa-san's body was relatively intact, save for a big hole where his lower torso should be. "It kind of looks like someone punched a hole through him . . . you think the killer used a sword, or something like that?"

Sougen-san answered, "Unlikely. His wound goes all the way to his back; even the spinal column there is gone. Bladed instruments usually can't cut bone, or do so very clumsily, in spite of popular belief."

"By the evening, one of the torso." Ilya's voice broke in.

My eyes lit up, "Hey, you're right! It's still playing out like the riddle!"

The rest of the survivors returned, although they couldn't find the killer. Azaka-chan did describe the killer for us, "It was a young man, maybe more like a teenage boy. He was scrawny, yet muscular. He had an elaborate tattoo pattern all across his body, and, oh yeah! He was shirtless, wearing a red robe that covered only his lower half. Does this sound like anyone you know?"

We shook our heads. But I gotta think about this; a boy with tattoos and a red robe killing all of us? Something's not right. One person can kill a group of people, yes, but the different ways the dead have died . . . don't seem to comply with the MO of just one person. I mean, the butler, it looks like someone punched a hole through him. I dunno how you could do that, unless of course, you went Super Saiyen, _no!_ That's absurd, Shirou! Don't be like Ilya!

Just then, someone broke my train of thought, "This is insane!" Mikiya shouted, "If we stay here, we're just gonna die!" He took out his cell phone, which still wasn't working properly, "There's a station a few kilometers from here. I'm going."

"Wha~" Kariya-san shouted.

"Don't!" Aunt Miyako exclaimed, "I forbid you! They may even be waiting for you there!"

Mikiya argued, "And you would rather stay here, and see everyone you love die in the most gruesome fashionǃ? Not me! I'd rather take my chances with the outside then stay here. You can hate me all you want, but I need to get out of here."

There was an awkward silence. I broke it, "I think he has a point. Whoever is doing this seems to have the upper hand. If we all stay here, we'll just be fighting a losing battle. I won't join you, Mikiya, but you should be free to do this. Who knows? You just may be the one to save us all."

Aunt Miyako was deep in thought. She then resigned, "Very well. There's a flashlight near the front door. Take it. We'll stay here."

All of a sudden, Azaka-chan blurted out, "I'll come with you!"

We all turned our heads at the young maid, including Mikiya, "Are you sure? It could be dangerous."

Azaka-chan stated, "The storm has ended, and I can shovel away whatever snow has piled up outside. And besides, it's the least that I can do as a tool."

There's that word again; what does she mean by that? Did Grandpa really only see his servants as "tools"? Aunt Miyako affirmed, "I'll allow it. Be sure to bundle up."

The duo prepared themselves for the trek outside, that was, until, "WAIT! The riddle, remember? Is it the twilight yet?"

Mikiya waved his hand in disbelief, "That's impossible! We're not lovers! And even if someone comes, I'll jab 'em with something! Uh, is there something like a fireplace poker I could use?"

This made me uneasy, but none of us tried to sway them. They were deadset. Meanwhile, the rest of us just waited in the living room again. This time, we had access to the main mansion kitchen, but we still had no idea of what to do, except wait.

* * *

Mikiya, with a flashlight in hand, and Azaka, with a snow shovel in hand, were trudging through the snow. The cloud cover showed no stars, giving the illusion of a pitch black sky. As they marched, their breath visible in the cold air, Azaka said, "It didn't happen the way you wanted it to."

Mikiya smirked, "Guess not. I don't think Grandpa's gonna care about us being together if he's dead, huh? If I were morbid, I would say today's turn of events was a blessing in disguise, but I won't."

Azaka blushed, "How can you make such a joke at a time like this?"

Mikiya himself blushed, "Because when I'm with you, I'm not afraid of anything."

Not far up from their position was a source of light. The two approached it. It was someone holding an old-fashioned lantern. "Hello there!" Mikiya called out, "We need help!"

The person came up to them, although the person appeared as though they were gliding off the ground. Once the source of light was close, they saw that it was a woman wearing a purple-and-black cloak. She said to them, "You've strayed outside of the boundary, Azaka, and you even brought one of the players along with you? Such naughty behavior on your part!"

Azaka froze. She knew that voice, "Medea, is that really you? Are you the one carrying out the killings?"

Medea said, "I can't answer that. Doing so would ruin the fun."

Mikiya interrupted, "Wait, you know this woman?"

Medea said for Azaka, "But of course. I have been an invited guest for Makihisa every now and then to help out with his ceremonies. And what luck that two lovers should show up."

Mikiya's eyes became intense, "So it's true; you _are_ the killer, or one of them. Azaka, hold this." He offered her the flashlight, "You've been waiting here to kill us, that's pre-meditation right there. All I need is motive, and I can end this."

Medea snickered, "You are eager for bloodshed, I see. So be it." She drew a curved dagger. "Take one more step toward this direction, and I will be forced to cut you."

Mikiya made a devious smile, "We could stay here, and see our family get slaughtered like cattle, or we could go toward our salvation; I opt for the LATTER!"

He charged at Medea in an attempt to tackle her down. The cloaked woman not only evaded him, but knocked him off him feet. His face planted into the snow, but before he could get up, Medea thrusted her dagger into the back of his neck, again, and again, and again.

Azaka shrieked, "No, no no no no _no!_"

Medea, now soaked in blood, licked her lips, and looked at the maid, "What are you afraid of? You're a tool; you can be replaced, unlike him."

Upon hearing those words, a newfound determination arose in Azaka's face, "You're right. The only thing I can do at this point is at least save those who are still alive." She casted down both the shovel and the flashlight. She held up her hands, and from her palms came a new source of light; floating flames. "Sorry, but you're not welcome tonight."

* * *

The grandfather clock continued ticking down the seconds as the night progressed. All the feelings I had experienced earlier in the day were now being mixed in with another insidious feeling; boredom. You could see it in our faces. It's impossible to fall asleep in a situation like this. In an attempt to break the spell of boredom, Kariya-san said, "You know what I was gonna make everyone?"

I was about to ask, _what?_ But I couldn't. Something else broke our silence; my ringtone. We all were shocked, my cell phone was going off. I reached into my pocket. The caller ID displayed, "Chubu call." I flipped it open, and hesitated to ask, "Hello?"

A female voice responded, "Hello, Shirou. Are you enjoying yourself?"

My face tensed. "How do you know my name?"

She giggled, "Your grandfather told me, that's how!"

Her voice sounded familiar somehow. She _kind of_ sounded like the anime voice actress Ayako Kawasumi, but I doubt it was really her. I had another idea as to who it was, an idea I'd rather not say out loud. Still, I had to ask, "Who is this? How were you able to get through? And just what the hell is going on?"

Her voice never wavered, "One at a time, Shirou. By the way, speaking to just you is boring. Let's set up a party line, shall we?"

Everyone else's phone started ringing. I nodded to signify to answer it. First to answer after me was Aunt Miyako. I could hear the woman saying to her, "Hello, Miyako. Such a brave person, taking all of these children in for yourself, why, you deserve an award!" My aunt gritted her teeth, but said nothing.

Next to answer was Doctor Sougen. I heard her say, "Jinan, such loyalty you have demonstrated for Makihisa. If you knew what was in store, would you have still walked down this path?"

He asked her, "What is the meaning of all this?"

She laughed, "In due time, good doctor. In due time."

Next was Kariya-san. When she spoke, he was in shock, "Kariya, when you retired from the restaurant industry, you never imagined something like this happening, did you? The rituals of witches aren't exactly in your job description, right?" She then let out an evil cackle of a laugh.

Arc's phone rang. She answered it. I heard the woman start with, "Arcue-"

"-GO TO HELL, BITCH!" Arc shouted. She then hung up on the woman. I gotta say, that was a good jolt to my eardrums.

Then Ilya's phone finally rang, which she promptly answered. Our guest said, "We meet again, dearest Ilyasviel."

Ilya broke into a wide, happy smile, "Arturia!" She blurted out.

So it's confirmed. Our greatest fear has been confirmed. "Arturia" continued, "Yes, it's me! Have you been a good girl since I was gone?"

"Uh huh! It's sad what happened to Mommy, though."

The woman said, "Really? I thought that's what you wanted; retribution for what she had done to you."

Huh? Is this about all those rumors? Ilya said, "Yeah, but she was still my Mommy, and even then, if I get Caliburn, I'll bring her back with everyone else."

The woman sounded perked up, "Oh yes, that's right! You're the only one taking this seriously still. Well in that case, I'll give you a hint, and only you a hint." All of a sudden, I could hear only a dial tone.

Ilya listened intently, nodding her head, going _uh huh_ occasionally. She then concluded, "It was nice speaking to you again, Arturia!" The moment she hung up, she bolted off somewhere.

"Wait!" Aunt Miyako shouted. She chased after her. I did too.


	18. Curse of the Tohno Clan P 4

Ilya ran off toward the direction of the library. We got to the door, only to find it closed. "Open up! It's too dangerous!" I pleaded while.

Aunt Miyako demanded, "Don't isolate yourself, sweetie! We're trying to save you!"

No response.

I continued to knock, "It's all a trick! There's no key! They're just tricking you so that they can kill you! Run out!" Still no response. I then turned to my aunt, "Has anyone tried to break down the door?"

Miyako shook her head, "No! This is solid! You can't move it without a key!"

I then said, "But if you haven't actually tried, you couldn't know! Wait here, I'm gonna find me a battering ram."

I briskly walked away. Miyako cried out my name, but I ignored it. I was back near the entrance. What could I use? Hmm . . . hey, the hatstand. I'm somewhat short for my age, but I do have a good deal of upper body strength. I threw off the hats on the stand, (don't think anyone would care if I make a mess now, given the circumstances) and held the hatstand, which was about as tall as me, like a pike. I marched back to the library entrance . . . only to not find Miyako. "Hello? Ilya-aneki? Auntie Miyako? Someone, anyone!" Great, more suspicious crap, but I can't buckle under pressure now. I cried out, "Stand away from the door! I'm breaking it down!" I took a few steps back, and then charged, top end forward, at the door. Within a few seconds, I was on the ground, my arms and shoulders in great pain, and door still intact. But that's nothing. When you're recently orphaned, not much shakes you up by that point. I stood up, picked up the hatstand, and . . .

I heard a loud, high-pitched laugh, no, more like cackle. This was no ordinary laughter, it was unearthly. I left the hallway, trying to locate the source. I looked around and demanded, "WHO'S THEREǃ?"

And then . . . I saw her face. Except this wasn't the portrait. This was Arturia, standing on the foyer in the flesh. She looked exactly like the portrait, except her smile was not a composed one, but a devilish one bearing her teeth, "Congratulations, Shirou Tohno! You have won! You have found the key! You will enter Avalon with me!"

My breath quickened, "Listen, I don't know who you are, but if you're here to help, then contact the police already!"

She made a brief giggle, "Oh, you know _exactly_ who I am."

I dropped the hatstand (yeah, I'm pretty sure this isn't Caliburn or Excalibur), and took a good look at her. "You look just like the woman my grandfather is obsessed with. A woman of Anglo descent named Arturia. But that's impossible. You're most likely an imposter familiar with Grandpa's fairy tale, trying to scare me before you kill me like the others."

She cackled again, "Reallyǃ? So that's how you rationalize itǃ? You truly cannot pay for entertainment like this!"

"STOP LAUGHING! My family is dead! If you're not going to kill me, then save me!"

Her smile eased into the one the portrait showed, "Very good. I have no reason to kill you, since you have won, although it's not like death is permanent."

She must be referring to the epithet on the portrait. I don't have that memorized, but I think since I'm the only one around who isn't dead, I probably won by default (unless if the stand was the key the whole time). But what does she mean by "Death is not permanent"? Don't tell me she's also insane. Trying to regain my calm, I said, "The first thing we need to do is figure out to un-jam the cell phone signals."

She made that devilish smile again, "Oh what? You think humans can save you now? Such naivete! Only someone with true power can save you now. You should be lapping praise unto me and counting your blessings that I manifested now."

"Like hell! I want out of this place! And I want the authorities here too!"

She eased her smile, "Very well. As the winner of the contest, it would be rude of me to turn down a request from the victor, but to do those things, you must agree to one thing."

"And what would that be?"

"You must become my tool."

Tool? That's that word the servants always referred to themselves as. I asked, "And if I refuse?"

"And deny your only chance into entering Avalon? Heh! You may as well throw yourself off the cliffside now, because refusing my offer is tantamount to suicide."

Realizing the fates of everyone else I know, it really seems this "Arturia" is my only chance at staying alive. "Okay. I'll be a 'tool' if that makes you happy."

"IESU!" She said in accented English. A document materialized in my left hand, "Now all that remains is for you to sign on the bottom line, so that you are officially a tool of mine."

A feather pen appeared in my other hand. I signed my name on the document. (The document itself was printed in a language I couldn't read.) The pen and paper vanished. "All done! Now we have entered Avalon!"

The scene was now the library. Ilya was nowhere to be found, nor anyone else besides the two of us. I asked, "Already? But it looks like we're still in Grandpa's mini-library."

She replied, "Don't be fooled by appearances, young Shirou Tohno. It may look like you're still in the mansion, but that's really only because I constructed the Tohno mansion for our entrance into Avalon." She lost her smile, "But this dress is hard to move in. Shirou, as my tool, I order you to undress me and change me into something easier to move around in."

I blushed furiously at this while a clothesline of feminine clothes materialized. I nervously asked, "But, uh, wouldn't you be naked if I did that?"

She smiled, "Oh, come now! Tools don't care if you undress in front of them!"

" . . . _yes they do!_"

She laughed, "Don't be absurd! You're my tool now! It's not in your place to do anything other than what you're told!"

That conniving little . . . ergh! It's worthless! Having no alternative, I . . . I stripped her down, and changed her into a Japanese schoolgirl uniform, one that was with a long-sleeved white shirt, a blue miniskirt, and gray stockings. And before any of you get the wrong idea, yes, she looked nice with no clothes on, but having witnessed the death of my family mere hours ago, I was a _little_ too traumatized to become aroused, now shut up already! After that, she remarked, "There! That wasn't so hard, now was it?"

I couldn't say anything. I just stared at her. She stopped grinning and instead looked flustered, "Hey now! Tools are happy to serve! If you're not being used, then you sulk in boredom and depression till your master summons you again! The fact that I'm using you now is more reason you should lap praise unto me!"

Weird. I wouldn't expect an outburst like that from her, or was it the clothes that changed her? She then said, in a more even voice, "But still, tools are hard to trust when they're new. Let's see if this binding spell works."

"What binding spell?" I asked.

She smiled, "Try walking out of the room."

I did, then all of a sudden, I felt a choking sensation. I was yanked back away from the door. She laughed, "It works! With this active, you won't be able to cause any trouble, just as I hoped. And now, to the Witches' Ball!"

She walked ahead of me, dragging me along with what appeared to be an invisible leash. The ground floor of the mansion seemed to transform itself when we were in there. No longer a dark collection of rooms and hallways, the entire floor was one wide room, brightly lit, and packed to the brim with people, including . . . Grandfather! Dad! Other Mom! My aunts and uncles! My Cousins! The servants! Even Dr. Sougen! They were all alive, and in one piece again!

But, there were other people too. People with . . . fairy wings on their back, and people with horns on their head, and some dressed like, like _her._ Roa-san was standing at the bottom of the staircase. He announced, "Presenting the Mistress of ceremonies, Miss Arturia Pendragon!"

The . . . new people cheered. The witch smiled as she dragged me down the stairs. When she got to the bottom, she said, "I apologize for the delay. This new tool here was a bit stubborn, but now that the ceremony is complete, let us feast!"

A chorus of cheers and yelps broke out. An orchestra started playing, even though there were no musicians in sight. Arturia dragged me to a person in a black suit with . . . a black goat's head. What? This person then took their head off. Phew! Just a mask! The wearer was a girl with long indigo hair. Her purple pupiless eyes looked at Arturia, "Your new tool is hardly housebroken, Arturia. Look at how he fidgets; are you sure you bound him to your will?"

Arturia chuckled, "Oh don't worry, he's mine. Now, which one are you again? Are you the librarian of the Scarlet Mansion? Or are you the Witch of Miracles?"

Without changing her droll face, she briefly glanced at me, then looked back at the witch, "The latter."

"Oh, ha ha! You two look and act so similarly, I couldn't be sure."

The other witch monotoned, "Except unlike the person you're thinking of, I wouldn't have my nose buried in a tome of druidic magic practices, now would I?"

Arturia let out a boisterous laugh. The two made small talk about stuff I didn't understand; old friends I guess. She then dragged me elsewhere. I came across Other Mom, "Ichiko-san! Sorry for rejecting you! Let's make up! I don't mind if you're my legal guardian!" but she didn't pay attention, like she couldn't perceive me.

Arturia then dragged me elsewhere. I saw Uncle Soichiro chatting with some fairy people. He had to have seen me, but he didn't even so much as tilt his head. Then all of a sudden, I saw Grandfather . . . _smiling_. (what the _fuuuuuuuk?_) He said, "You still owe me a match, Arturia."

Arturia did her cackle again, "I can't believe you remembered after all this time, Makihisa! So I guess it's true then; you really do care for me, don't you?"

He laughed exuberantly (this can't be Makihisa!), "I went this many years without disturbing the board, and it was your turn, so it's your move."

"Very well then." she looked at me, "Tools make for excellent furniture. Shirou, if you would."

"What?" I tried to ask, before I felt the choking sensation again. I was down on my knees, and with my hands touching the ground like I was bowing before a shogun. She then sat down on my back and started playing Go, with her ass wearing me out in the process.

I said, "Hey, uh, Grandpa, I guess those rumors about you loving an English woman more than my grandmother were true after all. But, uh, do you know what's going on? Last time I saw you, you were lying dead in the basement. Unless if I've lost my mind, how are you still . . . doing stuff?"

They ignored me. Arturia said to him, "By the way, your grandson Shirou agreed to become my tool. You don't mind, do you?"

Makihisa made a scowl, "He is a degenerate and a pervert. I want nothing to do with him. You may use him as you see fit."

I became furious, "Hey, I'm right here, jackass! For the record, I'm not as much of a perv as you think! You ever met my online friends? _Those_ are some real degenerates right there!" I then remembered something. "Oh wait, I get it. It's because I don't have Wartime values like you, isn't it? Actually, that's not true! I also think women are only good for gestation and raising kids! They shouldn't meddle in the affairs of men!"

He said to her, "Can you believe this nonsense they taught Shirou in the public schools? Equality between sexes, equality between races, equality between the rich and poor. HA! What a joke!"

I got angrier, "Wait, so you _were_ listening to me, huh? What about everyone else-"

-But before anyone could react, the sound of broken glass shattered the mood. Someone had jumped through the second story window over the main entrance, and landed without a scratch right on the dance hall. It was a teenage girl with short black hair dressed like she was going to school in the summer, but she wasn't here for school. "Everyone!" She shouted, "You're all being used!"

Arturia stood up (thankfully), then growled, "_You._"

This girl, she looked like someone I had seen before, but where? She continued, "You shouldn't be here! You're being used by evil people!"

Arturia and her entourage of goat-people surrounded the intruder. She warned, "I'm terribly sorry, little girl, but you're not an invited guest. Go back the way you came right now, before-"

"-Even you are being used!" She countered.

Arturia's mouth dropped, and her voice dropped an octave, "_How could you know that?_"

But this girl, it's weird. She doesn't look very feminine. If it weren't for her boobs and her short height, I'd mistake her for a guy. Yeah, there was someone I knew who I used to joke about, and she would get upset every time I . . . no. That's not who I think it is, is it? "Sis?"

She leaped over the goatheads and approached me, "Shirou, you _idiot!_ Why did you sign a contract with herǃ?"

"Um . . . I . . . how did you get here? And what's going on?"

She drew a knife, "No time to explain!" Her eyes started glowing blue. The goatheads tried to manhandle her, but she cut them all down effortlessly.

Wow, I don't remember my younger sister being this kickass! I just remember her always reading books on the occult quietly . . . I guess she was preparing for a situation like this. I then cried out, "Well if you're here, maybe we can save everyone!"

Sis responded, "It's no use. The others aren't programmed to react to your presence right now." What? I mean, I've gotten used to the surreal now, but . . . _what?_

Arturia said, "Well, you seem to be behaving rather out of character for this scenario. Aren't you supposed to be bed-ridden? Or perhaps one of my servants brought you here?"

Sis smiled, "You're right; I am being rather out of character. I shouldn't be this excitable." She then craned her head side to side, like she was shaking out some thoughts. She continued, "Perhaps merging my memories with another person will do that to you, though that's an experience I'm not all too unfamiliar with."

What was she talking about? All of a sudden, I saw Arturia forming another sinister smile, "Just how much do you know?"

Sis looked at her and said, "You are King Arthur."

I reacted, "What? But, she's a girl! And . . . and . . ."

"Avalon, Caliburn, originally from Britain? Sounds Arthurian, wouldn't you agree?"

Arturia didn't lose her composure, "Would you like to repeat that in red?"

What the hell? Repeat in red? _Words, don't, have, color!_

"Give me the power."

Arturia declared, "You now have the capacity to speak the absolute truth in red."

Sis then said, "You are Arthur, king of the Britons." But when she said that, the words she spoke seemed to "form" in front of her, in blood red no less.

"Arthur" laughed, "Very good, Shiki! Very good! Now, what else?"

Sis said, "Somehow, you forgot your purpose, so you ended up as the Golden Witch, otherwise known as Beatrice. I must say, your resemblance is rather close to the last person who held that title."

"Arthur" waved a finger, "Unh uh uh! It doesn't count if you don't say it in red!"

Sis tried to speak, but her lips kept parting in a way to make her unable to form words. "Ugh! It's like my mouth can't speak the words!"

"Arthur" said, "I wasn't hoping to have this game with you. I'd rather play with Shirou now. Hope you don't mind spending time with my servants!"

She waved her hand, and a black gap formed below Sis. "Wagh!" she yelled as she fell.

I shouted, "What have you done with her-YAGH!" There's that yank again.

"Don't speak out of turn. I have a challenge for you." The rather feminine king of the Round Table said, "I will bring your family back, sister included, if you can solve a mystery for me. That mystery being, who did it? Who killed your family that night? There is one caveat; you must prove that the killer or killers did not use any magic in their actions. Magic would be something that is impossible, like the fact that everyone is suddenly alive again. If you can do that, I'll forget this whole charade."

After hearing that, a menacing smile of my own formed, "Funny you should say that. I was thinking of how the murders played out during those long stretches of boredom, and I have my own theories."

She chuckled, "Good. Let's hear them."

I spoke, "First off, the first murder, we found five deceased people: Grandpa, Dad, Stepmom, Uncle Soichiro, and the old maid. However, in that time, I did not actually touch any of the bodies, for I did not want to tamper with evidence. However, later that day, the bodies vanished, and I believe I know how; one of the five wasn't dead to begin with!"

She made that cackle, "Oh, this is good! Just what I wanted to hear! Now, who would do such a thing?"

I declared, "Easy; my dear old man! Kotomine is notorious for, well, a lot of things, and I can see him offing these people, then playing possum himself to throw us off."

"Arthur" noted, "Huh, you sure are quick to point fingers at your own father. But, pray tell, what happened to the bodies?"

I answered, "Simple! Dad had access to an acid that eats up bodies completely, leaving no trace behind! He did this to throw off everyone, as well as leave no evidence for the authorities."

"Arthur" paused, like she was holding back something. That thing she was holding back was riotous laughter. She laughed and laughed and laughed, "An acid that eats bodies, oh, that's such a . . . a ha ha ha!"

I narrowed my eyes, "I saw that in a videogame, and considering my family's background, I wouldn't put it past Grandpa to have something like that."

She then spoke, but when she spoke, the words she said formed in red in front of me, "Kotomine Kirei was dead when you saw him. The bodies were not dissolved by acid. Kotomine Kirei was not responsible for any of the deaths that day."

I choked, "Whuh, uh, god damn! It _is_ all worthless! But don't think that you've won, yet! There's another theory I have for the murders!"

She made an evil smile, "Oh really? What harebrained scheme killed your family now?"

I declared, "It was an uprising by the servants!"

"Do tell, _do tell!_"

I explained, "Grandpa was an asshole of the highest degree. All of the problems of the family, read, _all_ of the problems of the family can be traced back to him. And who would most likely be inclined to violently rebel against the head of the Tohno? The embattered servants, of course! He treated my uncle, aunt, and aneki like crap, but he had the expectation of them carrying his name. The servants, on the other hand? Well, you phrase it best, he saw them as nothing more than tools, furniture, non-living entities! And today, the day that my family reunited, with my dad showing up for the first time in years, and with my stepmom for the first time, this made the perfect opportunity to finally get revenge!"

I paused for a breath, then continued, "But it wasn't just a crime of passion, you know all the wealth my family has! Monetary cash, shares of stock, material possessions from the UK, a beautiful mansion, your own private helicopter and pilot, the servants were the ones who maintained all of this, shouldn't they be the ones to reap the benefits of their reward?"

"Arthur" said, "That's all well and good, but exactly how did they carry out these killings?"

I answered, "When I was coming to the family room, I overheard Roa-san say something about someone not being in the master bedroom. Later, he whispered into Aunt Miyako's ear, presumably about the first murders. Therefore, it stands to reason that he was the one to batter them all to death! Grandpa did have some cool walking canes in his collection, after all." I then paused, "Oh what? You're not gonna say something visibly red?"

"Arthur" replied, "No. I would only do that if you said something blatantly wrong. If you wish to believe that conjecture, you may."

I pointed my finger, "So that means I'm _right!_"

She corrected, "No, it just means you aren't making a fool of yourself. But tell me, how else does this play out?"

I grinned, "I got this! Later, we found the bodies of Kiritsugu, Akiha, and Irisviel, my uncle and other two aunts dead in the servant house. It appeared that they were shot through the chest. The murder weapon was likely the shotgun firing a rifled slug. From the way their bodies were positioned, it looked like they were hit with one shot. However, Dr. Sougen and I reasoned that one slug would distort when passing through multiple bodies, creating different wounds, yet the wounds on all three looked identical. There is strong sound insulation between the servant house and the main house, therefore, the killer fired three shots, carried the spent shells away, and positioned the bodies to make it look like one shot was used; a classic red herring!"

I waited again. "Arthur" stated, "I'll allow it." She chuckled, "Perhaps I underestimated you. You're not as stupid as you look!"

"I'm like a book cover, ya know?" I then continued, "But here's where it starts getting tricky. By this point, the rebellion was all-out. Now, the masters, or those remaining, began to fight back, starting with Waver-kun being their first victim. Somehow, he was decapitated, with no sign of his body, and his head left behind as an example. The details of this I have not worked out, however, there is this to consider. Later that day, Roa-san and Azaka-chan went pantry raiding and encountered what Azaka-chan claimed to be a skinny dark-skinned guy. Roa-san died, Azaka-chan lived. Later, she and Mikiya-aniki left the house to go look for help. Neither of them have been seen since. But then again, it's possible that perhaps not all of the servants wanted in with this plot. Perhaps Roa-san was still loyal to Grandpa, so he was made an example of . . . BY AZAKA-CHAN! WHO LATER KILLED MY COUSIN AWAY FROM THE HOUSE!"

"Arthur" was laughing maniacally, "Yes! YES! THAT'S IT, SHIROU! THAT'S THE DISPOSITION OF A MAN IN DIRE STRAITS!" She continued howling in laughter.

"Um . . ."

"No, I am not going to deny anything in red; it may very well be true, and therein lies the fun! But, pray tell, what happens after that?"

I continued, "Yes, and that brings us to the last piece of the puzzle, Kariya-san!"

All of a sudden, I heard a voice cry out, "_Hear me, players! I have come for you!_"

Huh? What? Who was that? It sounded like a middle-aged man. "Come for us"? That's not Death, is it? All of a sudden, he spoke again, "_I have come to release you from your shackles!_"

I couldn't hold it in any longer, "Do you hear that?"

"Arthur" grinned, "Yes, I hear it; the tumultuous sound of your crushing defeat! YA HA HA HA HA HA!"

I should've expected as much, but then the voice boomed, "_GEM OF RESTORATION, RESTORE THESE MEMORIES!_"

I saw a bright flash. When my vision restored, I said, "As I was saying, Kariya was the most suspect in this case."

Saber flashed a gentle smile, "That's a very good guess, Shirou, but you're wrong." She then looked around, "Wait, where are we?"

I also looked, "Hey, good question. What is this place? And why am I wearing such nice clothes?"

Elsewhere, I heard a cacophony of voices sounding off,

"This isn't the end, Kotomine!" "Help me, Rider! I'm surrounded on all sides!" "Ilya-chan!" "STOP LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT, SIS!" "Say Soichiro, why not we blow this joint, and um, exchange mana somewhere cozier?" "F-F-Father?"

Huh? Father? Kotomine? What's going-

-Another bright flash.

* * *

I awoke in a daze. My location? My bedroom. Strangely, I was wearing all of my clothes, let's see . . . white long sleeves, blue jeans, nothing too fancy, yeah, that's how I remember it.

After all, Saber would never torture me like that. How could she? She finally . . . moved on. I stumbled upwards. I was hungry, and I knew what to do.

I lumbered toward the kitchen when, "ONII-CHAAAAAAAAN!" Ilya grabbed, no, tackled me from behind. I turned around, purple and white dress, nothing overly fancy (at least not for an Einzbern.) Normally, such a greeting would make me joyous, but I couldn't smile. Ilya noticed this, "You're not playing with me, Shirou, what's wrong?"

I had to ask, "Ilya, do you believe in witchcraft?"

Ilya immediately broke into laughter. She rolled over and over on the floor, laughing, "Silly Shirou! You're asking a witch if she believes in witchcraft! A ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!"

"Sorry. I'm just really out of it right now."

* * *

Silence. It was all that could be found in the dining hall, silence. Aside from the furniture and the plates and the utensils, nothing could be found. Nothing, until the girl with indigo hair materialized. She looked at you and spoke in length,

"What is reality? How does one distinguish sanity from insanity? Is there such a concept as 'stability of the mind' to begin with? There is no way to quantify the soundness of a person's mind, no impartial scientific method to measure the sanity of a human psyche. Like everything else, perception of reality is a subjective quality. Just as one man's trash is another man's treasure, so too is one man's reality another man's fiction. What truly happened on October 13th, 2005? A mass murder by someone determined to inherit the Tohno fortune by force? A game played by a cruel witch? A piece of literature written by an obsessive fan of When the Seagulls Cry? Or is it something else altogether? As much as I'd hate to agree with Pendragon-chan, if I were to give away the absolute truth, it would ruin whatever enjoyment we would get out of this."

"But I can say this, to whoever is watching from the other side, {red}This is not over. There is one piece left.{/red} Ask the one you call Arcueid Brunestud in your _kakera_ to find out the truth, or rather, as much as I can reveal. After that, make up your own theories, for such is the norm . . . in the 07th Zone."


	19. Prof Zel Returns 1

[Author's note: It is imperative that you read this before continuing!

Previously, Caren was invited to use Kohaku's what if machine. For those of you still with us, it's pretty obvious what her request was, "What if Type-Moon characters started acting like the cast from When the Seagulls Cry? Make them mostly like those characters, while maybe still retaining a few of their Type-Moon traits?" The end result was obvious; Kohaku and Rin got major trolled by the daughter of Kotomine. Not to mention that Caren, as we now know, was in cahoots with Arcueid to plan this story, since it's still unfinished, a status that was even "declared in red" (AKA ruled absolutely true) by Bernkastel, a character from When the Seagulls Cry.

Kohaku and Rin take a break from the machine considering how mindblown they just were. But when Kohaku has the time, she seeks out Arcueid. She finds her, then asks just what's going on. Arc said, "Just tell the machine to continue the story of Zelretch if he wasn't affected by old age!" So they did.

The machine has brought back Doctor What-I meant Zelretch, hero of the multiverse, ready to train another student. A student who is neither Arcueid nor Rin, but someone else. I present the next adventure of Professor Zel, in three parts.]

A young woman wearing the Clock Tower winter uniform entered the inner sanctum of the infamous Zel. She had long purple hair down to her hips and purple eyes, "Hello? Professor Zel?"

"Just Zel, darling!" A voice responded. He jumped out of his chest space.

"Wha! You scared me!" the girl said. "Oh wait, that's that chest you always have with you."

"Indeed, Tohsaka. Still, you really think it's necessary to do this?"

The girl stood resolute, "Ever since my sister finished her training with you, she won't stop rubbing it in my face! 'I completed the Zel trials, like a _true_ Tohsaka!' I may have been raised Matou, but I was born a Tohsaka, too!"

Zel reacted, "Indeed! I can sense the prana within you, it's definitely not Matou prana." He reached into his chest and drew out the Kaleidostick, "Now then, since you are-"

-"Eh heh heh! Eh heh heh heh!"

Zel asked, "Is something funny, Sakura?"

She covered her mouth while still giggling, "The stick, it's so cute!"

He glanced at his wand, "Oh, this? You would do well to remember that the concept of 'loving cute things' is not exclusive to females, but that's not what's important!" He cleared his throat, "Now, you have a lot of potential, possibly even more than your sister. However, for today, we will only be jumping into three worlds. You're not as 'schooled' as most of my other pupils, but if you keep up with me, I'll see about upping the limit for you. Still, keep in mind, the Second Sorcery is unpredictable; I could end up in a dangerous situation every time, and while I am quite capable of handling myself, I can't guarantee your safety either. Are you sure you're up to this?"

Sakura stated, "I've had worse."

Zel bowed his head, "Yes. Yes indeed. Now then, let's not waste any time then!" He drew a circle with his kaleidostick, and a portal formed. "Ladies first."

Sakura slowly approached the portal, stopped, and put her hand through it. The moment she did, she was pulled in, "WAAAAAAAAGH!"

She felt herself falling down onto a patch of grass. When she got up, she saw she was in a forested and mountainous region, with coniferous trees dotting the landscape, and the sun shining through the mountains onto her location. Zel came up from behind, "Ah, beautiful landscape if I do say so myself! Feel up to hiking?"

"Mm-hmm."

The two trekked through the mountains, taking in the sights. They got to a clearing that overlooked a large field of grass. Zel said, "A good opportunity to use the vista-enhancement doohickey!" He reached into his chest and extracted a spyglass. He looked into the distance, then his smile faded, "Uh oh."

Sakura looked concerned, "What is it?"

Zel said, "I just spotted a Combine Hunter-Chopper."

"A what?"

"Take cover!" Zel darted behind a large tree as a helicopter flew by. Sakura followed Zel.

"Was that a bad chopper?"

Zel said, "I'd say yes. We're in a reality where Earth has been overthrown by an extraterrestrial empire called the Combine."

Sakura raised an eyebrow, "Extraterrestrial empire?"

"Yes. The great enemy itself. The Combine can travel to parallel worlds, and with their advanced technology and militia, they can subjugate or execute whomever they please. In some realities, they come to Earth and conquered all the nations, sometimes in mere hours."

"Hours?"

Zel nodded, "Oh yes. Their might is that great. Wait, the direction that chopper went." He realized the chopper flew to where he and Sakura came from. Using the spyglass, he saw a few Combine soldiers combing the area where they had teleported in. "They know we teleported here! Alright Sakura, it's time to start running! Follow my lead!"

Zel ran farther away from the chopper, with Sakura in tow. The sound of the Combine chopper and troopers became more and more distant as Sakura stopped to catch her breath, "Are we safe now?"

"For the time being."

The master and pupil slowed their pace to a walk. Sakura asked, "So what exactly do I have to do to pass your exam?"

Zel answered, "Just do whatever I tell you to do, simple as that!" He then stopped in his tracks.

"What's wrong, Professor?"

Zel looked back at where the Combine had landed, "Maybe it's just my imagination, but did I also see one of their leader's pods?"

Sakura tilted her head, "Pods? What are you talking abou-HEAGH!"

She and Zel fell straight down to the ground. It felt like a gigantic invisible force was forcing them to lie on the ground, powerless and motionless. A creature, flying through the air, approached the two. It looked like a large grub, one with cybernetic implants, and two mechanical arms. Both Zel and Sakura were pinned down to the ground from the psychic waves it was unleashing. The telekinetic grub picked up Zel with its arms. The professor was still gripping his kaleidostick with all of his might. While using it caused the blood vessels in his arms to bulge, he made a portal appear below Sakura, "I WILL FIND YOU!" he called out. The portal disappeared, and with it, his student.

Zel then looked at the grub-like entity, gritted his teeth, and activated the Second Sorcery again. He could not be precise, so he ended up teleporting himself, the grub, and the surrounding Combine soldiers into a dimension he had not specified; anything to throw off his enemies. When he came to, he found that he was in what looked like a dining room. The Combines were all in there, including the creature he now remembered was known as an "Advisor", but noticed none of them were moving. They were all frozen in place, statues for anyone to look at. "I don't recall using such magic just now. Is this a side effect of using the Second Sorcery in such a way? More importantly, where am I?" It looked like he was in a lavish restaurant, with the customers all frozen in place. He walked around and found the way out.

The door leading outside was open, yet a note was posted on it, "Thanks for the new pieces!-34" Zel looked around in befuddlement; were there thirty-four of the Combines in there? He didn't ponder this, and instead counted his luck that his adversaries appeared to have been dealt with.

He quickly found out that the dining room/restaurant was actually connected to another indoor room. He was now in what looked like a circular room with chairs on the ends, surrounding a short stand in the center. On top of the stand was a chess board with chess pieces laid out. The pieces appeared to be in the middle of a match. He did not recognize this area. "This dimension doesn't look familiar. Strange, you can travel for centuries, and still find-"

"-A HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!" A high pitched voice let out.

Zel drew his sword, "Who's thereǃ? What is thisǃ? Where am Iǃ?"

The voice giggled, then said, "You're in a place," a bright white flash momentarily blinded Zel, "_Where you don't belong!_"

The speaker finally showed herself. She was a girl who was wearing a pink dress adorned with red ribbons, as well as a pink hat with more red ribbons. She wore white socks with pink stripes that matched her pink shoes. Her hair was short and platinum, and her eyes were the color of amber. She also wore black elbow-length gloves. None of this stood out as much as the girl's menacing face, one mixing contempt for Zel, as well as glee. He knew it was not a good idea to underestimate anyone, so he said, "Oh, am I intruding? I'm so terribly sorry." He turned around, "If you don't mind, I'll just take my-"

-A bright white flash blinded him. The girl shouted, "HOOOOOLD IT!" She was blocking his path. "You can't just walk out on me! It's not everyday a Voyager strays into my _kakera_."

"Kakera?"

The girl closed her eyes, and spoke as if reciting a dictionary definition, "A world of different fates and circumstances is often referred to as a kakera, or Fragment. A witch, or in your case, a wizard, who can cross from one Fragment to another is known as a Voyager." She switched back to her sneering grin, "How ignorant can you beǃ?"

Zel said, "Well, it's just, you probably just use different terms than in my home dimension."

"Really? Is that your excuse, Kischur Zelretch Schweinorg?"

Zel was puzzled, "Uh, you know me?"

The girl answered, "Of course! You are the Kischur Zelretch Schweinorg of Fragment Number 617802485149, significantly different from the one from Fragment Number 481340273693."

Zel stammered, "Well, um, it's a bit disadvantageous for me, for I don't know who you are."

The girl giggled, "Oh, me? That's easy! I am Lambdadelta, the Witch of Certainty! You may address me as The Great Lambdadelta."

Zel said, "It's a pleasure to make your acquaintance, The Great Lambdadelta, but you see, my partner is trapped in another dimension, or what you call kakera, and I need to get back to her as soon as possible."

Another bright white flash, "Nuh unh! That can wait! I want you to run an errand for me, Voyager."

Zel said, "I'm afraid I can't do that. My friend may be in trouble, so I-"

(flash!) "I didn't _ask_ for your permission! I need you to do something for me!"

Zel finally narrowed his eyes, "Look, unless if this is absolutely important, I can't right now. If not, I politely ask that you step out of my way."

Lambda's grin grew even wider, "It's not _absolutely_ important, but you are going to help me regardless, for you see, I know _exactly_ where your large-chested friend is."

Zel couldn't believe what he heard, "Wait, you know where Sakura is?"

Lambda exclaimed, "Of course I do! I'm not an idiot! I know the importance of the bargaining chip after all." Zel tilted his head at the last remark, "Oh, did I say too much? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! You could almost say circumstances have, _conspired_, in my favor!"

"What have you done with herǃ?"

Lambda looked smug, "Nothing, not on my part. But ignore that for now. I need you to retrieve a friend of my own. She's a fellow witch, you see. However, she's been imprisoned in a Fragment by a rather devious witch, a witch whose abilities surpass even my own, however, you just may be the one to save her. My friend's name is Bernkastel, or as I like to call her, Bernie. She's very catlike. You can't miss her."

After hearing this, Zel put away his sword and answered, "Very well, but where do I even start to look for her?"

Lambda said, "Use that stick of yours to open a portal. I'll configure it so it'll take you to the last place Bernie went before she disappeared. You'll be on your own by then, but you're a powerful Voyager, so I trust you."

After hearing that, Zel drew his Kaleidostick and opened a portal. There was another blinding flash. "Now Zelretch!"

He jumped through . . .

. . . and found himself strapped down to something, and with his arms spread, as if he were being crucified, "WHATǃ?" He shouted, unable to move.

A slow clap echoed in the distance. An emotionless female voice enunciated, "And so another rat has been caught." A sound like someone warping through space blared into Zel's ears as a girl with long indigo hair appeared before Zel, floating in space.

Zel was even more shocked, "Wait, so the witch, it was-"

"-Not Patchouli Knowledge." She mumbled. "And not Yue Ayase either."

Zel's mind was racing, "Huh. You do remind me of them, but I was going to say, are you the witch who captured Bernie?"

She answered, "I am the Witch of Miracles, otherwise known as Bernkastel."

Zel did a double take, "But, your friend, she said!-"

"-Lambda enjoys lying."

There was a blinding flash, "A HA HA HA HA! I can't believe I was even able to trick this seasoned veteran of sorcery!"

Zel yelled, "You fiend! Release me!"

Lambda smiled, "Sorry, no can do." She looked at Bernkastel, "Also, you forgot this." Some duct tape suddenly materialized and covered Zel's mouth. "And to think, duct tape is _your_ department."

Bernkastel noted, "I won't be so careless next time."

Lambda looked at Bernkastel, "Alright, so we agreed on what part he plays, right?" She then glanced at Zel, "Oh, are you wandering what we're gonna do with you? Nothing hazardous, I assure you! It's just that Bernie and I like to play a game, but the game we play, we started getting bored of it, so we got a new set of pieces, and those pieces were from your original Fragment, for you see, the people of your Fragment, they are so . . . so . . . what's the word I'm looking for?"

"Dysfunctional."

"YES! And this game is no fun if the pieces can't shatter like fine glass, a ha ha ha ha! Your part will be small, yet instrumental, and when we're done, you can meet your precious Sakura again." There was another white flash.


	20. Prof Zel Returns 2

I had been reserved a seat in an upscale Japanese restaurant in Tokyo. It was a private booth, far away from the prying eyes and ears of the public, perfect for lovers to whisper sweet nothings, or for underhanded business meetings.

Mine was a business meeting, but one that was legal. It was only private since my client of sorts was . . . someone trying to lay low. And sure enough, she appeared, "You must be the head of the Witch Orden." She said in her hoarse, almost masculine voice.

Wait a second . . . this woman . . . was . . . that Shiki? The other Shiki? The one from the Ryougi clan? If so, why is she dressed in a private school uniform instead of a kimono? Wait, don't think about that right now. "Yes, I am he." I attempted to sound witty.

She sat down across the table from me. She laid out a briefcase and took out some papers. "You know what I told you this was about. I want you to go over your findings."

Findings? Oh yeah, those findings. Without even thinking, I told her, "Well, you know, the Tohno Massacre has been a long-studied subject. Some think it was a murder from a rival of your grandfather's. Others think it was a ritualistic murder-suicide, but you've heard those theories a thousand times already. What I've researched are the theories the press regards as lunatic; the theories that whoever was responsible for their deaths used the element we call magic."

Wait, what am I saying? How do I know all of this? And why do I feel like my thoughts are being projected out loud? Eh, don't dwell on it. Throughout everything, she just stared at me with her intense black eyes like always, but she didn't find anything weird about this. I continued, "Magic, by definition, is the ability to make something happen merely by imagining it. You see it in the movies; a man imagines shooting fire out of his wand, and it happens. A witch imagines flying on her broomstick, and it happens."

And I continued on and on about theories about magic, and how it tied in to the mass murder. Eventually, Ryougi thanked me and left behind a prodigious amount of yen. Without even thinking, I took it and left. I returned to my hotel room, for I was staying over to have this chat with her. By tomorrow morning, I would return to Kyoto, but during the middle of the night, I received a phone call. There was no caller ID, but I answered it, "Yes?"

"Professor." That harsh voice. It was her again, "There's something else I need to discuss. About me."

"Yes, what is it?"

She asked, "Have you ever remembered something, but that something you remembered was a memory that belonged to someone other than yourself?"

My breath hastened. That's something the Ryougi _I_ know would say. And I recall this happening in a previous excursion of mine, but I couldn't be for sure. I said, "Tell me more."

She explained, "I feel like I should be in someone else's body, living someone else's life. My life and my memories, they don't always add up. It's hard for me to explain, and I think I could explain better in person. Sorry for dragging you into my problems again, but I need to see you again. Tomorrow, 10:00 AM, to the west of the city. You will be paid again."

Hmm, her doubting her memories, and me doing the same; I think I might know why, but why does she want to meet at that place? She's not thinking of actually going _there_, is she?

The media has always depicted Ryougi as an introverted eccentric, so maybe this is just that at play? I know I'm supposed to be back home tomorrow, since work starts again two days from now, but I also know I shouldn't continue this life. The next day, I took a taxi to the location; the outside of Tokyo. It was mostly tourists here when I saw Ryougi exit out of a car with another person. It was a tall man with short blonde hair . . . wait . . . "You kept your word, Professor."

I responded, "Indeed." I looked at the gentleman, I had to make sure, "And who might you be?"

He said, "Kayneth. I'm Miss Tohno's escort. Don't mind me, I'm just coming along to make sure nothing happens to her. She's a valuable asset to many big players, you know."

Ah ha! It's the fabled instructor of the Mage's Association who died during a Holy Grail War! But what is he doing being a mere bodyguard for Ryougi? His memories must be more scrambled than mine. Ryougi faced me, "We're going for a hike."

"A hike?" I played along.

"Yeah. We brought provisions, so you should manage. You can probably imagine where we're going."

I guessed, "The place where your family was murdered?"

"The very same. It's hard to access, but it can be reached on foot." She took out a map, "My grandfather had left this in my dad's care. It traces how the old man found the site that would become his final resting place. I need to go there, with you. I feel you could find the answer I'm looking for."

The three of us walked down what looked like a tourist path through the foothills. We came across random tourists, but there weren't many. Ryougi stopped at one point. "This path doesn't lead to the mansion. We'll have to cut across this forest to get there. It's nothing too dangerous, so keep going. I'll take point." We were now in some woodlands. "By the way, we're away from prying ears. If there's something you wanna say, do it now."

I had to make sure of something, "Hey Kayneth, have you had any other professions aside from being a bodyguard?"

He answered, "Well I was a mercenary, until Miss Tohno sought me out. Nothing else though, if you don't count shoveling snow as a kid a legitimate job."

Nothing about being a teacher with the Mage's Association, yet Ryougi has suspicions about who we are, and I do too. It was an itch that needed to be scratched. "Shiki, there's something I need to ask you."

"Me?" She asked, stopping in her tracks.

"And not me?" Kayneth questioned.

Ryougi faced him, "It would seem that way. Why don't you go off somewhere and drop an elegant load? You can find us on your GPS locator."

"Uh, yes ma'am."

He marched off someway away from us. I then looked at her, "He doesn't remember anything."

"Is this about our memories?"

I said, "Yeah. He supposed to be an instructor for an academy that trains magicians. I would know, for he's technically a co-worker of mine in another dimension. And you, Shiki Tohno, or should I say, Shiki Ryougi?"

Her face looked uncomfortable, "Eh? Ryougi? But, my family has always been Tohno!"

I told her, "Perhaps here, but not where I come from. These memories of yours, I know where they come from. It is disturbing, the things I know, but you seek the truth. Do you still want to know?"

She nodded. I told her everything, everything about the Shiki Ryougi I met in one of the first alternate realities I explored. I also told her about who I was. It was lengthy, but she seemed pretty calm about it. After my explanation, she said, "I see. Someone's scrambled memories of people we know, but we're the only ones who can remember."

I explained, "I think it's because we've had others invade our consciousness prior to whatever's happening right now. We're accustomed to it, hence we seem to have built up some sort of immunity, or at the very least, we can tell when it's happening now." I looked away, "I remember a lot, and you seemed to pick on up this pretty quickly, too. But the others, if the names in the tabloids were right, are people who don't have experience with someone inserting someone else's memories into their souls."

She stated, "There's only one way to be sure." She took out her cell phone and sent a text message, "I just told Kayneth to come back. Ask him something he would know only in the other reality."

In a few minutes, Kayneth returned, with an MP3 player in hand, "You're lucky the Foo Fighters just released a new album, otherwise I would've been bored out of my mind!"

I looked him in the eye, "Kayneth, was it?"

"Yeah?"

"Who's your wife?"

There was no ring on any of his fingers, "Wife? I'm not married! I'm not exactly the marrying type!" He glanced at Ryougi, "And no, she's not my type, either!"

I casted a knowing glance at our guide. She nodded, then said, "Regardless, the mansion shouldn't be too much farther."

We kept going for quite a lengthy period of time. Ryougi and Kayneth had brought water and snacks, which I was grateful for. Eventually, we saw it. Sitting near a cliff edge was a dilapidated mansion straight from 19th century Europe from the looks of it, as well as a smaller structure. We were speechless; this is where Ryougi's family was killed in this reality. The bodies had already been recovered, and the possessions gone to the lone survivor, so now sat a mausoleum of a mighty clan.

Kayneth said, "I'll be the first to breach entry." He approached the front door . . . then suddenly fell back. "What the hell?"

"What's wrong?" Ryougi questioned.

"Look!" Kayneth took a step forward, then suddenly was pushed back, "It's like there's a wall in the way, but I don't see one!"

Ah! An invisible barrier, designed to repulse intruders, an old favorite of the Einzberns, well, the Einzberns of _my_ home dimension. If there's no magic in this world, then who knows how that was set up. "We have witnessed a miracle." I called out, "Magic does indeed exist."

"Whoa, really?" Kayneth was astonished, "So does this mean I can shoot fireballs now?"

"Dream on." Ryougi mouthed. "But it seems you were right, Professor, about everything. In fact, I didn't mention this, but I brought a good luck charm with me." She reached into her uniform and withdrew a knife. Yes, that's the Ryougi I remember! She's still not dressed correctly, but she's remembered everything now! "I feel this knife can cut anything, even a barrier like this."

"Wait," Kayneth said, "You're not at all disturbed at the presence of what's obviously a magical wall?"

Ryougi replied, "The circumstances surrounding their deaths is still unknown. Maybe it was magic that killed them. Until then, I intend to get in here. What will you two do?"

I said, "I have a plan. I don't have time to explain it, but I have a plan."

Kayneth responded, "Eh, maybe I'll watch over this place? Yeah, keep the exit secured, heh heh!" He gets more nervous by the minute.

"So be it." Ryougi then stepped up near the front entrance. She put her hand forward, but the hand was pushed back. She then raised her knife; I know what her eyes must look like right now. She cut a diagonal slash through what looked like thin air, yet _something_ seemed to come out. It was like another dimension spilled into the world.

It was sunny a second ago, and fairly warm. Now it was dark, the skies were blackened by clouds, and snow was piling up everywhere, with more snow adding to it. Wait . . . night time, snow, is this . . . the past? The killing was said to have happened during a freak out-of-season blizzard, almost as if by magic, someone summoned it to trap the targets.

Kayneth was shivering, "What just happened? Why's it so dark? And where did this snow come from?"

I answered, not as a professor of the occult, but as a professor, "Magic, dear boy! I don't know who's capable of this, but I think we've gone back somehow."

"In that case," Ryougi said, "I'll confront destiny head-on." She reached for the front door, only to find it bolted shut.

I remembered something else, "You know, Shiki, I once knew a fellow in another world who had eyes like yours; he once broke into his school using them."

Kayneth creased his forehead, "Eh? Eyes? What's this all about?"

"Look and see."

Ryougi was looking around, and to Kayneth's shock, her eyes were no longer black; they had become a shining blue. She said, "I don't see any lines here. How is that possible? Is this house fortified against death? Heh! I shouldn't put it past my grandfather!"

Okay, that last line doesn't sound like her. Who would say something like that? Upon thinking that, she stepped back, looking at the windows, "There." She pointed out, "There are lines on that window."

"Lines?" What lines?" Kayneth asked.

"Lines of death." I said, "The Shiki I know can perceive them."

Ryougi observed, "There's a rain gutter right next to it. I should be able to get up there." She sheathed her knife and climbed up. She got up to the window, which had a small ledge made of brick. Holding on to the wall, and later the window, she managed to position herself in front of it, take out her knife, and cut the window open effortlessly. She dove into the mansion.

I too had a plan. I told Kayneth, "I have something to do in there too. Keep looking over the entrance. Makes sure no one gets in or out."

"Sure thing, Professor."

I hope my plan succeeds, too. I held onto the rain gutter, climbed up, and got onto the ledge. I proceeded in.

The scene before me was worlds apart from the humdrum life of a scholar. It was a scene straight out of an opera. Men and women, dancing, frolicking, music, laughing, all of these things going on. This wasn't in any of the reports I read, and the Tohno Mansion floor plan couldn't accommodate parties like this.

No one seemed to notice my presence, for everyone's attention was on Ryougi instead. Lucky me. She carried a knife around as a good luck charm. I too have something on me. I reached into my chest pocket and pulled out a gemstone. It is bright green, no scratches, absolutely flawless, and spans the width of my palm. In my other life, my other Professor self, I would use gems like this to control others' memories, a dangerous ability to be sure, hence why I was considered responsible enough to carry these around. With it, I can make someone forget everything they saw . . . or remember something they conveniently forgot. I see people I recognize, yet none of them are as I remember them. Even Ryougi is still struggling with who she is.

There was only one task left. I held out the gem. It started glowing, while I chanted, "Remember who we are! Restore these memories!" The gem shone like never before, and the effects were immediate.

Shirou was shouting, "And therefore, no one _but_ Kariya could have-" (flash) Shirou's face and voice became more relaxed, "As I was saying, Kariya is the most suspect in this case."

Arturia flashed a gentle smile, "That's a very good guess, Shirou, but you're wrong." She then looked around, "Wait, where are we?"

Shirou also looked, "Hey, good question, what is this place? And why am I wearing such nice clothes?"

Elsewhere, Miyako noticed, "What the hellǃ? Why am I wearing a dressǃ? I can't do my moves in this!"

"Kiritsugu, this ends NOW!" "LOVE ME AS A WOMAN ALREADY!" "Fakers everywhere!" "I wonder if they have any of those so-called 'hamburgers' here. Maybe Shiki would know." "MOMMY! (Glomp)" "Sakura-chan, I'm free . . . I'm free of the worms!"

Uh oh. Maybe restoring the memories of a group of people who violently hate one another was probably not the best idea. Think, Zel, think! What can I do to remedy this? I guess that girl was right; we _are_ dysfunction-" (FLASH!)

* * *

Zel was back in the room where he met Bernkastel. She and Lambda stared down at him, "You ruined _everything!_"

He responded, "Well of course! Those are people I know! Some of them dear friends! You even had one of my god-daughters amongst them!"

Lambdadelta continued, "But they weren't from _your_ Fragment! What difference would it make if we had them play in our game for usǃ?"

He coolly recited, "Because someone of your vast wisdom would know; life is the right of all sentient beings."

Bernkastel spoke, "I am surprised that you would resort to quoting a giant talking robot from a children's television show. It speaks volumes of your desperation."

Zel said, "Huh? Children's cartoon show? But I really have met Optimus Prime and the Autobots! In another so-called 'Fragment', maybe, but-"

"-Let me punish him, Bernie! Let me soak him in boiling hot chocolate!"

Zel was visibly frightened by Lambda's interruption. Bern flatly commanded, "You can't bring the pieces to harm outside of the board, remember? You yourself put that rule in place for this particular session."

"And now I'm saying get rid of that rule!"

Bern looked directly into Lambda's eyes, "If you need to deal with a pout, I have some goats rounded up in another Fragment. You ought to take it out on them instead." She snapped her fingers, and Lambda disappeared.

Zel was sweating, "You're . . . you're not really gonna torture me, are you? I'll tell you right now, torturing isn't useful for extracting information!"

Bern looked at the vampire professor, "I know that better than anyone. You may breathe again; I will not see to it that you or the other pieces be hurt in any way. We will shelve you, or return you to your proper fragments soon enough. However," she paused, looking away with her eyes but not her face, "There are others listening in to this conversation. I will satiate their curiosity, as well as yours. I shall tell you, in red, who the culprits of that murder are." She paused, then spoke with red words forming in the air, "The culprits of the Tohno Massacre are Keiichi Maebara, Satoshi Hojo, Tatsuyoshi Kasai, and Erika Furudo."

Zel said, "Who are those people?"

Bernkastel responded, "If you don't know, you won't understand. However, I will not give you the satisfaction of knowing why these four did that in this Fragment, nor exactly how they carried it out." She then smiled, "It wouldn't be a mystery if I did that. Just giving away the culprits in itself has made the game immeasurably easier, a move I would never do to Lambda."

Zel remarked, "Okay, but I'm done now. Reunite me with Sakura already!"

Bernkastel stated, "I will, but know one last thing; this last game was entirely Lambda's idea, not mine. I only went along with it because I was bored. If you need a scapegoat, use her. But now . . ." she smiled again, "Oh~! It looks like Sakura Matou is in a Fragment that you've been to, more than once! This should work to your advantage."

* * *

Sakura was running across a field of grass, struggling to avoid the numerous magical bullets coming at her from the higher ground. "Help me!" She cried out.

Just then, a portal opened. Zel dropped in. He saw her up, "Sakura, what luck!"

Right then, a voice interrupted, "Ha! Another challenger to my power? Then fall!" Zel looked up. He saw a girl with long black hair, a white cape, large black wings, pointing what looked like a wooden rod for an arm at the two of them.

[to be continued]


	21. Prof Zel Returns 3

[Author's Note: Several hours before the previous chapter, Zelretch had used a spell to escape from a Combine Advisor. Only side effect was Sakura Matou was displaced in a different reality. To see Sakura's tale before Zel was reunited, we must go back some time, to when Sakura was warped into the Land of Illusion.]

Sakura found herself in what looked like the countryside. Many fireflies, or what looked like fireflies, could be seen in the night sky. She got up and looked around, "Professor? Professor Zel?" She didn't want to attract too much attention so she didn't shout.

Sakura examined her surroundings. She was on a dirt road that appeared to lead into a forest. The trees that made up the forest were not overly tall, but the forest itself was vast in scope. She felt daunted from looking into the forest, with its many dancing lights going to and fro from the treetops. She then heard a voice singing. It wasn't a song of words, it was simply a young woman singing, "La la la-la-laaaaaa~"

Sakura found the voice captivating. Walking to where it was coming from, she called out, "Hello? Is anyone there? I got lost."

She then saw something that looked out of place; an old-fashioned yakitori stand. By now, she realized she was in a different reality. The bright lights of the stand were a relief. She seated herself at the stand when a woman appeared, "Good evening! What can I get for you?"

_I'm definitely in a different world_. This woman manning the stand sported hot pink hair, strange ears, and most apparent of all, bird-like wings coming from her back. She wore a simple brown-and-white dress, one that looked like it was made in the past. Sakura sat on a seat facing the woman and asked, "Excuse me, I don't know where I am. Could you tell me?"

The woman said, as if she were reading off an advertisement, "You are at the stand of Mystia Lorelei, famed chef on the border that separates the Human Village from the Forest of Magic!"

Sakura looked dumbfounded, "I'm sorry, where?"

Mystia looked at her, "Wait, you're not from the village, are you?"

"Village? I'm from Fuyuki City, if you're curious."

Mystia looked dejected, "Oh. You're from the outside world, aren't you?"

Sakura was still confused, "I guess. I suppose I'll tell you. I was traveling with a man, a man who can move through time and space, but we . . . we ran into trouble. He teleported me out of danger, and I ended up here. Eh heh! You must think I'm crazy!"

Mystia assured, "Not in the slightest. Happens a lot. Say, were you accompanied by a woman, somewhat tall, blonde hair, wears beautiful dresses?"

Sakura shook her head, "No, it was just me and the Professor. Well, that's what my family calls him. He's pretty tough, I'm sure he'll come by soon enough."

Mystia said, "Wait a moment, someone teleported you past the Boundary, into Gensokyo, not a woman, but a man?"

Before Sakura could say anything, a young, brash voice called out, "You scammin' again, Mystia?"

Sakura turned around and saw a girl . . . a girl with two horns coming from her head. She had long orange hair in a ponytail and wore a purple-and-white dress with manacles around her wrists and ankles. Mystia looked at the short girl, "No! Not at all! I told everyone-I even told the Yama I wasn't gonna do that anymore!"

The girl sat next to Sakura. She pulled out a purple gourd and took a sip. She told Mystia, "In that case, get me my favorite!"

"Coming right up!"

The horned child, only now opening her eyes, looked at the purple-haired girl, "What are you?" She sniffed, "Human?"

Sakura noticed this girl smelled of sake, "Uh, yes! How'd you know?"

"I can sense these things. Come to eat?"

Sakura nervously said, "Uh, since you said so, then yes!" She looked at Mystia, "What's on your menu?"

Mystia sounded off, "We've got chicken! We've got pork! We even have bell peppers for those not into eating the flesh of dead animals!"

Suika pointed out, "We? I thought you were a one-girl business."

Sakura said, "I'll have some bell peppers, please. Sliced, if possible."

Mystia replied, "Excellent choice! Pay upfront, and I'll get started!"

"Eh? My money, It's all back . . . ugh."

The sound of yen coins landing on the stand hit Sakura's ears, "It's on me." Suika told her.

Sakura was elated, "Oh! Thank you so much!"

"Think nothing of it!" She then said under her breath, "Or my roommate will get on my ass about not helping humans again."

Sakura's face looked quizzical, but decided to say nothing of it. Mystia served a plate, "Your bell peppers are ready! A healthy option if I do say so myself!"

"Thank you." Sakura began dining on the bell pepper slices.

The horned girl then said, "Since I'm waiting, I might as well tell you, I'm Suika Ibuki."

"Sakura Tohsaka. It's a pleasure to meet you, Ibuki-san."

Suika raised an eyebrow, "Ibuki . . . san? You're definitely from the outside world. Don't worry about proper addresses in Gensokyo. Just call me Suika, okay, {cherry blossom}?"

Sakura just noticed Suika said, "Cherry Blossom" in accented English. "Okay. So, Suika, if you don't mind my asking, what are you? You look human, but you have horns."

Suika exclaimed, "Ah! Guess you've never seen one of my kind, huh?" Sakura shook her head, "I'm an Oni!"

Sakura's face looked puzzled, "An Oni? But, you look nothing like an Oni, er, not the kind I've seen . . . seen in artwork, that is."

Suika boasted, "Gensokyan Oni resemble humans more closely than any other race of oni, must be what threw you off. Of course, I'm unique; most oni aren't as small as me. I have the oni equivalent of dwarfism. Most of my kind usually average nearly two meters in height, and that's the females!"

In-between chewing her food, Sakura remarked, "Wow, really? So there are little oni people too? That's so . . . wow!"

Suika smiled, "Interesting, yeah. Don't pity me, though, I don't mind my body. I'm harder to hit, after all. Only real advantage 'normal' oni have over me is they got much longer reach. Oh yeah, speaking of which, there's this old friend of mine, Yugi, you see her legs? They are _freaky-ass_ long! Of course, guys won't shut up about her body. She's, eh, built, even by oni standards," she then looked at Sakura, "But despite your human puniness, you seem to have a healthy body."

Sakura looked down, and noticed that Suika was describing her breasts, "Oh, that. An old friend of the family liked to remind me of that, heh! Just so you know, I am wearing proper support, so no need to worry about my back, eh heh!" It had been a long time since she saw that friend of hers, the Tiger of Fuyuki.

Mystia had Suika's order ready, "There you are!"

"Food!" She wolfed down her portions in short order. When she was finished, she let out, "Ahhhh! That was money well spent! You have redeemed yourself in my eyes! I'll pass the word on to Reimu!"

Mystia smiled, "Yes! Please do!" She looked at Sakura, "And have you finished your meal?"

Sakura answered, "Yes, thank you. These were very good."

Mystia gathered the plates, "Glad to have been of help! Hope you find your partner!"

Suika looked up, "Partner?"

Sakura said, "Yes. I got separated from my instructor. I'm studying to become a magus, but during an exam, something happened, and I ended up in this land."

Suika nodded, "Ah! I see! Those who don't fit into the outside world often find themselves in Gensokyo!" She pulled out her purple gourd, uncapped it, and took a swig. She offered it, "You want some?"

"What is that?"

"Sake that never runs out."

Sakura looked confused, "Really? Eh, no thanks. I shouldn't be drinking in an emergency."

Suika shrugged her shoulders, "Eh, fair enough. Humans can't process alcohol like my people, after all." Her eyes lit up, "Hey, I just thought of something. I can't help out with your plight, but I know someone who can."

Sakura's eyes lit up, "Really? Who? I need all the help I can get!"

"My roommate. She's kind of in charge of maintaining order throughout Gensokyo. She might be able to help you out. She helped out Mystia here a couple of times, am I right?" She said while winking.

"Don't remind me." The bird mouthed.

"A ha ha ha ha ha! Yeah, that's it! I'll take you to the sworn protector of humans around here! She'll think of something!" She glanced at the youkai, "Bye Mystia!"

Sakura bowed, "Thank you for your help."

Mystia blushed, "Awww! I'm happy to have helped a newcomer!"

Suika turned around, "Alright!" She the appeared to be levitating off the ground. Not only that, she was flying rather quickly.

Sakura yelled, "Wait up!"

Suika flew back, "What's wrong?"

"I . . . can't move like that."

Suika screwed her face, "Huh? You can't fly?" Sakura shook her head. Suika scratched, "You're telling me you ended up in Gensokyo, and you can't even lift off the ground without falling?"

Sakura's voice was inquisitive, "Why? Do we have to fly to get there?"

Suika gestured, "Technically no, but traveling in Gensokyo on foot is quite dangerous. If something were to pick a fight, you'd be at a serious disadvantage."

"Oh."

Suika came close to Sakura, "But I'll stick by and make sure no one does anything. My reputation alone should scare off any would-be duelists."

In the distance, lights of varying colors could be seen flying back and forth. Sakura was mesmerized by what she saw, "Those fireflies are really pretty!"

Suika questioned, "Fireflies? Those are most likely fairies you're seeing."

"Fairies? Like, fairytale fairies?"

"Yeah, the most common race in Gensokyo! Also the most annoying."

Some floating lights came at the two travelers. Suika held out her hand and fired magic missiles at the fairies, causing them to dissolve into nothingness. "Oh, since you're an outsider, allow me to say that fairies come back to life when you kill them, so don't feel guilty about killing any of them, okay?"

"Okay."

More fairies appeared, firing magical shots of their own, while Suika disposed of them with more of her own shots, "And don't worry about getting hurt! These are danmaku patterns, designed to stun, not kill!"

"Okay!"

A larger fairy flew directly at Sakura. Before the fairy could hit her, it was vaporized. In its place was what looked like a black tentacle coming from the ground. "Whoa! Nice moves!" Suika called out.

Sakura looked different. Her clothes were gone. She appeared to be wearing a dress made from long black ribbons with red trim. Her long purple hair had become milky white, her eyes blood red, and red markings dotted her legs, hands, and the sides of her face. Sakura looked distraught, "Please, don't look at me."

Suika grinned, "Why not? This has gotta be a part of your training! No human that belongs in the outside world could pull off something like that!"

Sakura retrieved her tentacle, "I should thank you for not freaking out, but what you see," she hugged herself, "This wasn't something I learned in the Association."

Suika raised an eyebrow, "Ooookay. Far be it from me to pry into personal matters then, though I doubt anyone's gonna be judgmental about this other form of yours."

Sakura recomposed herself, "You had better not be lying."

Suika held her index finger up, "Oni never tell lies. You won't be viewed as bizarre in Gensokyo. In fact, you might wanna stay in that form, since it seems like you can't fight when you were sporting clothes."

Sakura sighed, "If you say so." More fairies charged at the two. Suika shot some more of them, while Sakura deflected any that got near her away.

The fairies had vanished. Suika observed, "I guessed they finally realized who they were messing with! Also, you do good for someone not gifted in danmaku."

"Thanks." Sakura looked up, "How much longer?"

"Not too long. We should be there soon enough." In time, the duo found themselves standing in front of a Shinto shrine gate. "Oh crap, I forgot!"

"What?"

Suika exhaled, "Humans have different sleep patterns than oni. This girl sleeps at this time of night-" Sakura snickered, "-and I once woke her up on a night like this; it wasn't a pretty ending."

Sakura continued laughing, "Well of course! Humans sleep during the night! At least part of the night!"

Suika sighed, "Yeah." She then snapped her finger, "Ah! That's it! There are some fairies nearby that can give us shelter. They're a little smarter than the other fairies around here, but they still are quite childish. Still, with my fame, and your powers, I think we can talk them into letting us stay."

Sakura asked, "But, is it okay to just barge in their home? Aren't they sleeping, too?"

Suika waved her hand, "Nah! Most fairies are nocturnal, including these ones, well, minus the 'leader', but even then, they'll help." She looked up, "Of course, since you can't fly, I'll give you a lift." She wrapped her arms around Sakura's waist and flew up.

"Whoa!"

"Wow! You're really light! Whatever you're doing is keeping off weight!"

"It's a family trait!"

Suika flew around in the nearby forest, hovering just over the treetops, with Sakura in hand. She spotted what looked like a treehouse, and let Sakura down on the porch of it. "Let me do the talking, unless they ask you something." She then stomped with her feet, causing the tree to speak, "ROLL CALL!"

Squeaky voices screamed in terror inside the house, followed up with, "Earthquake!" "Invasion!" "It must be the Celestial again!"

More screaming followed when three fairies, one in a red dress, one in a white dress, and one in a blue dress flew out. "Hey wait, it's just Suika again! And some girl I don't recognize!"

"You brought an accomplice this time, oni?" She, the one in white, looked at Sakura, "Is she an octopus youkai?"

Sakura said, "Uh, no. Eh, you see, this is a special form I take for combat. This is what I really look like." In an instant, her hair and eyes changed back to purple, her clothes had returned, and there were no red markings on her skin, "It's a bit of magic I picked up."

The fairy in red looked amused, "Ah! Neat!"

Suika said, "This is a stranger from the outside world."

"Oh!" The fairy in blue shouted, "Like the other shrine maiden!"

Sakura smiled nervously, not knowing what to say. Suika laughed and responded, "Yeah, like her!" She gestured her hand at the fairies while facing Sakura, "This is Sunny, Luna, and Star." She then gestured at Sakura, "And this is Sakura . . . can't remember your family name. We'll be staying here until the original shrine maiden wakes up."

Luna looked scared, "Eh, Suika's demanding something! If she does, we can't refuse!"

Star sighed, "It's times like this I wish Cirno were here."

Sakura bowed and stated, "I hope I'm not demanding too much from you. I shouldn't be here long."

Sunny responded, "Not at all, although with an oni on your side, we can't really do anything on our end."

Suika flashed a smile, "Well, anyone up for drinking?" She held up her gourd.

"Me! Me!" Star shouted.

"Don't hog it all for yourself!" Luna yelled.

"Not me." Sunny lazily replied.

Suika, Luna, and Star flew outside. Sakura looked around the treehouse, "Uh, is there a place where I can rest?"

Sunny looked around, "Well, there's that thing over there," she pointed at a sofa, "I heard it's supposed to resemble furniture from the Western world."

"Alright." The student slipped her shoes off and lied on the sofa. "I hope I'm not intruding."

Sunny folded her arms, "Of course not! Even if Suika wasn't in tow, I'd still bring you in." She then lowered her voice to a whisper, "Because not helping humans who came in accidentally can lead to bad things!"

Sakura asked, "Bad things? Like what?"

"Bad things! So bad, I don't even know! Just that they're bad!" She changed the subject, "Need a blanket?"

"Nah. I'm fine. It's quite warm in here."

Sunny smiled, "It is the summer! Well, if you need anything, I'll be here."

She flew off, while Sakura tried to get some sleep.

* * *

Sunlight seeped into the treehouse as Suika roused, "Man, what time is it?"

Luna muttered listlessly, "Sometime past sunrise, I know that."

Suika sighed, "Shouldn't humans like my guest here be awake by now?"

"I'm awake," Sakura said, "I just, feel lazy, that's all."

Suika looked like she formed an idea, "Lazy, you say? Sounds a lot like the girl we're trying to meet. You know what I do to make her do stuff?"

"Something bad?" Sunny asked.

"Nah, I just pinch her cheeks in a funny way."

Sakura laughed, "I should try that on my sister sometime!"

Suika spoke, "The morning has come, so my partner should be awake by now. Here's hoping she knows what to do." She faced the fairies, "As for you three, thanks for not doing anything stupid throughout the night. It means something."

The fairies were sweating visibly while Star mumbled, "It was a pleasure, eh heh!"

Suika and Sakura stepped outside, "Oh, right, you can't fly. Hold on to your skirt!" She held the student and floated down to the ground.

"You're very kind for an oni." Sakura said.

The oni girl snickered, "Me? Kind? You must have me confused with someone from the outside world! Like I said earlier, I'm only doing this so I won't get punished later!"

Sakura followed Suika as she flew slowly down a path that led somewhere, "This country is even more beautiful at day! It's practically untouched!"

Suika noted, "Yeah, typical reaction from-"

"-FOUND YOU!" A voice shouted.

Suika and Sakura looked up. The student saw what looked like a girl with large wings spread in the sky. Suika looked like she recognized her, "Ah! The living nuclear reactor! Away from your post, I see? What would Satori say about that?"

The girl crossed her arms, "I have permission this time!"

"Oooooh~! Permission!~ You're a big girl now!"

"Quiet, you!" She raised her arm, which looked like a wooden rod instead of a humanoid arm, "I wanna know, why's an underground oni living on the surface?"

Sakura was confused and distraught throughout this exchange. Suika answered, "My personal life is none of your concern! Now run along; I'm running an errand for the Hakurei girl right now."

The girl lowered her rod, yet smirked, "Okay, but before I go, I wanna see who you have in tow."

"Huh?" Sakura squeaked.

The girl descended down. She was tall, wore a large cape that supported her wings, and had a large red eye in the middle of her chest, yet sported a run-of-the-mill white shirt and green miniskirt. She looked at the purple-haired girl, "I don't know you. Who might you be?"

Sakura stated, "Sakura, Tohsaka. It's a pleasure to meet you." She bowed quickly.

The girl responded, "I see. You must be a human, based on your reactions. Tell me, would you like to duel with me?"

"Du-duel?"

Suika stepped between the two of them, "Hey, hold up! She just got into Gensokyo! She doesn't even have spellcards!" She glanced at Sakura, "You don't have any spellcards, right?"

"I have nothing like that on me."

"Seeǃ? You can't fight her! Now go back to whatever it was you were doing before I get Reimu!"

The winged-girl smirked, "Oh no! You're not getting away with that threat again!" She swung her rod arm, knocking Suika down, then swiftly kicked her with what looked like a gray boot surrounding one of her feet.

The kick sent Suika flying through the air. Sakura gasped as the girl said, "See? That's the kind of power I wield; not even an oni can stand before me, Utsuho Reiuji!"

Sakura screamed, "Stop bullying us!"

Utsuho looked puzzled, "Eh? Bullying? But I just want a battle with someone new!"

"Leave me alone!" Sakura pleaded.

Utsuho smiled, "Maybe I will, after I win! You gotta be hiding spell cards somewhere!"

She then flew up into the sky. Magical white bullets shot out of her rod, aiming for Sakura. The student ran across an empty field of grass, struggling to avoid the numerous magical bullets coming at her from the higher ground. "Help me!" She cried out.

Just then, a portal opened. Zel dropped in. He saw her, "Sakura, what luck!"

Right then, Utsuho interrupted, "Ha! Another challenger to my power? Then fall!" Zel looked up. He saw the bird youkai pointing her rod-arm at the two of them, concentrating energy at the end of it.

A large sphere, like a miniature sun, fired at Zel. He had his jeweled sword in hand, and managed to cleave the sun-like shot with ease. Sakura was stunned to silence. Utsuho reacted, "Whoa! Awesome! But this is a danmaku-only duel!"

Zel responded, "I see." He then quickly gestured, "Wait! Stop for now!"

"What for?" Utsuho asked.

Zel looked at Sakura, "Sakura, I just thought of a test for you!"

Sakura looked worried, "A test? You don't want me to fight her, do you? Even at my best, I'm no match for her!"

"No! Not fight! Survive!"

"Eh?"

Zel explained, "I'll order her to use a spell card. You see, in this world, a spell card will only last for a set amount of time. If you can survive the spell card's effects without taking damage, I will reward you." He then leaned in and whispered, "A spell card only lasts for 50 or so seconds. Don't fight her, just avoid taking damage."

Because she was being assigned, Sakura nodded her head. Zel looked up at Utsuho, "We struck a deal. You can use one spell card, but just one. If you manage to hit my companion, you win. If not, then you lose. Of course, she can't even fly, so this should be easy for you!"

"Whatǃ?"

Utsuho gleamed upon hearing the rules, "I'm going to enjoy this!"

Sakura complained, "You're just trying to get me humiliated!"

"No I'm not. I'm simply preparing you for inter-dimensional travel. Now, let me just step aside to avoid any crossfire." True to his word, he moved away from where he was standing, leaving Sakura vulnerable.

Utsuho declared, "In that case, prepare yourself, human!"

Sakura transformed into her "Dark" form while Utsuho reached for what looked like a card and shouted, "Atomic Fire: Nuclear Excursion!"

The sound of klaxons could be heard blaring as what looked like huge white suns fired forth from Utsuho. There were several of these suns, all aimed at Sakura. The student could not move fast enough to evade these shots, but instinctively, she summoned the familiars of her dark form. Large, tall black beasts came forth, bearing the brunt of the suns. In addition to the large shots, smaller blue shots came for Sakura. The student, unable to dodge the smaller shots, reacted by firing away black magical missiles of her own. Her shots canceled out the smaller bullets within Utusho's onslaught.

_I can do this!_ Sakura thought to herself, summoning more and more familiars. _I'm just as good as my sister!_ _I am worthy of the Tohsaka name!_ Her bullets continued to nullify the smaller shots aimed at her. I'm not gonna lose to some stupid bird! I survived the abyss!

Dark familiars were everywhere. Zel called out, "Alright, that's enough. Excellent work, Sakura! I knew I could count on you!"

Utsuho had stopped firing. Her "spell card" had run its course. She floated down to the ground, her face one of despair, "That's why you don't fly! You just, block everything! You block and absorb all danmaku shots! It's not fair!"

Sakura reverted back to her schoolgirl form, causing the familiars to vanish. "I won? Fair and square?"

"Fair and square!" Zel chimed. "That was magnificent! To be able to survive a spell card of hers, well, that's not something everyone can do!"

Just then, Suika and a girl in what looked like a modified shrine maiden uniform flew by. "Hey look! Another stranger!" Suika called out.

Zel looked up, "Good morning to you! Have you been taking care of my companion?"

Sakura turned to him, "The one with the horns has, yes. I haven't seen that other girl till now."

The shrine maiden girl approached Utsuho, "Wanna tell me what's going on?"

The bird looked visibly frightened, "I, uh, was looking for a good challenge. But I lost, so, I'm, gonna go now!"

"Good for me."

Utsuho flew off. Suika said, "This is that girl I was telling you about, Reimu Hakurei, but, it looks like your partner already found you, so, it looks like we're too late."

Reimu looked at Zel, "Have we met?"

"Yes! Yes we have! I'm training a new student! She's the one who chased off Utsuho Reiuji!"

Reimu faced Sakura, "Really? That was you?"

"Yes."

Reimu said, "She's one of the strongest youkai I've encountered. That couldn't have been a small feat. I can't thank you enough for dealing with her."

Sakura giggled, "Heh heh heh! I'll admit, I was really scared, but I somehow pulled through."

Suika announced, "But if your travel partner's here, does that mean you're gonna leave Gensokyo now?"

Sakura looked at Zel and asked, "Are we?"

Zel answered, "Not yet. Now that I'm here, I have some business to do with some of the locals in this country." A slight twinge of disappointment flashed across Sakura's face, "But you can rest in my chest space! You completed the tasks of today!"

Sakura gasped, "Reallyǃ?"

"Oh yes! I know you only entered two worlds, but it feels like three to me today, and since you survived time away from me, I'm going to count this trip as two worlds, so you may rest easy!"

Sakura exclaimed, "Thank you so much! Eh, how do I fit into the chest?"

Zel explained (to a confused Reimu and Suika in the background), "Imagine the chest is wide enough to accommodate your entire body." He laid the chest down and opened it, "Another pupil of mine is already taking a break inside! Say hi to her for me!"

"I got it." Sakura looked at the present company, "Professor, Suika, Reimu, thank you for everything."

"No sweat!" Suika boasted.

"Okay then, here I go."

She walked to the chest, imagining a grand hallway opening up to her. Before she knew it, her feet were resounding on marble floors. "Wah!" She looked around in her surroundings. She was in what looked like a central hub, with many different pathways connected to where she was.

Other footsteps echoed through this chamber. A voice, childish yet regal, addressed her, "What an interesting development! The lost child of the Tohsaka, here at last! And without your master!"

"Uh, huh?" Sakura saw a girl, a short girl, one wearing a royal white dress. The dress was a bright contrast to her long black hair, and her blood red eyes. "Who are you?"

The child's eyes turned to gold, "I am the Mistress, and you will obey me."

Sakura's eyes looked listless, and she said with no feeling, "Yes. I understand."

The girl commanded, "Now then, show me your true form."

Sakura changed into her "Dark" form.

"Excellent." The girl continued to speak, "Follow me."

Sakura, unable to speak, followed the noble girl. She was led into what looked like an engine room. A generator of some sort was hooked up to the wall. "All of his important magic is connected here." She stood to the side of Sakura, then flashed a wry smirk, "Destroy it."

Sakura raised her arms to generate dark energy and fired it. A split second later, the black shot was hit by a blue shot. "WHATǃ?"

A blue laser beam, angled diagonally downward, struck the girl. Sakura looked around, "Huh? What?"

Behind her, she saw a young woman, one wearing a red coat over a black shirt and a white skirt, sporting long brown hair, and eyes that matched her magic. The woman jumped forward and did a downward kick at the girl. A dent was made on the floor where the girl's body laid. "Is this what you've come to, Altrouge? _This_ is your idea of sabotaging your sister? Really, whatever happened to your schemes of grandeur, of cunning? You've reduced yourself to a retro 80s anime villain!"

Altrouge muttered, "Quit talking."

The woman said, "Good for me." She picked up the injured Altrouge and carried her.

"Wait!" Sakura cried out. She had changed back to her usual form, "Who are you? And who's that supposed to be?"

The woman asked, "Where were you last at Zel with? What world?"

Sakura thought for a moment, "Gen-something. Something to do with a land of illusions."

"Oooooh~! And was Zel with anyone?"

Sakura nodded, "Yeah. A horned girl named Suika, and a shrine maiden girl, Haku-something."

Altrouge spat, "No! You can't be serious!"

The woman smiled, "Oh, I think they'd _love_ to meet you, and find out why you've been hiding out in here for the longest time!" She got to the edge of a hallway, the one Sakura came through. The gate was open. The woman lobbed the red-eyed girl through the gate, "Out ya go!"

Sakura was still stunned, "You haven't answered me yet! Who are you?"

"Call me Aozaki for now."

Sakura was further stunned, "Aozaki? As in Touko Aozaki?"

"Er, no. Aoko Aozaki. I was on a break, just got back from this environment that simulated a cool mountain hike, hence the warm clothes, when I noticed Arc's 'sister' trying to use you."

Sakura asked, "By Arc, you mean Zel's adopted granddaughter, right?"

"Yeah. Altrouge is a troublemaker though. Hard as Hell to fight, but easy to knock out, if you can expose her quickly enough." She changed the subject, "You're here for a vacation too, right? Would you like to share the hot springs with me?"

"There are hot springs in here?"

Aoko replied, "Oh yes, there are! Here, let me show you!"


	22. The Epilogue

[Author's Note: Pay attention, this is the last time I tell instead of show!

It is eventually decided that Kohaku's device is too dangerous to keep. Everyone is in agreement, even Shiki, who never did find a way around his eye problem. (Pity the poor man.)

Rin returns to Fuyuki to return to Shirou. I could never decide which of the routes to follow in the "Real" world segments, so I never knew who Shirou was with. Well, I said Saber originally, but she died, so . . . uh . . . let's just leave it at that.

After that is settled, Kohaku throws out the device into some junk yard. She couldn't bring herself to destroy her baby, but she did let it go nonetheless. Shortly after being abandoned, the tv with the mysterious tubes and cables flickered on by itself, one last time.]

* * *

A training dojo was visible. A waterfall could be heard, as well as the sound of birds chirping. Nothing could disturb the tranquility of-

"-GOOOOOOOOD MORNING TYPE-MOON FAAAAAAAANS! I, Fujimura Taiga-sensei, am here to congratulate you on coming to the end of Endless Number of Possibilities by xm0123!"

At her side was Ilya, "Osu! This project ran longer than I thought! How long has he been writing these again?"

Taiga held up her index finger, "Since late 2010. However, I am saddened by this conclusion. He went all this time . . . and he never featured me in anything!"

Ilya spoke philosophically, "Well, considering how many characters there are in Fate alone, it can't be helped. Fanfic authors are a kind of artist, and good artists never use more tools than what is necessary. Take music, for example. You know how some music is labeled, 'overproduced', as in it has more instruments going off than is needed? It's like that; he didn't want to overproduce any of his fics."

Taiga said, with waterfalls of tears streaming down her face, "But I was going to be featured in his first fic! I still would've have been Shirou-kun's English teacher in that reality, but he cut me out entirely, saying, 'your scene added nothing to the plot, i.e. it was filler, and we all know how I feel about filler.' UWAAAAAAH!"

Ilya reacted, "Ye-ouch! I at least got to be in two stories . . . even if I wasn't myself throughout most of the Umineko ripoff. Hey wait, I'm supposed to be xm's second-favorite character from Fate/Stay Night; why wasn't I featured moreǃ?"

Just then, a warning bell sounded off. The scene was now a classroom, attended by Ciel-Senpai, "That's because you don't come from his favorite section of the Nasuverse. Although _I_ do."

Taiga and Ilya were now in the classroom. The tiger sounded off, "Oh what? That gives you authority over how Endless Number of Possibilities was handled?"

Ciel said, "Not necessarily. I was just pointing out the truth. Although I will say, most of these stories were AU fics, weren't they? The only one that actually was based on canon was Grief is the Fuel of Vengeance, which was a continuation of the Heaven's Feel Normal End."

Taiga chuckled, "Hey, you know that phrase, 'Heaven's Feel'? That sounds like an attack name from a fighting game!" She then did a flying jump kick, "HEAVEN'S FEEEEEEEEEEEEEEL!"

Ilya sighed, "Thanks for upholding the tradition of my family, Tiger. But yes, I imagine you were aware of what Grief is the Fuel of Vengeance was about, since you did show up in that, huh Senpai? But I gotta ask, is it just me, or was that fanfic basically The Boondock Saints but with the Tohsakas replacing the protagonists?"

Ciel murmured, "Not quite. If it was like that film, I imagine there would have been a lot more colorful metaphors in the dialog than what was in the final product."

Ilya reminded everyone, "Oh, I just thought of something; doesn't xm know about Garden of Sinners too?"

The scene was now a city at night. A super deformed Ryougi appeared, "Yes he does. However, he didn't read the novels until 2011 to 2012-ish, and even despite how much he enjoyed (parts of) my series, he remarked that my series had the weakest characterization between it, Tsukihime, and Fate."

Taiga shouted, "HA! That's one way Fate beats your series!"

Ryougi said, "Perhaps, but then again, it might explain the lack of Garden of Sinners characters in his stories. In fact, think about it, there's a lot of characters he didn't feature: Nero Chaos, Riesbyfe, Sion, most of the Fate/Zero cast (due to lack of knowledge of F/Z prior to its anime streaming), Kirie, Fujino, Luvia, the list goes on."

Suddenly, the scene shifted to the back alley from Misaki City. A tiny cat man with gray hair and a cigarette in hand showed up, "You're right. I never appeared in his fics myself, and unlike with Taiga, he never had any plans for me to begin with. _Bastard._"

Ryougi deadpanned, "That's because you're too simplistic. Complex characters work in AU fics better than cardboard cutouts."

Another cat thing appeared, this one with blonde hair, "She's right, nya! And yet, even despite that, my proper form appeared a few times, nyah ha hyah~!"

Nero Chaos said, "Well could I have at least have been in more than just this last segment? What about _my_ fanbase?"

Just then, someone stepped in, "Good question. This party is mostly women and children, no, let me rephrase that, it's all either women, children, . . . _or fakers_."

Chaos turned to Gil, "But I thought you liked women."

Gil laughed, "In my life, before I learned true taste, I would take any female I felt was mine. Nowadays, I only want obstinate women like you-know-who." He then formed his hands into fists, "AND SHE'S NOT HERE! IT'S JUST WOMEN (minus Seiba), CHILDREN, AND FAKERS!"

Taiga said, "Gah! This segment is already getting flooded with characters! You were right, Ilya! We can't have too many people at once!"

The scene then shifted to the Tohsaka mansion. A super deformed Sakura slowly walked in, "Um, excuse me, is the the wrap-up party-WHAH!"

Right then, a super deformed Saber riding on top of a lion shot by, with a super deformed Rin, with cigarette in mouth, not far behind, "Outta the way, sis! It's party time!"

Sakura changed into her dark form, "Oh no you didn't, bitch!" She charged at Rin, until-

-"HALT!" Saber stood between the Tohsakas, "There will be no violence here! We have come to congratulate xm0123 on moving on to writing original fiction, now, let us do so properly."

Rin looked at Saber, "Dude, calm down. We weren't gonna kill each other. (We tried that already in Heaven's Feel.)"

Saber, still looking as stern as ever, said, "If you must resort to sibling rivalry, wait until after the ceremony. Now then," She held Excalibur, and spoke like she was giving a speech, "Oh brave scholar, may your tribulations lead you to endless bounty, and your table always filled with the essentials of life!"

Tohsaka deadpanned, "In other words, you hope he'll be rich and always have food, huh? That's just like you, always thinking about food."

Saber gently smiled, "You know me too well, child of Tokiomi."

The scene was now a field of grass. A normal-sized Aoko with red hair appeared. "I'm not too late, am I?"

Ilya greeted, "Ah, welcome back, Aoko-senpai! Say, did you change your hair back to red?"

Aoko flicked her hair back, "Well, yeah. I thought I'd get back at xm-chan for shafting my appearances. You see, I was going to be the partner in Professor Zel Returns, but he said, 'I understand Sakura better, but I'll let you get a cameo.' Guy thinks I look better with muddy hair, so I changed it back to red, just to mess with him."She then looked at the other guests, "Oh, have you noticed something about us? Look at all the people present. Except for Nero and Gilgy, we all have one thing in common."

Neco-Arc blurted, "Vadges!"

Aoko smiled, "Precisely. And do you know what other fanfics he's done? He's done many for the Touhou Project."

Rin gasped, "Why, that's nothing _but_ magical girls!"

Aoko continued, "He also did two Blaz Blue stories. Now, the gender split in that universe is pretty even, but both of his stories star females. And guess where his newest project takes place? A series that is, that's right! Mostly starring young females skilled in magic!"

Taiga stood with shinai in hand, "By the heavens! We've been played by a genuine girl-crazy man who's not old enough to be reasonably impotent! We've all been manipulated by a grade-A otaku!"

Aoko suddenly gasped, "What are you doing!" She ran to cover Taiga's mouth, "You're not supposed to ever call him the O Word!"

Taiga mumbled (coherently somehow), "Why not? Why's it so bad that even you, of all people, would be scared? I can deal with whatever consequences may come!"

Rin shouted, "IDIOT! As much as he likes Japanese culture, he still doesn't qualify as an otaku, and he takes great offense at anyone who thinks he is!"

Saber stepped in, holding an invisible sword, "Everyone, stay still. Be prepared for the worst." Her eyes blazing, she gripped Excalibur even more tightly. After a minute, crickets were chirping in the distance. Saber's face softened, "Do we even have a threat to begin with?"

Ilya commented, "Huh. That's strange. I heard that this author would fly into a rage if you insulted him in any way."

Taiga, having broken free from Aoko's grip, said, "Or maybe he just didn't hear me. XM IS A WEEABOO, LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!"

Nothing happened still.

Just then, in the distance, the loud mooing of a steer-driven chariot could be heard. Out stood a giant of a man . . . and a short boy, "Ugh, I haven't had motion sickness like this for years." The boy muttered.

The man shouted, "Reel not from your troubles, kiddo! In due time, your body will improve from the rigors of travel, thus rendering you immune from this 'motion sickness'!"

Gilgamesh looked downtrodden, "Oh look, more fakers to spoil the fun. What business do you have here, Iskander?"

Iskander boasted, "The same as everyone else! To enjoy the spoils of war!"

Gilgamesh, still not wavering (LOL PUN!), said, "Is that so? Are you sure you and the boy aren't just some last-minute addition to show the fact that the author's favorite thing about the 4th War was you two?"

Iskander let out a loud, boisterous laugh, "HA HA HA HA HA HA! Don't read in too much on the meta-implications of such a thing! Today, we feast! You were said to be the caterer, so why complain?"

Gil sighed, "Fine. For now, I shall provide the original feast of heroes."

The scene was now a large extravagant banquet hall, filled to the brim with every kind of food and drink imaginable. The crowd was awed by what they saw, Saber particularly, "Oh Gilgamesh! If you had shown me this during either war, I would have sided with you in a heartbeat!"

Rin laughed, "Eh heh heh heh! So all this time, the fastest way to a woman's heart is the same method to a man's heart? You must be kicking yourself right now, aren't you, Gil?"

"Quiet, wench."

Neco-Arc's eyes lit up, "Hamburgers! I finally found more!"

She and everyone else dug into their meal of choice.

[Second Author's note: Alright, that's enough weirdness for one day. Welcome to the end of another fanfic series of mine! I'm surprised you made it this far! After a year and a half of all sorts of shenanigans, I'm bringing Endless Number of Possibilities to a close.

This was largely experimental. I wanted to flex my writings muscles, seeing how many disparate situations I could write out involving Type-Moon characters and settings. Suffice to say, I've worn out my mind. Some of these are now embarrassing to look back at. Am I really _that_ obsessed with Umineko? But it was fun, all the same. I got to try out many different characters. Oddly enough, the easiest Type-Moon character for me to write was Rin. Which is weird, since I don't have a lot in common with her, but she is my favorite Fate character, so maybe that explains it.

Even though I'm now taking a stab at writing my own ebooks, I do want to go back to the Nasuverse. I have two other ideas for Nasuverse fanfics, two other "plot bunnies" if you will. One of them is an episodic comedy I call Rider and Waver (Not a Porno). The description goes like this: the streets of Fuyuki City are rife with crime and corruption! The police cannot handle it alone! That is why Commissioner Kotomine calls upon . . . Rider and Waver! Dun-nun-nun-nun-nun-nun-nun Dun-nun-nun-nun-nun-nun-nun RIDER! Armed with the Ridermobile (a motorcycle with sidecar for Waver to suffer motion sickness in), and various Noble Phantasms, the unlikely dynamic duo combats the dastardly fiends who would dare disrupt the peace of Fuyuki!

Yeah, as you can see, it wouldn't take itself seriously at all, but that's not my only idea. I have an idea for another Nasuverse fanfic that goes like this: Fate/Extra, but written by me. Well, let me describe it better than that. I feel like doing a redux of F/E; a Holy Grail War breaks out, it's all in a computer, something goes wrong, hero or heroine must fix it with help with a Servant. The thing that's different is this: all of the Servants are not based off mythologies, but rather, the "popular" arts; movies, television, literature, et cetera. Part of this would be an excuse to create Servant versions of some of my favorite fictional characters, but it was just something I thought of.

The Masters would all have to be OCs. Seven total, with seven Servants, much like the original FSN. I've already decided who Saber would be (because the main protagonist Master will use a Saber), and I've got candidates for the Lancer, Caster, and Berserker positions. All the Servants will come from unique settings. This is so I don't spam all the positions with characters from, say, Star Wars. I am aware that AU versions of Fate characters show up in F/E. I will do that in my own redux. I already decided who the main protagonist's homeroom sensei is; an AU version of Irisviel. Okay, I blame those shorts that come with the Fate/Zero blu-rays, but I just gotta get some Einzbern-brand fanservice in there!

But who knows when I'll ever write these out? _If_ I ever write these out? It may be a while before I could write anything for the Rider and Waver idea, and it could be _years_ before you see the F/E idea. So, for now, don't expect anything else from me concerning Type-Moon fanfiction.

I guess I'll end this by saying thank you to anyone who actually read all of these. You are what makes my efforts worthwhile. For those who have played Melty Blood Actress Again, you might know one of the ending credit songs, "Everlasting Destiny." I want you to fade out with you playing that sexy, _sexy_ piece of music on full volume. And once again, I must go now.]


End file.
